The Vacuum Of Reason

The Pros and Cons of D&D 3.0/3.5, AD&D and D&D 4th

2010-01-28T12:20:00.007-05:00

EDIT March 2010: Since I posted this entry, I have been playing Pathfinder by Paizo. Generally considered DnD 3.75 or DND 3.5 enhanced, I find this system superior in most respects. A review/comparison tied to this post is soon to follow.

It's been a great long while since I last posted. As any of you who have read any of this drivel for long have come to realize, I post in bursts.

I have a question to pose to any role players that might see this. What do you think is the best Dungeons and Dragons role playing edition? I've played everything but the first. I also have played countless other systems (e.g. palladium, white wolf, weg, etc.) and this post is not intended on being a springboard for a thrashfest on how D&D sucks or how any other system is superior.

I simply want to have an academic discussion on which D&D/AD&D edition you think is better and why.

Personally, I feel the pros of D&D 4th edition lie wholeheartedly in the encounter simplification for DMs. If you want to ensure player survivability over stupidity, you can make your monster encounters tailored to their level much more easily than before.

I also thoroughly enjoy how saving throws were turned into defenses. Now it's just straight roll against defense for everything.

Other than that, after playing D&D 4th edition for over a year, I can't seem to get myself to like anything else about it.

I'm not as much opposed to the loss of Vancian magic that seems to rock the rest of the D&D rpg community. I never really liked the "fire and forget" philosophy and preferred a spell point system. After the advent of the sorcerer, however, I began to appreciate the vancian system more than before. While I do enjoy it, it's loss isn't particularly damning of D&D 4th edition to me as it is for other players.

I pretty much hate everything else. Clerics seem to be useless. Sure they can heal a little bit, but mostly heal by hitting things, seeing as they can't do much with sacred word.

I don't really like the concept of healing surges. I think players having healing surges that they can use without the presence of a healer further lessens the need of a cleric with the party. I do understand how healing surges relate to healing potions, however, if you take it in the context that the body can only handle so much magic coursing through it per day. This is great for cleric healing, but a character doing this on his or her own after resting for five minutes after combat? Or once during combat even?

I've heard this explained away as being a separate damage system than in 3.5. Hit points in 4th edition, they say, is more a reflection of vigor instead of physical damage. The second wind is, in that respect, what it literally is: a second wind. You aren't stopping bleeding, closing wounds, or mending broken bones. I can understand that, I simply don't agree with it. It's simply against what I believe the concept of hit points should be, and that erosion to the mechanical foundation derails the system.

I'm not opposed to characters being powerful early. What bothers me is how it seems every class has the same powers described with different flavor text. If you boil it down, all you are doing in combat is choosing your damage die and whether you want your target to be stunned, blinded, prone, etc. until the end of your next round. It appears to me that customization is gone. Sure, you have a few choices of what power you want, but in the end you're simply a cookie cutter cut-out of another character of the same class. This argument can be applied to D&D 3.5 and AD&D in the sense of saying something along the lines of "your wizards always cast fireballs," but in those systems, that issue is more a direct result of the player's choice than in 4th. In those editions, there are dozens of spells or powers to choose from at the appropriate level. In 4th you have a handful. Having a character clone is more inherent in the system of 4th; having a character clone in 3rd and 2nd is a fault of the player.

Spell versatility is another thing. Having spells turned into encounter and daily powers limits your caster. And where are the out-of-combat spells? The rituals? That is laughable. Someone new to D&D through fourth edition might believe that rituals can cover the spell versatility of previous editions.

Skill challenges? Broken. Yes, I know how to perform a skill challenge effectively, and yes, I know they are doing their best to make it more streamlined for beginning players. But for me, I've never needed them. I've always allowed for role-play and skills out of combat to overcome obstacles, with no mechanics involved (other than the necessary skill roll, which is rare). That's the beauty of being a DM -- understanding that you can give XP for role-play and just how much to give. I don't believe this is something that needs to be pointed out in any book as a process to gain xp out of combat or a method of forcing people to role play or roll their skills.

And what of 3.0/3.5?

I love the depth of detail. It is more sterile, which is a drawback, but I believe it gives you the greatest chance to create a unique character you'd want to invest in. It's very numbers heavy in most respects as a result, which can be hard on newer players.

Prestige classes? Well, they have the ability to derail your game and/or destroy balance. They must be used with caution.

I detest the CR/EL system of monster encounters for 3.5. Using stock monsters worked to a point, but increasing a monster's individual power was too much of a chore for me. I feel this encounter method was more cumbersome than it needed to be.

AD&D?

The depth of the system I think is superior to those described above. I feel the main drawback to this system was Thac0. Those not as mathematically inclined did not enjoy learning when rolling low was good and high was bad, and vice-versa. Even when we played, our group would often discuss why AC was -10 to 10, with AC0 the focal point, instead of starting with a certain number (we chose 0, of course) and working your way up.

I guess in the end it is as every D&D edition says.... their rules are just a guide. If you don't like it, change it, or throw it out.

That's basically what I do anyway. I use their books as a guide, drive railroad spikes into the heads of rules-lawyers, and just push onward.

Don't give experience for the monster, or the encounter. Give experience for how well your group overcame the obstacle with what resources they had, and the creativity they used. In the end you will all have more fun that way.

Don't concentrate on the dice. Concentrate on fun.

THE WAR OF THE -ISMS PART 2 :: Government Band-Aids

2009-08-07T17:29:00.003-04:00

EDIT: I misidentified health care as health insurance. Below, when I am talking about health insurance, please understand I mean health care.

Socialism.

Socialized medicine.

Obama's plan is taking us down a dark path.

Obama is a socialist.

Socialists hate freedom.

Obama hates the United States of America.

It's all over the news. It never goes away.

I just don't get it.

Socialized programs mean bigger government. Socialized programs mean higher taxes. Socialized programs mean less control. Socialized programs mean no freedom. Not only that, but the government is a clusterf&*ck waiting to happen. You can't trust the government to do anything, especially something as important as maintain your health insurance. I mean, my God, look at what has happened to Welfare....

That's the message out there on the idiot box. But is it true?

What I don't understand is how we reconcile the fact that a socialized police force is acceptable. Wouldn't police privatization be better? Wouldn't it ensure quality service regulated by the free market?

And sure, before anyone brings it up, we have to buy life insurance. But having no life insurance doesn't stop the police department from intervening in order to save your life or property.

What I don't understand is how we reconcile the fact that a socialized fire department is acceptable. Wouldn't privatized fire protection be better? Sort of like personal home insurance? Wouldn't it ensure quality service regulated by the free market?

And sure, before anyone brings it up, we have to buy fire insurance. But having no insurance doesn't stop the fire department from coming to try to save what you have. Fire insurance only replaces what you've lost.

What I don't understand is how we reconcile the fact that a socialized military is acceptable. Wouldn't privatized mercenaries protect and serve the interests of our nation's security at home and abroad better than a broken, bogged-down bureaucratic mess of government regulation? Wouldn't it be regulated by the free market? After all, once those Al-Quaeda terrorists get in and bomb someone, wouldn't they contract shift to someone else?

What I don't understand is how we reconcile the fact that social security is acceptable. Isn't it broken? Aren't we delaying the inevitable? Shouldn't we privatize it? Is it as sacred and untouchable as those receiving it want us to believe?

What I don't understand is why we refuse to address Medicare. It is socialized. Isn't it broken? Wouldn't the elderly be better off seeking privatized insurance?

What I don't understand is why automobile regulations are socialized (in this case, dictated and enforced by the government). Wouldn't it be better, cheaper, and much safer for us, if we let the manufacturers themselves decide if their autos are safe? Wouldn't competition in the free market ensure they give us the best work they can do? Wouldn't we be safer?

What I don't understand is why Food Processing companies aren't allowed to regulate the conditions of their own food. Wouldn't it be better, cheaper, and safer for us, if we let them decide for themselves the quality and safety of the food we eat? Surely the competition of capitalism would keep us healthy. Why do we need the government?

Am I being ridiculous? You might think so. But all I ask is that you think about it.

Why are all the services that protect our lives and property socialized, except for medicine?

Have you ever thought about that?

Many of the above suggestions were actually done during the late 1800's and early 1900's. Privatized fire departments resulted in gangs setting rival departments' protected houses on fire. Privatized police evolved into cops walking past people being mugged or murdered who weren't on their list. Socialized military? It's been done. Just ask your friendly ancient Roman what happened with that.

Why do we mistrust our government to such a degree, always throwing up long lines, bureaucracy, broken, misused programs, and that end-all-be-all-you'll-pay-more-taxes argument when it comes to socialized health programs?

Why?

Can you explain this to me?

Why is it so important for us as citizens to ensure all of these above things are protected by our government, but yet the most important, the most critical to our survival, our very health insurance (care), is thrown out to dogs, placed on the auction-block as the quintessential case for proof that capitalism is sacred? Especially when it obviously IS NOT WORKING?

What medical care is needed is not determined by the patient. It isn't even determined by the doctor or nurse. It is determined by the insurance companies. This is not a parallel to house insurance or life insurance. House insurance does not determine where you buy your house or what house you can buy. Life insurance does not determine how long you will live, although, it is not without its problems. Most life insurance companies are just like the health insurance companies in that they will refuse coverage based on the most insignificant detail of your past history.

But for me, I see the shadow health insurance (care) providers as their own class of evil.

They decide whether you can be treated or not.

They decide whether or not your condition was "pre-existing."

They decide whether or not you have had a lapse in coverage, which will make you ineligible for future coverage.

They decide what medicines you can afford.

And they answer to their stockholders, not you.

They aren't in it to help you.

They're in it to make money.

Is this horrifying?

The police, fire, and military are subsidized by the government. You could argue that they aren't in it for the money. The government makes no money off these services. The people make no tangible profit off these services. There is no mysterious stockholder out there getting a good return because Officer Smith responded to your house after there was a report of a break-in.

But when that doctor sits looking at your file, knowing you have cancer, knowing he can't treat you because of the phone call he just finished with the underwriter, you can bet your soft butt cheek on the fact that someone, somewhere, just made a nice fat bonus check off that refusal.

Capitalism is a good thing. If I want to try to sell a knick-knack widget that I think is better than someone else's, i'm glad I can design it, make it, and sell it. I'm glad I can gain wealth and ensure that my family members can have an easier life.

But I'll be damned before I think my personal health is less important than whether my house burns, my homeland gets invaded, or I get back a stolen car.

Let's keep most things in the private theater. I'm not against that.

But only an idiot would think that health insurance belongs there. That is, unless you're making money off it all. But then again that's capitalism.

Innocent Extraordinaire

2009-07-17T14:49:00.001-04:00

Playing hide and seek with a 2.7 year old isn't that exciting. Unless, of course, you enjoy asking "where are you?" only to be answered with "I'm right here."

It's like playing Clue with only 2 people.

Color Coordination

2009-07-08T18:16:00.002-04:00

For those of you who have never experienced it, this is what happens when you let a 2-year-old pick out his own clothes.

Our Independence Day Festivities

2009-07-07T20:15:00.014-04:00

Vincent attended his first fireworks display. With a mix of strategy and sheer luck, we ended up with the best seats for the show. We had gone about 3 hours early, took a picnic dinner, spread the blanket out and waited.

Vincent discovered the root beer in the cooler and became a total petrochemical lush.

Once one root beer was gone, he tried his best to get his hands on another. The funny thing was we had a bottle sitting out and one of the police on patrol came over and asked us if it was a beer.

Of course we were compelled to tell him it was a root beer. I don't know if he saw Vinny with the bottle turned up or not, but he was satisfied, and returned to his official use only golf cart, joking to his comrades.

And then the stumbling intoxicated toddler found himself drowning his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle yet again.

We don't normally let him drink this stuff because we think it is quite bad for him. Well it was a holiday, and he was really in the mood for it, so we just let him have it.

We won't lose any sleep over it, that's for sure.

Well darkness came, and to our surprise the fireworks were being launched right across Melton Lake from us. Melton lake is a long narrow channel, the Clinch River dammed on either end, used for boating and rowing competitions.

I'd wanted us as close to the fireworks as possible so Vincent could actually feel the vibrations of the explosions in his ribcage; I think that is the ONLY way to see fireworks. We couldn't have had it better.

The display was long and beautiful. At first, after about one minute of detonations, it was obvious that Vinny was getting uncomfortable. He had that "do I want to cry or laugh" tone to his voice, and with each successive blast he tended to sway more to the crying end.

It was inevitable, and we could see it clear as day.

His mom took her hands and covered his ears throughout the remainder of the display, which lasted a good thirty-five minutes. By the end her arms were killing her, but we had one very happy boy. Many times he would exclaim "wow", or "pretty", or "fireworks". It was obvious he was enjoying himself immensely, and was good reinforcement for us. We had made the right decision bringing him.

Shell after shell discharged, and I was quite impressed at the extent of the display put on by this small town.

I'm glad I took my camera along; there were a plethora of photo opportunities and I snatched as many of them as I possibly could. I've always been the sentimental sort and I thought that maybe, just maybe, Vinny would like to see pictures of his first display.

On the other hand, he might not even care. But did I really do it for him? Probably not. It sure made me happy, and that's what is important.

As the display drew on, the wind began to shift and the smoke from the detonations began to cloud the actual colored bursts. I think that the reflections of the smoke and the river below created an eerie atmosphere for the pictures.

As you can see the picture on the left and the picture below, the color erupting cast its glow on the surrounding area quite well.

As expected, most of the shells were detonated during the finale. The funny thing was, there were several times during this display that could have been the finale, but after a pause the fireworks continued. It wasn't long before the entire sky was brought to light by dozens upon dozens of detonations.

This is my favorite picture of the evening. It isn't the most colorful; there are many pictures taken depicting reds, blues, purples, greens, and others. I like this picture because of how well it reflects off the river in between us and the display. The wide shots in which the pictures were taken suggest that we were farther away than we really were.

I love fireworks. I always have. There's just something about it that makes my bones tingle.

For anyone interested, here's a video some of the fireworks, again taken by me :) It's not the finale; I was too busy taking stills of the finale to take any video. Many of the explosions are a little blurry because of the smoke that had drifted toward us after the wind shifted, but the sound is good. Enjoy!

again, all the photos and the video are copyrighted and the property of my wonderful self and may not be used anywhere else without my written permission :)

Ghost Baby In the Mirror??

2009-07-07T16:21:00.009-04:00

I happened to notice something odd in my mirror today after I took my morning shower. I didn't see these things last night after I took my shower after working in the yard. Granted, I don't normally believe in this sort of thing, but I must admit, this is seriously odd.

One could say these are the handprints of my toddler son, but he wasn't in the bathroom at the time. He'd have had to climb up on the sink and reach up onto the mirror to leave these marks, and as I said, he wasn't in the bathroom at all from the time I took my shower last night and when I took my shower this morning, except to brush his teeth. When he brushed his teeth he was held by his mother; he didn't climb up on the sink.

My wife has also stated that he sometimes climbs up on the sink when he's around her, yet I state again that these handprints were not there last night. They are easily visible and I would have noticed them had they been there.

Our son has always carried on conversations with someone or something since he was first verbal. We always attributed it to either his imagination or his acting out conversations he had overheard and remembered.

I have two other pictures that look like someone placed their hand on the wet mirror and left a dry spot, and even though they look like handprints, they are nowhere near as compelling as these two. I can show those upon request. The only thing odd about them is they appear to show a six-fingered hand.

These pictures, however, send chills up my spine.

Again, I don't normally believe in this sort of thing. What do you think?

By the way, these pics are my property, and I'd best not see them anywhere else, without my written permission and proper credit.

More Vinny Wisdom

2009-07-06T11:49:00.002-04:00

Last night, after Becca put Vincent to bed, he screamed and wailed for an hour at least. As of late he's gotten pretty responsive to me going into his room and discussing with him why he's having a fit, so I took it upon myself to head up the steps and have another of our discussions.

I went into the bedroom and asked him what was wrong. He was obviously happy to see me. He stood up and pointed to his eye. "It's my eye," he said.

"What's wrong with your eye?" I asked.

"It's got all sad in it," was his reply.

And to make his aunt jody happy, today, while playing with this little phone thing that does shapes and colors and speaks in two languages, he did his best to repeat the words he was hearing.

"You need to ask your aunt Jody about that, what that means," I told him. "Aunt Jody speaks Spanish."

"Aunt Jody speaks Spinach," he replied.

Again, these little things make my day. Maybe I'm pathetic. Who cares.

Feehery: A Few Meters Off the Mark

2009-07-02T15:31:00.004-04:00

John Feehery wrote a commentary today for CNN.com concerning the dastardly downward direction our congress would take now that Senator Al Franken, a comedian, is Senator.

The entire diatribe centers on the lying liberals and all of the plans they have to force-feed their agenda into the starving mouths of the politically desperate.

We are fighting two wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, we have threats from North Korea and Iran, Unemployment is too damn high and kids are going hungry, have no access to badly needed health services and public utilities, and all you can think about is whining about the METRIC SYSTEM?

What kind of arrogant, ignorant asshat are you?

So you go and start playing fear politics by telling everyone they need to learn that a kilo is 2.2 pounds, that a kilometer is .62 miles, and an inch is 2.54 centimeters?

Does white American arrogance have no end? Not only are Americans above the need to learn secondary languages, but now we exhibit our lack of need to conform to world standards? Sure, let's continue to play in our corner of the sandbox with our own toys as they rust and break.

We are the only civilized nation that I can think of that doesn't use the metric system. Sure, England still uses the imperial system of weights and measures, like us, but at least they are exposed to metrics enough to know they need to know how to convert!

The metric system isn't only for nerds in white coats, beakers of bubbling blue fluids in hand.

The metric system is easier, more sensible, and consistent. But this isn't all that was said.

Mr Feehery, you state in your article that, just as Republicans rebounded from Watergate, so too will they recover now. You say it is a matter of time before the democratic house collapses in on itself.

I disagree. This is no simple crime of breaking and entering. Sure there was fraud in watergate, but this is fraud on a much grander scale. People are tired of the Republican brand. That's one thing you got right in your article. Conservatism needs a return to its roots if you are going to have any survivability. People have grown tired of your do-as-i-say, not-as-i-do politics.

You go on and on talking about how the democrats (liberals) are forcing unwanted agendas on the US population:

"When they passed a so-called stimulus bill that Republicans branded as pork-filled, they lost their credibility on fiscal responsibility..." you say.

Mr. Feehery, I'm sure you probably don't know this because you most likely have undocumented help workers keeping your house, but cleaning up a mess usually takes more effort and energy than making the mess in the first place. It's going to take us a hell of a lot of expense to get us out of the hole YOUR party created with its PORK-BARREL spending.

Fiscal responsibility? DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH. Pot, kettle, black? Idiot.

"When the president assumed control over General Motors, dictated terms to Chrysler, and then refused to allow some banks to pay back their TARP loans, independent voters grew nervous about the government's stepped-up intervention in the private sector..." you say.

Yeah he dictated some terms. Assumed control? I wouldn't go that far, fear-mongerer. And you know why? They were given YEARS to clean their mess up. YEARS. They said in their own words that the people create the market, that they create what the people want, and just like ALL CONSERVATIVES who believe in CAPITALISM and the FREE MARKET scream to the tops of their lungs, the market will decide. People will decide with their dollars. And they did. Unfortunately due to the ineptitude of the management of these companies, millions of people faced other unemployment. The government gave the loans to save the companies, and dictated terms of those loans. Our government didn't want to give all this money just so they could take it and get their personal jets polished and their daughters a new BMW.

When your bank gives you a mortgage (loan), the bank owns your property. NOT YOU. You pay it off.

I'm not the least bit upset that Obama dictated something similar with our government's loan to the failed auto industry.

"And last week, when Democrats passed a climate change bill that Republicans insist will sharply raise energy prices for middle-class families, moderate Democrats started to jump ship. In fact, 44 Democrats defied intense pressure from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and voted no..." you say.

House bill 219-212 passed with 44 democrats opposed and eight republicans in favor.

211 democrats were in favor and 168 republicans were opposed. I'd hardly call the 44 democratic votes against to be "jumping ship." Good lord, you spin this so hard and fast I think my unborn kids will be born dizzy.

The energy bill is bad news for anyone in the "rust belt." Anyone representing the "rust belt" would be hard-pressed to be for this bill and keep their seat in the House.

"Democrats are now making plans to intervene in the health care marketplace, with some liberals insisting on a government-run "public option" health insurer. In any event, many won't be satisfied until the government basically sets prices for health insurance and prescription drugs."

I don't know where you're getting your news, Mr. Feehery, but according to the forums, articles, and polls that I read, most people don't think this is a bad thing. Republicans and Democrats alike. There are those on both sides who are opposed to it, but they are by far a minority.

"Another poll showed that while 40 percent of Americans identify themselves as conservative, only 21 percent think of themselves as liberal. The American people voted for change. They didn't vote for a liberal orthodoxy that promises more government, higher taxes, slower growth, more pork and a liberal social agenda."

"They didn't vote for a liberal orthodoxy that promises more government [STARTED BY YOUR PARTY], higher taxes [STARTED BY YOUR PARTY], slower growth [AGAIN A DIRECT CONSEQUENCE TO ACTIONS OF YOUR PARTY], more pork [AGAIN, IN RECENT NEWS BEGUN IN EARNEST BY YOUR PARTY] and a liberal social agenda."

Let's just throw all the things people hate with one thing actually desired by liberals and see how many people believe it.

And by the way, Democrat =/= liberal. I know most if not all liberals are democrats, but there are many democrats who aren't "liberals." I know it's hard to put your brain around this fact, but it's true. So please stop throwing this word around with every new argument with which you disagree, attempting to incite the moderates and conservatives with your lies. We're getting tired of it. Thing is, when we start flinging monkey shit back at you, you always come back at us with self-righteous attitudes. Get over it.

What you need to do, Mr. Feehery, is stop spitting venom, stop wafting smoke, stop spinning facts like you learned in the no-spin zone, and accept the fact that a comedian, someone people KNOW they aren't supposed to take seriously, had more credibility than your candidate. A COMEDIAN. Your politician was beaten by a fool. How does that taste? Are the American voters idiots? I'd say no. I'd say they're on to your bullshit, and they don't like the smell.

I'd also like to repost a comment to this CNN news article. Digger, if I knew your name and city, I'd post it, but I don't have it. What you said, in my opinion, was pure magic:

By Digger
I think your column is hilariously ironic. Here, you wonder aloud why Republicans are being voted out of congress while at the same time railing against a liberal social agenda that includes such offensive and anti-American ideas as . . . oh no . . . . THE METRIC SYSTEM!

Wanna know why your party stinks right now? Because m0r0ns like you can think of nothing better to do than throw old tired labels around that add up to nothing. If you're against it, it's "liberal" and "socialist." Problem for you is that people are not buying that junk anymore. People want healthcare reform, and you have nothing to offer. While the majority of us have enough brain cells to realize that fossil fuels are bankrupting us while destroying the planet and strengthening our enemies, you guys just can't stand to let your rich buddies down by moving in another direction. While the country is rapidly changing demographically and is ready to move on from the hatred and bigotry of the past, your senators are out there equating a mainstream and legitimate Latino organization to the KKK. While you'll stand on your head to "defend marriage" and stand on your morals to impeach Bill Clinton, you're out having multiple affairs (gay and straight), and meeting high priced call girls in hotel rooms. You're preaching abstinence only while standing next to your pregnant 18-year old for goodness sake! I could keep going.

Bottom line is this: Ronald Reagan is not going to crawl out of the grave anytime soon, and if you keep moving in the direction of obstruction and tired, hackneyed ideas, by the next election you're simply going to be a bunch of angry, anti-gay, anti-anyreligionbutyourown, gun toting, anti-intellectual, anti-science, morally hypocritical white people who, thank goodness, will be represented by a permanent minority in congress.

Come up with some ideas of your own. Come back to the table with them. Debate their merits, and the merits of the opposition with honesty, openness, and integrity. Listen to some other points of view and welcome them to your party, and then maybe you'll get somewhere. Until then, you and all your buddies are a joke.

Obama, the Illegal Kenyan Communist President

2009-07-02T14:22:00.005-04:00

First off, let me just say that I've been good. I haven't gotten mad at too much lately. Deep breaths in, deep breaths out, slowly count to ten, and let it all go.

I've been good. I've been very good.

There is no emotion, there is only peace....

But good things never last. I don't think I can keep my mouth shut on this one.

What's it been? Nine months? Ten months? Do these people ever stop?

Today while reading a forum for one of my favorite video blogger posts, someone commented, yet again, just out of the blue, about Obama's birth certificate.

It had context. It wasn't a troll, for sure, despite it coming from left field. It was obviously yet again someone still smarting from the smack of last November's presidential election.

The comment went something like "obama the illegal Kenyan Muslim communist President.." oh throw in liberals there for good measure. He actually said something about liberals in the next sentence, but I can't really remember what it was.

People, breathe in, breathe out, slowly count to ten, and try to let it go. LET IT GO.

If you hadn't heard, the argument was that Obama was not eligible for the office of President because he was not legally an American citizen. The evidence? A strange birth certificate from the state of Hawaii that seemed odd. Some said it was missing a border common to all certificates. Some said there was no watermark. I even heard an argument once that said the dye used in the ink for printing the certificate was the wrong color.

Sooooo..... some loonies on the conservative side start screaming that the election was a fraud. Obama wasn't a citizen because his father was Kenyan and his birth certificate was a forgery. They claimed the election was stolen. Imagine that! Conservatives complaining an election was stolen? I guess they know what to look for.

Let's get something straight for all you people who obviously played hooky when you should have been in eighth grade civics class.

It doesn't matter what nationality Obama's father was. Obama's father doesn't even have to be human. He's an American citizen because he was born to an American citizen. It doesn't matter where he was born. It doesn't matter if he had a birth certificate or not. He was born to an American citizen. And more importantly, he was born within the United States.

Even if both parents are illegals, the child born to them, if born within the borders of the United States, is a United States citizen.

It is a misunderstanding of the wording of the Constitution of the United States when people claim that because he wasn't born in the contiguous United States he isn't "natural-born." They say that if he wasn't born in the United States, then he isn't qualified to be President.

Natural-born means more than this. Natural-born means either born in the United States or US territories and/or born TO a citizen of the United States. Obama was in Hawaii, and Hawaii was a state at the time.

The thing that gets me is the people who claim this last part seem to be blind to the fact that McCain was born in Panama. By their own logic, the candidate they wanted to win, the candidate they say should've won, had it not been stolen by an illegal participant, was himself illegal.

So, like it or not, Obama was eligible to be President. It doesn't matter if he were born in Hawaii, Kenya, or on the moon. It doesn't matter if he had a birth certificate or not (unless, of course, there were no other records that indicated that Obama actually came out of the woman he claimed to be his mother). Obama was a natural-born American citizen. To not be natural-born and be a citizen requires naturalization. If you aren't naturalized, you are a natural-born citizen. End of argument.

Yet I'm sure there are people who still claim the world is flat...

So. We've knocked down illegal and Kenyan. He's a MUSLIM!

And? This matters because? Has he signed an executive order tearing down all churches and requiring citizens to not shave their beards and attend mosques? I didn't think so.

It shouldn't matter if he's Christian, Muslim, a Noodler or a Jedi. Separation of Church and State, remember? If you agree that even if he were a Muslim and it were a bad thing, then I'm sure you don't. You're probably the same people who waved flags and rang bells when Bush Jr. stated he was going to put God and his faith in front of his Presidential decisions. You want people to be religious and put religion first, that is, until it isn't your religion.

How many times are we going to have to deal with this? Till death do we part? I sure as hell hope not.

Communist? Give me a break. There is a difference between communism and socialism. Jeez, read a book. Wait? What's that tingling? Deja Vu? Yeah, we've discussed this before too. Several times. Don't burn books. It's bad for your mental health.

Socialism isn't bad either. Not all socialism. Just because we want equal health care for all doesn't make us hell-bent socialists. If our bodies are important enough to us to have socialized police protection and fire protection, then health protection is a no-brainer. Especially when you save money in the long-run.

President? Well at least they got one thing right.

This whole charade over his citizenship is bad. It looks bad, and smells worse. If I were a paranoid person I'd think that the people claiming this were liberal moles doing their best to discredit conservatives. Just make them stop, guys. Each one who opens his or her mouth makes all conservatives look dumb.

P.S. For all of you who know from where the line there is no emotion comes, you get ten points to spend on the Fatbody Shopping Network.

The Law of THREES

2009-06-26T23:25:00.004-04:00

It seems the law of threes struck again lately. There is this, urban legend perhaps, that states when a celebrity or well-known individual dies, two more will die within X days. Sometimes it's 3 days. Sometimes is 7. Sometimes it's 21, although that one is a bit of a stretch. 21 days is a large window of time for three famous people known to you to die.

This week we had the law of threes slap us hard. It wasn't a law of three deaths within a week. It was the law of threes of three deaths within three days. Coincidence? Yeah. But it sure makes for a good fireside story to claim the connection between them all.

R.I.P.
Ed McMahon June 23, 2009, no formal cause of death but tons of health issues
Farrah Fawcett June 25, 2009, ~9:30 a.m., victim of cancer
Michael Jackson June 25, 2009, ~2:30 p.m., cause of death as of yet unreleased

People have been wondering about how much air time each of these deaths have received. I will admit just as quickly as anyone else that anyone who said they were receiving equal treatment was off their rocker. It is obvious that the news media has dug its claws into the Michael Jackson story and is dragging it along for ratings. But why? Well, there are a few reasons for this.

These reasons are sad and offensive, but they are true reasons, and cannot be denied. I do not agree with the reasoning behind who's death gets what time, but this is just the way it is, in my eyes. Perhaps if these reasons are discussed, we can change the monster that drives our news media -- exploitation of tragedy.

First of all, people are complaining that with the advent of the death of Michael Jackson, no one is hearing about the death of Farrah Fawcett. I have one thing to ask. Remember Ed McMahon? I didn't think so.

Ed McMahon was famous in his own right, but he was viewed as old by the media powers-that-be. To them, he was well past his prime. He was death-warmed-over and just waiting to be buried. Old people die. That's a fact of life. Who's going to care?

Media thoughts: Old guy died. He was famous. The old people who watch cable news will remember him. People who know the name of Johnny Carson will remember him. People who did the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes will remember him. Oh, and people who watch those weird commercials on T.V. during the day that cater to old people (e.g. advertising medicines, advertising investment in gold, advertising purchase of Franklin Mint knick-knacks and non-circulating Liberian memorial coinage, etc.) will remember him. It's two generations maybe back from the popular in-the-know youth hipsters of today, but let's do a story anyway.

Farrah Fawcett died of cancer. We've been hearing about Farrah Fawcett's battle with cancer for quite some time. We knew she was going to die. She also was famous. Many of us still remember her for her looks, charm, and roles she played. But she was sick. We knew she was only going to be around for a while. It was tragic, but that's the way of cancer.

Media thoughts: How tragic. A beautiful actress has passed after her battle with cancer. Everyone remembers Charlie's Angels. Everyone remembers her curly hair and broad, white-toothed smile. She was a sex icon: beautiful, strong, ....and somewhat ditzy. Middle-America, personified. Viewers love tragedy and suffering. They like to see things that make them feel better about themselves. Let's help them with that "thank god it wasn't me or someone I love" feeling and do a story. Lots of people remember this lady. Aging people, yes, perhaps the parents of our hipster youth, but they still spend money on our commercialized products. Be sure to get a hybrid vehicle ad somewhere in there. We need to sell more of those. And don't forget Oil of Olay.

Michael Jackson died of unknown causes, hours after Farrah Fawcett. I think, of the three, he is not only the undisputed king of the popularity/fame contest, but also his death was the least expected. People around the world know his name. Ask kids in Germany or Japan if they know Ed McMahon. Try Farrah Fawcett too.

Media thoughts: OH MY F^%&ING GOD! This is a tragedy goldmine! That geezer McMahon was just plain old. Old people die. Farrah who? Oh yeah, the lady with cancer. Sad, but cancer victims die. Michael Jackson? Who would have thought? He was sick earlier in the year but...... OH MY F^%&ING GOD! Everyone, EVERYONE wants to hear about Michael Jackson.

The reasons are clear. Of the three who died he was the shocker. He was no doubt the most famous. He was also the one to climb into the clouds, only to fall so very far. His life, and his death, were a tragedy that surpassed any inkling of a story you could write about Ed McWho and Farrah. GET THIS ON THE TUBE/(S)! People will eat this up. People who love him and say "Oh no! He's dead!" will tune in. People who hate him and say "Bout damn time that pedophile went to hell" will tune in. People surprised by the shock of the death will tune in just because of the WTF principle.

Again, I don't believe that any of the reasons behind why which death receives however much time is ethical or moral. This is the truth as I see it. The media wants the biggest story, the biggest tragedy, akin to some earthquake or tsunami that kills thousands upon thousands of.. some other... maybe brown... people far far away. Therefore, McMahon is brushed under the carpet, Fawcett is taken off the stove, and we are force-fed a Michael Jackson sandwich.

People realize, and the news media doesn't, that all three of these individuals were loved; they all had friends, family, and fans. They all touched lives in their own communities equally and as passionately as each other. They will ALL be missed.

And get Ed McMahon back on T.V. I want to see Barbara Walters' report on him.

The End?

2009-06-12T11:05:00.003-04:00

This weekend marks the final transition from analog broadcasting to digital broadcasting. As I'm sure you know, the transition day was delayed because many people complained. It seems they thought they hadn't enough time, or enough money, to by conversion boxes, if they needed them. Many people stated that the transition would abandon many elderly who depend on broadcast TV for... entertainment and news I guess... and since they were on fixed incomes they couldn't afford the boxes with such short notice.

That was a crap excuse. Maybe it was different in other areas, but I used to work in the industry, and I know for a fact that we started warning our customers as early as 2002. Could have been earlier, but the first time I can remember telling a customer was shortly after the attacks in New York and DC. It could even have been later... maybe 2003 or 2004, and I'm getting my memories confused. It doesn't matter anyway, because the point is they had between 4 and 8 years to prepare, not a matter of months. That's enough time, I think.

My real question is what is said about the transition. It's allegedly going to "free up that part of the broadcast spectrum for other uses."

The official take on these "other uses" is that it will be used for public safety communications. These are communications for fire departments, police departments, civil defense, etc.

I wonder, are they going to broadcast visually for these communications? Why is there the need for it? I don't work in that industry, so I'm not aware. Has the band reserved for this sort of thing become cluttered?

If you remember your old TVs, they have UHF (ultra high frequency 300-3000MHz) and VHF (very high frequency 30-300MHz).

There are many other radio frequencies used for communication. You have low frequencies, super low frequencies, medium, high, super high, extremely high... pretty much all you'd imagine.

Interestingly enough there are some designations for things one doesn't normally think about, but are necessary: satellite reception, military countermeasures, and ..you guessed it... traffic radar.

The photo radar comes to mind. This is where they build the little stands with cameras on them at the intersections of streets or public crosswalks that take pictures of people who "violate" the law.

The band reserved for photo radar is currently around the 33 to 35 GHz range. I'm trying to figure this out. We've had new cameras installed, and I actually support the reasons behind putting them up, at least I did, until I finally heard a good argument against it.

We have speeders that come down our hill too fast to slow down for the light at the bottom or the school crosswalk next to it. It makes it near impossible to pull out onto the main road from our side street because the speeders crest the blind hill and fly toward you at least 20mph over the posted limit, or more. They put cameras (all over town too) at this intersection, and it has slowed the traffic. I am all for this.

The argument I heard against it was that the operation of our cameras may be contracted out to a third party, a private for-profit institution that may or may not, depending on the honorable nature of the company, seek profits over my rights. They can do any manner of things to the photos before handing them to the police, including but not limited to using photoshop to alter times, speeds, license plates, entire cars even...

Sadly, I must admit that this has, while not convincing me of the evils of traffic cameras, made me more wary of them.

If you're interested, click here for information on how to beat a ticket received from a traffic camera. You can even have it not appear on your record.

But this isn't what I'm really concerned about.

They are freeing up 30-3000MHz for public safety communications.

Since I don't believe the traffic band for radio communication for fire, police, and hospital are cluttered, the only logical thing I can think of would be communications for visual devices. Perhaps broadcast TV, like camera phones, from dispatch to police cars, trucks, and fire. Perhaps communication between a hub or chief to individual officers on the beat or firefighters in a structural fire. Perhaps even cameras on their hats/helmets that broadcast in real-time what they see. I think that usage of these bands is more than justified.

What I don't think is justified, and what I worry about considerably, is the usage of these bands for the broadcast of "big brother" cameras. As London, England, is currently plagued, are we destined to be swarmed by masses of "public safety" cameras on every street corner and alley?

Cameras used to spy on our every-day lives?

This is not a societal step in the right direction, in my opinion. I hope that this is not the intended use of these newly "freed" bands.

I don't want cameras spying on me. I don't need the government watching everything I do. Government is a necessary evil used to mitigate grievances between individuals, groups, or states. Assault, robbery, transport of goods, civil rights cases, even taxes, are all grievances between groups.

What I don't need is a camera shoved in my face, surveying my surroundings in order to keep me safe. It is good to be protected. I'm not denying that. I'm saying that the risk of abuse of this system far outweighs any benefit received.

Could spy cameras on street corners have prevented the terrorist attacks of 1993? 1995? 2001? Could they have found who sent the mysterious anthrax? Perhaps.

Could spy cameras, especially ones that can penetrate your clothing, stop people from planting devices in towns or on airplanes? Probably.

Does this justify the usage of those cameras? I think not.

I am a fervent believer in the famous quote by Benjamin Franklin, "Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." I even have it cross-stitched into my pillow.

Perhaps these traffic cameras were the beginning. Perhaps I should protest them. I definitely will reject any public spy cameras on my street corners.

Some say it's the end of analog transmission. Is it also an end to freedom? You decide.

As a side note, while researching radio frequencies, I was reminded of numbers stations. These are stations on shortwave used to transmit streams of numbers to a target. The numbers are believed to be encrypted communications to spies in foreign countries. You can hear an example here and see an example here. These files are the property of their respective owners and I have used them without their permission. If they so choose, I will remove them from this post.

Could this be what the "new uses" for these freed broadcast bands will be? More spy communication? With or without cameras?

I am most intrigued by the comment in the video by the reporter, referring to a British official who stated, "People shouldn't be interested in numbers stations, because people shouldn't be listening to them, because they are illegal to listen to."

Maybe I'm just paranoid.....

Reasoning, Take 1:

2009-06-05T11:21:00.004-04:00

Last night Vincent and I were watching a movie, and during this movie it began to snow quite heavily. There was at most four feet of snow on the ground, and the snow continued to fall. Vincent looked at the television and exclaimed proudly, "Look at all the snow!" He then followed with, "It's snowing BRAN flakes!" Realizing something wasn't quite right with what he said, he placed his finger to his chin, thought for a moment, then said, "No, It's snowing SNOW flakes!"

Vinny loves to eat bran flakes. Typical 2-year-old again, but entertaining just the same.

Silent Hill On the Wii?

2009-06-04T15:25:00.003-04:00

Nintendo announced recently that a new Silent Hill game will premiere on the Wii. There have been many responses to this on the internet already. There are many for it and many just right off dead against it.

Briefly, Silent Hill is a survivor horror game. It basically involves a protagonist getting dumped into a mysterious town, deserted and enshrouded with fog, and he needs to find his way to some goal, whether it be locate a missing family member, or simply to make sense of what he/she's stepped into and escape. Throughout the game a complex storyline develops, revealing the history of the town and how it relates to their lives. As you progress through the game, you enter various areas of a horrific nightmare, a parallel universe of the town that may closest be described as hell. There are many twisted creations that wander both realms. All are deadly.

The announcement of a Silent Hill coming to the Wii is very exciting. So why are there people upset?

Well, for one, the nightmarish world that for several games has been depicted as an iron and steel industrial hell painted in blood has become an "ice" world. This is a refreshing change, in my opinion, and I anticipate seeing how they make it work. For some it's an immediate turnoff. I understand why -- the steel and blood industrial hell of the previous games is what defines Silent Hill. Regardless, I think this new Ice world deserves a chance. Let's see what they do with it before we lambaste Team Silent into annihilation.

The second change to the Silent Hill universe, as ranted by many loyal base members, is the decreased role weapons will play in the game.

I think they are mistaken. Many people play Silent Hill on easy and/or normal difficulty levels. In these levels, weapons and ammunition are prevalent, and it is quite easy to progress through the game effortlessly blowing all of your enemies to smithereens.

However, if you play any Silent Hill game, all the way back to the original in 1999, on a hard difficulty, you will see that weapons are almost useless. On those levels, ammunition is very rare and monsters take too many hits to take down. It's best you run like the wind when you see them and save your ammo for the boss battles.

This is made even more difficult in Silent Hill for the Wii by having the AI improved so that the creatures use strategy in taking you down, and will pursue you as far as they can. They will flank you, trap you, feint, and mob you.

I think this is the true mission of Silent Hill: horror in which the protagonist is a normal person, weak, untrained, afraid, and simply trying to survive. This is what Silent Hill was meant to be. Running away is intended. Turning the game into a shooter was not.

Harry Mason of Silent Hill was not a warrior. James Sunderland of Silent Hill 2 was a little bit stronger. In Silent Hill 3 Heather Mason, the series' first female protagonist, had become stronger. When she gets her hands on the katana, watch out! I'd have to say that Henry Townshend in Silent Hill 4 was about the same as Heather. Travis, in Silent Hill Origins (zero), took a great leap into the toughguy protagonist role. He goes through the game carring a plethora of weapons, including items such as TVs, desk lamps, and furniture, in which to bash creatures over the head. He's also pretty darn good with his fists. Silent Hill Homecoming is even worse. Alex Shephard, the protagonist, is a trained soldier.

You can see how the game has degraded into a ramboesque survival shooter. This, I think, has been the detrimental change to Silent Hill.

There was another game that came out in those days that has also become a staple to survival horror fans. It's called Resident Evil. Let's leave all the gunfighting to Chris Redfield, Claire Redfield, Leon Kennedy, and Jill Valentine. However, one can also argue that Resident Evil, when played on Hard levels, gives little ammunition, forcing you to flee past creatures instead of fighting them.

My protagonist in Silent Hill will be played on hard difficulty, and he/she's going to be running away from everything. That is how I play, at night, in the dark, with the sound volume up. And yes, I pee my pants.

Ingenuity, Take 1

2009-06-04T12:55:00.002-04:00

A quick post so I won't forget. This afternoon I caught Vincent trying to bite through an electric cord. It was attached to a fan, plugged in, and the fan was on.

Remembering what happened to the cat in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when it bit through the Christmas light wires, I jumped into action.

"What are you doing to that wire," I calmly asked.

"I'm turning off the fan, daddy," he replied.

"That's a good idea," I responded. "But there are better ways to do it."

2-year-old problem solving skills never cease to make my day.

To Protect and Serve; Police Chronicles, Part 1

2009-06-04T12:47:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I took Vinny to the park to play. It was getting quite late; the sun had set and the sky was darkening. This park to which I took him is behind the public library, off away from prying eyes from the street, but next to the police station. As part of his customary patrol, I assume, a police officer was doing his rounds in the library parking lot. Vincent had pooped his pants while standing atop the slide, and I was leading him back to our car for a quick change.

As anyone with a 2-year-old knows, you can take the boy away from the park but you can't take the park from the boy. He was not happy, and he was making sure everyone knew it.

Well, we have a Toyota Highlander, and most of the time I use the back as a platform for emergency diaper changing. The police officer circled around the parking lot as I approached my car, eyeing me and my unhappy son.

I guess he was quite surprised when I threw open the back door of the SUV and put Vincent in. He came to a stop not fifty feet from me, and watched me like a hawk.

It took a few minutes to change Vinny, and all the while the cop never took his eyes off me.

When we were finished, I had Vincent stand up, he jumped down from the back, and I led him to his car seat and he climbed in. By the time I had buckled him in and returned to shut the back door, the cop had pulled around and was slowly driving past.

I looked at him, smiled, and held up the poopie mess. "Diaper," I said. He smiled, nodded, and drove off.

Thank you, Mr. policeman, for watching out for my kid. Your protective services are appreciated more than you'll ever know.

The Perils of Fairness

2009-06-03T18:11:00.003-04:00

When you declare yourself a free state that ensures equal rights under the law to all persons within your society, you enter some perilous waters.

Why? Because you have to give the same rights to all members of your society. No kidding, eh? You'd be surprised how many people still don't get it.

For example, I participated in an online poll on a famous internet society website concerning whether same-sex marriage should be legalized. I, of course, voted yes, and added the comment "Either do that or take away all of the legal benefits of heterosexual marriages."

It wasn't long at all before I received a message stating "Why would you do that?"

Again, I don't see this as difficult to figure out, but I'll state my reasoning just the same.

Because...that's....what....marriage....is.....

Marriage is a legal contract between two people that ensures right of transfer of property and responsibility over the well being of family member, among other things. There is no legal reason to deny this right to anyone. The only reason at all to deny this equality can only be rooted in philosophy, and in the case of our nation, religious philosophy. Even though I discussed this some time ago, the issue, to no surprise, is still dominating our every day lives.

I have no argument against anyone citing philosophy to deny someone any right whatsoever. That's the whole point of having free thought and free expression in a free society.

What I can't stand is a person or a group of people justifying legal discrimination in our society. That is not what our society claims to represent, yet people within our society wish it. That is what this entire issue concerns.

Let me restate. There is no legal reason to deny the right of marriage to anyone. No reason.

People who are married only gain legal and secular benefits. According to the Office of the General Counsel of the United States General Accounting Office, there are 1,138 benefits given legally married couples by the United States government. 1,138!

These include, but are in no way limited to, Social Security survivor benefits, spousal survivor benefits, employee survivors benefits, general retirement benefits, pension benefits, immigration rights, bereavement leave, medical power of attorney, tax benefits, insurance breaks and benefits, visitation rights (in hospital and of child), veteran's benefits (discounts and access), etc.

States also offer benefits such as joint bank accounts, divorce protection, tax exemptions on partner death, property rights, bankruptcy rights, adoption rights, etc.

There is no sacred benefit to being married whatsoever.

Marriage is not performed by a religious organization. It hasn't been handled by the church for hundreds upon hundreds of years.

Ministers of religion must petition the state for the right to place couples into the marriage contract. The state does not petition the clergy. End of argument. There is no if, and, but, or, or anything. End of argument.

The naysayers stand up and scream "What will they do now? Legalize marriage to your dog?" That is not only ridiculous but also proves how much of an uncaring, arrogant, selfish idiot the person saying it truly is. You're equating another human being to a dog? Do you realize what you just said?

I also hate it when people say that the discrimination should stay in effect because it is simply that, a religious rule. "Though shalt not murder is a commandment," they claim, "and it's law. Marriage being between a man and a woman should be the same."

At the risk of sounding really agitated, I just need to say, the ignorance of people astounds me. It seems to never end.

Murdering someone infringes on their personal rights. Giving someone else the secular benefit you get when you marry isn't infringing on anyone's rights... that is... unless you say giving someone something you have access to is infringing on your rights.... which leads to.... you thinking you deserve something they do not.... which leads to... you think you're superior.

Murder is illegal across the board. There is no cast in our society that is given the right to murder. Murder is an all-or-nothing concept. Marital benefits should be the same. All-or-nothing.

So give this right to those seeking same-sex marriage. Or take it away from heterosexual marriages. I prefer that they take it away. Maybe then people will understand what they've lost. Maybe then they'll understand what they've been keeping from their fellow human beings all this time.

To All The Future Dads Out There

2009-06-03T11:38:00.003-04:00

A friend recently asked me what I thought it was like being a father. It seems the question of whether he and his wife were going to have a child had come up. I wrote him a letter in response, and decided to post it (it has no personal information other than my own). Perhaps other future fathers or men pondering the child question will find it helpful. I think this is perhaps the longest blog post I've ever posted.

*********

You asked me what I thought of fatherhood. I could easily answer, “it is great,” or “It has changed my life,” or “it has its ups and downs.” I could even give a couple of examples to support what I said, but without helping you see the grit and joy as I have seen it, I feel that answering in such a manner would be totally unfair to you.

I also know that it would be terribly unfair to you to expect you to read page after page of things that you might not have wanted to read. Perhaps you want that summary.
So, to compromise, I am offering a summary and a detailed explanation of how things have changed me, or what I felt about them.

SUMMARY
What do I think of fatherhood? I was scared to death of the prospect. I wanted to have a child, sure, but did I want the commitment of keeping the child? The responsibility? Did I really want to put my life, my desires, my expectations on the backburner in order to foster the growth of a child?

Perhaps I’m biased, but since I’ve taken that step I look back to those thoughts and think, yes, yes I do. Yes I did. I’m glad I did.

It’s not easy. Nothing like this ever is. I think what sums it up most is fatherhood (or parenthood for that matter) is a long list of mistakes pushing toward a positive outcome. There is no “getting it right.” There is no “right” way to be a parent, despite the existence of clearly the well-known “wrong” way.

What is most important is that you “want” the child. If you have a child you do not really want, you will hurt the child in some way, at some time, some how, either mentally or physically.
Life with a child under your governance will be scary at times, happy at times, frustrating, and rewarding. As I said before, there is no easy path. There will be many times that you’ll get it wrong. You might think “oh my god what have I done,” or “I’m such a terrible parent.” The good thing to remember is that when you grow from these mistakes, you’ll see that you, as well as the child, are learning. This is what is most important to me.
I thought I had seen it all. I didn’t think there was much more for me to learn about being human. But I had it wrong. I have learned so much from my son, maybe more than I’ve even taught him.

I think that the experience of having a child is a blessing. If it is in your ability, financially and emotionally, I think it best for you to do it. But you must remember, you are no longer you. As when you got married, you became a husband and wife. With a child, the dynamics are further complicated.

For example, as a bachelor you could go wherever you wanted, whenever you wanted, for as long as you wanted.

As a married man you had to go places you and your wife wanted to go (e.g. for vacation), when you and your wife could both afford the time to go, and for however long you could afford and/or could take the time.

Factoring in a child only makes those times you can go more seldom.
If you have any specific questions, feel free to email them to me. I’d be happy to answer.

THE LONG TALK
I know this is very long. Don’t try to read it all at once. Finish it, if you can, and if you have any questions, please ask.

The path through fatherhood, as I have experienced it, is paved with fear, doubt, and regret. This is not to dissuade you, however, because as I see it, the fear fades away, the doubt turns to confidence, and you learn from the regret. I think it is an experience all men should have. I have learned, grown, and changed as a human being considerably—all, I believe, for the better. I’ll do my best to take you down that path as I saw it.

The first fear I had, when we were contemplating having a child, was whether I would be a good parent or not. This fear, of course, was ridiculous, because there was no point in worrying over something like this until the child was born. It did, however, give me time to ponder what methods I would use to parent the child – methods which may or may not manifest. What I mean is you can always aspire toward an ideal, but in times of anger, you may regress to other less desirable methods. For example, I was struck as a child. We didn’t want to raise our children using spanking as punishment, but I’ve already slipped and swatted him several times. But each time it happens, after I’m filled with the above-mentioned regret, I try to educate myself on how that happened and try to steer interactions away from reaching that point again.
After conception another fear was added. What if the child miscarried? What if the child was stillborn? What if the child had birth defects?

These are all things that are out of your control but may occupy your time. What I can say is that I did my best to realize that these things happen, and when they happen, you adjust. It’s your duty to the child. When people asked me, as time went on, if I wanted a boy or a girl, I would always say, “I don’t care what it is as long as it has all of its fingers and toes.” I clung to that until the 4D scans indicated he had no defects.

I made all sorts of plans while he was in utero. I knew we’d do all sorts of things, from fishing to hiking, to making music with blades of grass and digging tunnels. Many of the things I planned have happened, and many haven’t. I jumped the gun a bit, I guess. Some things are better left unplanned for quite some time.

My biggest fear during gestation turned into fear of what I would do during the act of labor, how I would react, and how I would support my wife up to that point and beyond.

The best thing we did, and I would advise anyone to do this, was take the pre-pregnancy classes at the hospital. You learn many, many things; you learn breathing/coaching/calming techniques for labor; you learn how to detect problems with your infant by studying things like body temperature, fecal color, smell, and consistency; you learn how to judge motor and psychological development; you learn how to avoid common infant maladies such as cradle-cap, diaper rash, and bottle-mouth; you learn strategies to minimize SIDS and most importantly, infant CPR. You will also witness a live birth on video. Many men usually view this as gross, but if you are going to be in the labor room, you need to prepare for this. I saw some things I thought I’d never see in my life, and I’ll mention them shortly.

What followed was simply general excitement and anticipation. The scheduled due date came and went. A few days passed, and then it happened. I made a blog post on my wife’s “Dear Vinny” blog – the only post I’ve made to that blog – that describes the event, as I saw it, in good memory.

***
Friday, October 20, 2006
The Road Least Traveled

Well Vincent you were two weeks old yesterday, and I tell you, what an adventure you and I and your mother have been on. I’ll recap the highlights for you.

For the past two months before your birthday I have not slept. I have been anxious with worry, having questions boggle my mind.

What do we do when the water breaks? How do I help your mother get through labor? Will I survive labor? Will your mom go into a bad transition and use her karate on me and hurtle me out the window? What will Vincent be like? Will we harvest the cord blood properly? Do we have all we need to start raising a kid? Will we sleep?

For several weeks before you were born, your mother would wake up and go to the bathroom near dawn. In the end it was getting painful – she would gasp, whine, whimper, and sigh as she battled her way to the toilet. Hearing these sounds, from within whatever slumber I had managed to work myself into, I would start up in bed, asking, “Is everything all right?”

Everything was always fine. It was the waiting game, and we were playing it.

I had originally bet my money on you being born on September 23rd. This is because, being the steadfast record keepers that we are, we knew the probable date of your conception, and working the math, determined the latter half of September to be the target date. The doctors disagreed, stating that all first babies are late, and nailed the date down at October 4th.

I was further reinforced in my belief you would be born in September when we had your 4d pictures made. We, thinking you were at 34 weeks, went in for the ultrasound. The nurse performing the operation looked at you and determined you were not 34 weeks, but 36 weeks, and labeled your pictures such. At that time, if you were 36 weeks, the suggested target birth date for a full 40-week term would be, you guessed it, the end of September.

But September 23rd came and went. Your mom’s target date, September 25th, also came and went.

Every morning I continued to hear the grunts, moans, and sighs. But nothing.

September became October, and the two of us were getting excited. It was an “any-day-now” situation. I think it is kind of like getting on a roller coaster ride. When you’re standing in line, you worry about the ride. You worry if it will scare you, or if you will get sick. You think about jumping the rails and running away. You think about how nice it would be to sit at one of the boring street cafés and spend an hour watching people walk past. But you stay the course, getting closer to the ride dock, and berating yourself the entire way. Then it comes. You climb in, get strapped in, and off you go. There is no turning back. And, then, you start to climb the big hill.

We were going up that hill for several days. October 4th came. You decided it must’ve been too cold outside, and as the sun set, your mother again told me to give you a stern talking to. It seems your aunt Rachel and uncle Scott were concerned about your cousin Byron tarrying in the womb, and Scott gave him a “stern talking to,” after which Byron popped right out.
So I did it. “Vincent, if you don’t come out of there this instant, you’ll be grounded.”

Well it wasn’t that instant. But when the sun came up on the morning of October 5th, I heard from the bathroom…

“Oops.”

No sighs. No whimpers. No scream of pain. Just an “oops.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“I think my water just broke,” your mother replied.

So I looked at the sheets. There was a big, round wet spot and some dripping on the floor, but nothing that couldn’t be explained away as a momentary lapse of control. There were a few drops of liquid on your mom’s leg that looked like strawberry kool-aid. It was nothing gushing like we were told happened on average.

Neither of us were sure what to do. Yeah we had six birthing classes. Maybe in one they told us what to do, but standing there in the bathroom at seven-thirty in the morning, our minds were as still as an empty room.

So I did the best thing I knew to do. I called John Hartman.

If you were coming, they needed to know. Marvis was support person number 2. She had an idea, but wasn’t really told I think, that she was coming primarily to support me and not your mother. Odd, yes, but I was afraid I would freeze in labor, and I didn’t want Becca to feel alone.

But I digress.

“We think her water just broke.” I told your Grandpa Hartman on the phone. I must’ve been on speakerphone, which is often the case when you call the Hartman house, because I heard Grandma Marvis scream with delight.

As the scientists we all were, I felt compelled to provide evidence that would support my hypothesis.

“There’s this red liquid dripping down her leg.”

“Call the doctor and see what they say to do,” said Marvis, “but you probably should go to the hospital.”

So we called. They said they’d get back with us, and we waited.

“Oh wow,” I heard your mother exclaim. “I think that’s my mucous plug.” So I looked, and called John Hartman again.

“There’s this snotty stuff all over the place now.”

“Yes,” said Grandma Marvis. “You really need to go to the hospital now. “

So we were reassured. The time had come. I went and jumped in the shower. As I got my clothes off, the phone rang. The doctors, having finally decided to give us a return call, told us that there was no time to lose, that to keep you at the lowest risk of infection, we had to leave for the hospital, right then, right now. So I dressed, and off we went.

People ask me about that drive to the hospital. I was nervous, yes, but I was not on edge. I drove calmly and carefully. We chatted about you finally coming, and how anxious we were to see you. We talked briefly about breathing, focusing, and working through the pain. I also did my best to avoid the bumps and potholes in the road, because as you may discover one day, potholes, speed-bumps, and laboring women do not get along.

I pulled up to ER, helped your mom to the registration/admittance counter, and showed them our proof of pre-registration.

“So how far along are your contractions?” they asked.

“Three minutes.” Your mom was timing them before we left. They were three minutes as soon as the water broke.

“So what exactly makes you think the baby is coming soon?” they asked. That wasn’t their exact words, but being the lazy bureaucratic desk-jockeys they were, that is how I took it.

“I dunno, but it might be something to do with the fact that her water broke forty minutes ago,” I said. I remember saying this, but again, I don’t remember what elicited this response. I do remember, however, they looking over the desk at the red dripping on your mother’s leg, then they, wide-eyed, exclaiming, “this baby is coming, we need to get her to the triage.”
So I went to park the car.

It seems while I was gone the gushing water happened. Your mom decided the floor in front of the lazy bureaucrat’s desk needed a good polishing.

By the time I got to the birthing unit they were wheeling your mom into triage. Then the nurse looked down, saw the big swath of water behind the wheelchair, and said, “you don’t need triage, I didn’t realize your water was broke,” so they immediately moved us to a birthing room.
And that’s where it happened. We had some really good nurses. Deb was in charge; she did her best to keep the humor. Amanda was a trainee, and after she nearly drained your mom’s blood from a good jab for an IV she became one of the best helpers that was there. Your mom, too, was in good spirits. Deb told her that if your mom was still cracking jokes at this stage, the labor would come, and be easy.

Once things settled down I did my job. I’m not the best breather in the world, so I couldn’t coach by breathing. When the contractions came, I used gentle pressure on your mom’s hand as I held it to keep her focused on when to breathe in and out. I also reminded her to relax her jaw. It became a joke, but the best way she could do it was stick out her tongue. So for the next nine hours when I said, “relax that jaw,” your mom’s tongue would shoot out.

Around ten or eleven a.m. Grandpa John and Grandma Marvis showed up. Marvis was a good breathing coach, although because she couldn’t see my hands, didn’t realize that her breathing was off key to my rhythm of pressure and was causing some confusion. But your mom is a trooper and she worked her way through it.

As time went on, there was a clear problem happening. “Very bizarre,” as Doctor Peters put it. It seems your mom’s cervix was ripe and more than 80% effaced, but there was no dilation. After six hours of this they finally gave your mom a new IV with pitocin, a drug that somehow seems to speed up the process but as a side effect makes the pain during contractions more intense.
And that’s what happened. Soon, by 2:00 pm, your mother was in such pain that she was doubled over, moaning in agony, and pressing her face hard into the grip-bars on the side of the bed. It was time for the epidural. We had previously placed in our birth plan that she wanted to avoid an epidural if at all possible, but now, after the pain, she wanted it. So she got it. And she relaxed.

Life was different after the epidural. Your mom sat on the bed again, relaxed, cracked jokes, and dozed in and out. Finally Marvis and I went down to the café to get a bite to eat. When we got back, Becca was having trouble again.

“I feel like I really need to push,” she would say. She had dilated after the epidural/pitocin to 4cm, and we thought there was still time. So Amanda the nurse came in and we asked, and she checked.

“I think she’s at six or so,” was the response, and she called in Deb to confirm. Deb confirmed, but by the time she did, she added, “she’s complete now.”

So it was quick. Deb looked at your mother and said, “if you want to have this baby, let’s push it out now.”

I want to take one second to say that those nurses in that room really know what they are doing. They know how to take over when the time comes, keep you focused, and get that baby out of you.

And that’s what they did. Doctor Peters was attending a birth in an adjacent room that had complications, and you weren’t willing to wait on him. Deb, Amanda, Grandma Marvis, and I helped bring you in this world. I cradled your mom up in my arms and helped her scrunch up together and push. Marvis held your mother’s opposite leg and helped push, and Deb and Amanda got you out.

Words can’t exclaim the rush of emotion or the miraculous wonder I saw. I could never do it justice. But I will say that when your head was partially out, and your face turned up, you looked right at me. I don’t know if you saw me, but I know it was your first sight of the outside world, and I can only hope I was part of what you saw.

I told your mom repeatedly that I could see you – She needed the support. She was working hard and didn’t think she was making any progress. And then BAM the head was out. After that it was a quick turn of the shoulder and you came dropping out into the world. Doctor Peters came in just in time to hear you crying.

They cleaned you up, sewed up your mother, and collected the cord blood. Things were calming down. Happy Birthday was sung to you, and then you just sat there and looked at us.
One thing though I think I’ll always hear in my head though, to the end of time, is:

“Okay deep breath now! ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE AND TEN!”

Welcome to the world Vincent.

Dad

***

There are two things from that blog post that stand out to me as things I absolutely must tell
you.

First, contact CBR technologies and use them to collect and store your baby’s cord blood. This is to insure that his stem cells will be frozen and stored and will be used in the future if your child develops one of many diseases or conditions. Think of it like an insurance policy. It is worth it. And with all the advances happening in the field, more diseases (e.g. diabetes) are getting closer to being treatable/curable. The initial cost was not cheap, and then you pay yearly for 18 years. I think we pay around 500$ a year for the service.

The downside is if you want to cut the cord, you can’t. The doctor cuts it and collects the blood.
The second is to be sure you pre-register at your hospital for admittance. This will save you a hell of a lot of time when delivery comes. Please, please, do that.

Ok, back to my story.

Because our family roles are a bit different, I ended up the stay-at-home parent. My wife was off work for eight weeks, but she had to go back. Her earning potential was always three or more times mine, so this was a no-brainer, who would work and who would stay at home.
That being said, my experience may be a bit different from what yours may be, so I’ll try to stick more with the internalization of thoughts and feelings than not.

I was afraid to hold him, of course. I thought I’d break him, or drop him. But I finally did it, and then I didn’t want to let him go.

As for my wife and the strangest things I saw, well… I was worried when I saw some things. I’m going to be a bit graphic, but to reassure you that weird things can happen and people can be ok, I need to share this.

First off was the IV. The nurse missed the IV, cut the vein, and blood dripped down my wife’s arm onto the floor and formed quite a puddle. I never thought I’d see that much blood unless someone had lost a limb or something. That’s usually what you see in the movies. I’m sure the blood loss affected her but she was so out of it with labor and all I doubt she ever missed it.

The second thing was seeing her in all that pain. I think that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience in my life. She was in such pain that she was literally going to break her teeth or her nose on the metal rail of the bed. So much pain, and there’s not a damn thing in the world that
you can do to ease it or make it go away.

Third was the epidural. This is a very dangerous procedure. You have to hold your wife in such a way that her back is greatly arched, like an angry cat, and they pop this huge needle in-between vertebra and inject the drug. It makes a sickening pop sound. It’s one of those times where you hold tight and make sure you don’t move.

The last thing about the delivery that nearly made me swoon was afterward. After the baby was delivered, my wife’s canal was opened wide. Her hips had separated. Purely natural, I reminded myself, but I couldn’t shake the fact how it resembled a thanksgiving turkey salted and ripe for stuffing. It was a huge cavern. I never thought I’d ever see a hole in someone that big and have him/her not die. I’d say it was big enough to stick a soccer ball in. And then the part you never hear about, helping the delivery of the afterbirth, came. You rub on the belly and gently push, and after a while, out comes this big piece of meat that looks like fresh pot roast and a clear sheen of fat, sautéed in its own blood juices. It wasn’t pleasant. But you’re going to see this, and you need to be prepared.

To me, it was all worth it. I would gladly have undergone any disgusting or gross condition to see him turn and look at me that first time. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. Knowing that, I don’t think these things will ever have the power on me they had before and during the birth.

Moving on, as any parent knows, that first few weeks is important. Many changes are happening to the child, and you MUST be vigilant.

If you guys choose to breast feed, be aware that your wife is going to go through absolute hell if she doesn’t choose to pump. Not pumping is very intimate for the mother and child, allows them to bond, but also means that since no one else can help with the feedings, she’s going to have to be up every two hours or so, all day, all night, for however long it takes. There will be no rest. We tried this at first. Our son was having a hard time latching on and no matter what we tried, not much milk was coming. The baby was born at 7 pounds, 11 ounces, and dropped to about 6 pounds 8 or 6 pounds 9. Many babies lose weight at birth, but this had become a concern.

So rest assured, for the first weeks there will be constant crying, no sleep, no time for yourself, worry over every little detail (e.g. is the baby laying on its back, is the bath water too hot, is the temperature of the milk ok ( formula or pumped breastmilk), etc.) You’ll also start wondering about the diapers. Is the baby peeing enough? Pooping enough? Poop starts slowly and its color/consistency varies depending on whether the baby is breastfed or bottle-fed with formula. As for pee, there are a certain number of wet diapers per day, based on how many days old. You’ll get this data in your birthing classes.

If you are going to work and she is going to stay at home, I cannot stress how much help you can be if you can find a way to stay at home with her and help her for a week or two. If you can’t, get someone else -- your mom, her mom, a sister -- it doesn’t matter who. She can’t do it alone. No matter what she says, she can’t do it alone and she’ll thank you for it later.

And brace yourself for what can happen.

At one week old we went to a lactation consultation at which Vincent stopped breathing. He was rushed to the E.R., and from there to Children’s Hospital.

I nearly broke down when the nurses took me to the E.R. with Vincent as they prepared his mom, and I had to hold an oxygen mask that was way too big to his week-old face.

He was then transported to the Children’s Hospital, where they contaminated his blood samples with meningitis, which led to them performing spinal taps on him, and we waited for three days.
As expected, he did not have meningitis. The hypothesis of why he stopped breathing is that he regurgitated/refluxed food during the feeding and choked on it.

We did our best to minimize the trauma our son would experience upon his delivery. For that reason, we chose not to have him circumcised (which is going to have to be a decision you and your wife make, and you must research it – the video of it in our birthing class was enough to convince me it was unnecessary).

Yet after one week of life, he had been constantly pricked, prodded, had three catheters, a spinal tap, IVs in his arms, and one in his head. He was tangled in wires that were connected to what seemed dozens of different sensors. With the IV in his head and all the wires connected to his body, he looked to me as if he were being assimilated into the Borg.

And he was suffering. He constantly yanked and scratched at his IVs, especially the one in his head.

And we worried. We didn’t know how it was going to turn out. A week old child with meningitis? That isn’t pretty.

I’m not much of a praying person, but I will admit, I did then. I didn’t pray for him to get better, I prayed for strength to accept what would be. I was very scared.

But it all turned out ok. We went home, and didn’t have any other problems for a while. For a long while after the hospital incident he would withdraw when you tried to pick him up. He also wouldn’t wear a hat for more than six or eight months. That was very hard to deal with, the withdrawal and knowing why he wouldn’t wear the hat – he remembered what had happened.

We chose to get a pump so we could bottle as much breast milk as we could. I got to feed the baby more often, and my wife got the rest she desperately needed.

Time went on. Vincent grew and changed. I had gotten a camera for father’s day and took picture after picture. I wrote down how he changed on his baby calendar. I also kept a book, a journal, in which I wrote to him about how I felt, things he and I did, and what I wanted him to know in case I didn’t survive into his teen years. I think this is very important, and ask that you try to understand why and maybe do the same. I haven’t written near as much as I wanted to, but it is still something useful that he can have, and will treasure.

I’d have to say that the two biggest things in my life that changed upon becoming a father were how I handled my own fears and how I decided to spend my free time.

When there is a defenseless life form under your care, things that had previously frightened you don’t anymore. For example, a wasp landed very near him, I picked it up by the wings and put it outside. Would I have ever picked up a wasp before? Hell no.

You lose what life you had. You will never be the same person. But the good side is, you get this wonderful chance to make a new life with someone who is part you, that you helped create.

I am not the same person I was, definitely.

As for spending time with your wife, that may decrease considerably. The “divide-and-conquer” method really takes root. When she’s resting, you’ll be parenting. When you’re parenting, she’s probably asleep. You won’t get to spend real quality time with only her until the baby is old enough to be left with a sitter. You can do it then if you have a trustworthy family member or friend who knows what they’re doing keep the baby. We were fortunate to have that. We had a literal cascade of sisters arriving at different weeks in the first month all to help out. We were very grateful. Even today my wife and I don’t have very much time, between work and child rearing, to spend much time together. It is best to include Vincent in our plans as much as we can. We have gotten to take a vacation by ourselves, leaving Vinny with his grandparents for a week, which was very nice, but yet he still occupied my mind. As the traditional mom, it was the first I was away from him. Fortunately for my wife she broke that bond when she went back to work.

She works a lot. She leaves around 9 or 10 in the morning and returns after 6. She spends at most 3 hours with us in the evening before bed. I try to allow her as much time as she can with Vinny. They’ll play, read books, do bedtime routines, and maybe get a bath. When that’s done, she’s drop dead tired. This, I think, is the plight of the principal breadwinning parent, one which I have fortunately avoided – never enough time with your child(ren). As you can probably guess, this leaves little time for my wife and I to actually spend on each other.

Communication is important here. Knowing each other’s wants and needs is important here. Many parents encounter relationship problems during this period simply because one isn’t getting what one needs from the other. I’m not talking about sex, either. With a new baby, what sex life you had is probably gone for quite a while. And don’t guilt her into it either. I’m talking about rest, housework (chores), lawn care, cooking, cleaning, etc. Make sure there’s enough help for all of this.

That being said, remember that the first few months are going to be absolute hell. Not only is there the lack of rest but also there is little reinforcement / reward for all the work. Aside from crying, eating, and pooping, the baby isn’t going to do much for quite a while. You and your wife will hover constantly hoping to catch a glimpse of that first smile or see the child lift its head the first time. I guess it’s like a person sitting at a slot machine, sinking every nickel of his/her hard earned money in the bandit hoping to see flashing lights and hear the bells.

If you stay at home, there’s no rest. If you work, there’s no rest. Displacement of anger becomes quite possible. Relationship deterioration is almost a near certainty, based on the national averages. If you can weather all of this, you will both come out ahead. You will have the blessing of the child and a stronger relationship bond with each other.

If I could ever hope to sum two and a half years into a few more paragraphs and give it all justice I would. Unfortunately I’m bound to miss something important. Of those things you will surely discover and work through.

I know that I wouldn’t exchange anything for the experience I’ve had with my child. Nothing can compare. You love him/her more than you’ve ever loved anything. I know it sounds hokey but it seems to be a different kind of love than you’ve felt for your wife, or friends and family. The “companionate” and “passionate” and “agape” kind of love don’t cover it.

It also seems to bring with it a level of understanding that goes beyond the superficial matter we call reality. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like now I can “see between the frames” of the life I see around me. Maybe I’m just imaging it. Maybe I’m not. I know I’ve achieved a new level of awareness, and despite not knowing if it is truly tied to having a child or not, I am immensely grateful.

You can view a few entries on my blog about further fatherhood experiences, if you like:

http://fatbody.blogspot.com/2007/09/experts-gypies-tramps-and-thieves.html

http://fatbody.blogspot.com/2008/10/rants-and-relaxation.html

http://fatbody.blogspot.com/2009/05/religion-and-paulitics-part-2-wwjd.html

I really don’t know what more I can say other than it seems to be that old cliché about being the path and not the destination. The path is wrought with heartache and frustration, but as you go you’ll see how you learn, and grow, and the path becomes wider and wider.

Interlude 2: Over-boiling The Melting Pot

2009-05-27T09:28:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure if many of you are aware of this, but I volunteer to help an Iraqi refugee family acclimate to life inside the United States. The family is large: the family consists of a father, a mother, and several children. They arrived in February of 2009. Upon arrival, the father spoke little English, the mother none at all, and the two older children could say simple words like "yes," "no," and "hello."

Why'd they come? The father is an engineer, and he helped the United States armed forces throughout their liberation of Iraq. He was such an asset to their plans that they awarded him a medal and granted him legal status in the United States. Moving to the United States would also lessen the chance of he and his family being murdered, as they now were targets.

Since their arrival the family has done what they can to get on the fast track for citizenship. Our group got them a place to live, modestly furnished their apartment, helped them get their government heath care, get them their food subsidies, get them their required health inspections and vaccinations, get their children into school, get the mother English lessons, get them a bank account, and transport them around the city for errands and shopping.

The father has been studying the rules of the road and the time had come for him to get his driver's license. He already knew how to drive; he drove in his home country. However, he had to go through our process which involved getting a driver's permit and taking the written and road tests.

I have spent many, many hours with this family. Our family has had them over for lunch. We've taken them to the park for fun. We've been treated to the finest home-cooked Iraqi dishes at their apartment. During my many hours helping them outside the home in the real world I've seen many rolled eyes, shaking heads, stares, and clutched purses. You know, I expected that.

For example, when he starts talking on the phone, in Arabic, to his family, in the milk section of Kroger, people scatter. It would be almost humorous if it wasn't completely sad. You'd think they thought a bomb was about to go off or something. Useful, maybe, in an elevator or a line to see a movie, but sad nonetheless.

I sat in a chair along the wall while the Iraqi father spoke to people at the counters of the DMV in town. He was bounced from clerk to clerk, either because they were having problems with his documents (which is highly unlikely, as all his documents are in order) or they couldn't understand him. Granted he has an accent, but honestly his accent is more understandable than most east-Tennessean accents. He has a problem with acronyms and obscure words. That's about it. He continued to be tossed around like a hot potato. No one else was being tossed around, I noticed. They went to one counter, got what they needed, and took their tests. I think he was tossed around because of his accent paired with no one really knowing what to do. Supervisors, or at least people I assume were supervisors, were called several times.

He finally ended up at one counter with a gentleman who, after the father spoke (in understandable English, to me), sighed, glared at the Iraqi gentleman, and said "Sir, if you can't speak English I can't help you."

By this point I was near fuming. Whatever business he needed at that counter was finally completed, and he moved to yet another counter. At this counter the woman began to ask him, and I heard it clearly, "Do you want the split test or do you want a permit test? For the split test you have to pay and you walk away with nothing."

You'll walk away with nothing.

He told her to explain, that he didn't understand, and she gave her explanation: a verbatim repeat of her previous statement.

Again he asked for an explanation, and again she gave her customary explanation, although this time she said it louder. I used to always think those jokes about saying things loudly would help someone who didn't speak the language to understand were sort of humorous, but now that I've seen it used in a serious context, i see it for what it truly is.

Finally he looked up to me and waved me over. He told the woman that I would help him. By this time, I must admit, I was quite angry.

She looked at me and asked something along the lines of "Are you going to translate for him? Do you speak his language?"

To which I replied, "Yes, I speak English." She gave me a puzzled look - I feared that we would see sparks fly from her ears and watch her head explode.

She explained to me what she was asking, and I, using English, explained to him what she was asking. The problem was not that he couldn't understand her words, it was because he couldn't understand what she was saying. And who wouldn't? You'll walk away with nothing. And to be honest, I don't know who else would. I surely didn't. I just don't understand why she didn't even give one ounce of effort toward explaining the choices to him as she did to me. Well, no, that's not right. I do understand.

We all know why. It reminds me of my previous post where I discussed a story similar to this. People just assume. And you know what the old adage says about making assumptions.

This man sacrificed everything. His family was in danger. They had to leave everything behind: their life, their livelihood, the belongings they'd worked a lifetime to achieve. Their kids left their toys, their clothing, their friends. They left their memories (what good ones they had). They left other family members.

I will not deny that soldiers in combat sacrifice. However, I feel that the families left behind make a greater sacrifice. Soldiers who live and return were doing their job. I respect their job, but I don't see it as a sacrifice. That is the job they wanted. I see it no more a sacrifice as police officer taking down a suspect, a fire fighter dousing a fire, or nurse wiping poop off a wall. The soldiers who live and die are said to pay the ultimate price, but I disagree. They sacrifice, yes, but they are dead. They don't have to go on living like their families back in the states. The families that have to find new ways to survive. They are paying the ultimate price.

Why do I say this? Because I'm tired of hearing people say that this Iraqi family didn't sacrifice anything by coming to the United States. They left a war-torn unsafe country for the safety of the US and a better life.

Yes. A better life. They were heros for the United States while in Iraq. While in the United States, most view them as common dogs.

They were hunted at home, and are hated by the civil majority of their new land. A better life...

One step up the ladder, but still in the septic tank.

Interlude 1: Things That Make You Go ... WTF?

2009-05-27T09:13:00.002-04:00

According to a recent report from the Pentagon, detainees released from Guantanamo Bay are either returning to their terrorist roots or are becoming terrorists.

REALLY? YOU DON'T SAY!

Gee whiz. I wonder why. Surely they could follow the behavioral example our own convicts have shown after being released from our maximum security facilities. Oh, wait. Do we even do that? Oh. Well it does happen. People get released from lesser secure facilities. They could follow that example, for sure. All those ex-cons who are released are so full of love with law enforcement and government. I am never surprised when I see another article on the net or in the newspaper where ex-cons have held bake sales in order to supplement the funding of their local enforcement. My wall is literally littered with clippings of ex-cons bringing pies and cupcakes they made to the local precinct or town hall. Rehabilitation through isolation, shower-rape, and joining a prison-run gang where you get to lift weights all day works miracles.

And that doesn't even begin to address the rehabilitation power of torture, starvation, and humiliation. Wow, I'm surprised these guys didn't just head out and build houses for Habitat For Humanity. What are they thinking?

And we all know taking up arms against the United States in your homeland automatically makes you a terrorist. Even if you're only terrorizing the troops with roadside bombs and rocket-propelled grenades.

Surely, they may strap bombs to themselves in the future and charge into K-mart, but until they do, lets refrain from using the melodrama, OK?

Religion And Paulitics, Part 2: WWJD?

2009-05-25T15:40:00.003-04:00

What would Jeff Do?

I once thought, if I were the great creator, and I created humanity, and humanity sinned, how would I reconcile the transgression?

Well, I am a creator. I am now. I wasn't before, but now I am.

I used to believe in the death penalty. I used to believe in war. I used to believe a soldier's death was acceptable. I used to believe that civilian casualties were just part of war. It just happens. They're just numbers, after all.

I used to believe that if people acted out of turn, badly enough, their life was forfeit.

As I got older, I started changing. Beliefs shifted. Values evolved.

And then I had a son.

And overnight everyone became someone's baby.

That soldier in the trenches is someone's baby. That child in the school where the terrorists are hiding is someone's baby. And most importantly, that man tied to the injection table is someone's baby.

This is not something I expect anyone to understand unless they've experienced it themselves.

When you've created life, that life is sacred.

I have created life. God has created life. My son doesn't do what I say. My son continues to do things that will get him killed. My son is very defiant. My son despises me at times.

Yet not once would I ever want to see him suffer. He is my son, in whom I am well pleased. He makes mistakes. He deviates from the path I would ask him to follow.

Yet not once would I ever want to see that smile disappear, or hear that laughter fade. There may be bad times, but there are also good times. And yes, even the bad times hold a special place in my heart. He and I both learn and grow together.

And I am no better than God.

I do not know better than God.

Yet I feel so strongly for my creation that I would die to see it live.

Is that the point?

Is that why God sacrificed his Son (or Himself) so our souls can be saved?

No. Because God was there, is there, and will always be there. As is his Son. A Sacrifice? No.

I don't feel this is necessary. God knows what I know. I was created in God's image. I am a creator. To me, my son is god.

I am no better than God. I'm sure God feels the same way for his creation. He loves us. He understands us. And we are Saved. Q.E.D.

Religion And Paulitics, Part 1

2009-05-25T14:39:00.005-04:00

I am presenting the first installment of a short series of posts entitled "Religion And Paulitics." These aren't rants per se. They are, for the most part, simple discussions concerning perceived contradictions and/or situations of faith that either make little sense or demand further discussion.

Since the first of these discussions will focus on the Christian faith, I feel it important to present to the reader that I am neither denying the divinity of Jesus Christ nor expressing any blasphemous intent. What I propose in these discussions will be presented in a mature manner intended to provoke serious discussion, if any discussion follows.

I am unaware of anyone using the term "Paulitics," and as such I trademark the term. :)

Paulitics will be discussed in a future post. For now, I want to discuss more of a core faith issue.

According to St. Paul in his letters in the New Testament, a person's soul is saved by faith alone. The faith necessary is faith in the fact that Jesus was sent to Earth to die for the sins of humankind in order to make the believer's soul spiritually clean and fit for entrance into heaven.

Jesus is considered by followers of the Christian faith to be the literal son of God.

God is believed to be an omnipotent, omnipresent, all-powerful, just, and forgiving god.

Yet, for an omnipotent, omnipresent, all-powerful, just, and forgiving god, God chooses to sacrifice the life of his own son to save the souls of the many.

My first question is:

Why would an all-powerful deity use such a solution? I understand the symbolism of sacrifice. It was important to the faith since the days of Cain and Abel. Abraham was asked the impossible to show his faith -- to sacrifice not just the best of his herd, but sacrifice the son God had given him. Job's family and livelihood were sacrificed, again as a testament to faith.

But why? Surely there are other ways. First of all, why is there a need for a sacrifice at all? If God is a forgiving god, why not simply forgive the transgressions of humanity as they are? Humans are not divine creatures, and as such have fault. They are a faulty creation. Why not just forgive that from the beginning?

Some will say this is where "just" comes in. God is a just god. He deals justice in a firm, fair manner. Therefore, if one asks for forgiveness, one will receive it.

But why? Humans were created by God. Humans were given free-will at creation. Free-will is a dangerous trait. Surely God would have known, especially since He knows the past, present, and future, that the creation of humanity was faulty before it was created. Wouldn't He simply forgive the creation from the get-go and not demand the creation ask for forgiveness for being as it was created? I am not saying humanity was created to sin. I'm saying humanity was created with the ability to sin. But why create something destined to fail and punish it for failing if you are loving and forgiving? Does it sound very loving to give your child dangerous weaponry, then execute your child for taking that weaponry and using it to destroy? No. I think if God is forgiving, God understands that humanity will sin. God knew humanity would sin against Him before it was created. I feel that there was no need for blood sacrifice. Anything else would be extortion.

Why create humanity to have free-will, then punish humanity for using it? Why punish the ones who do not believe? Would that be very forgiving?

Yet humanity is sinful. Humanity is imperfect. Humanity is destined for Hell unless it repents, and is Saved. Humanity is Saved through the death of Jesus Christ.

Even if one believed a sacrifice was necessary, how does the sacrifice of God's Son prove that God has tremendous love for me?

As a child this is what I was told. Because God loved me so much, he sacrificed his own child. Does this sound loving to you?

How many would be appalled by their lover, suitor, or friend who, in an act of love murdered their child for you, to show you how far he'd go to prove the fact to you?

Further, there are many who believe the holy trinity to be aspects of one being. God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the God the Spirit.

How many would be appalled by their lover, suitor, or friend who, in an act of love chopped off parts of their body, blinded themselves, or even went so far as to commit suicide for you, to show you how far he'd go to prove the fact to you?

The entire situation seems wicked to me.

I am not denying the divinity of Jesus Christ. All I want is for people to think:

Maybe we got it wrong?

What if Paul wasn't right? What if Paul actually contradicted the teachings of Jesus? What if Paul simply hijacked the faith of those he persecuted and twisted it into something blasphemous and obscene? Some say he did. We'll read about that soon enough.

Why would God allow someone like Paul to infiltrate His faith and spread lies throughout his holy work?

What would you expect of someone who demands you kill your beloved son as a testament of faith?

Something stinks, and it isn't my underwear.

A NEW CLASSIC

2009-04-26T22:50:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to vent quickly about something. There have been some advertisements for an album on TV and radio lately. The album is "Asleep in the Bread Isle" by Asher Roth. The advertisements call the album a classic. A classic? The release date of the album was originally April 20, 2009. Did anyone notice the date today? Released on the 20th. A classic. I think the geniuses in marketing have either forgotten or are totally redefining the definition of classic. Movie goers have known about this for ages. How many new classics will we see or hear about as time goes on? This kind of thing causes people's brains to misfire.

Sorry, just had to rant.

Idiots.

THE WAR OF THE -ISMS PART 1

2009-04-15T09:45:00.003-04:00

According to the Oxford English Dictionary -ism is defined as a suffix that forms nouns that

Denote an action or its result
Denote a system, principle, or ideological movement
Denote a basis for prejudice, discrimination, a peculiarity, or condition

For those who have been patient, I will now begin a discussion of the -isms.

I. Patriotism or Nationalism?

Patriotism is an act of being patriotic. Patriotic is an adjective, patriotism is a noun. According to Oxford, a patriot, a noun representing a person who shows patriotism, is "a person who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it." The word originates from the Latin patriota, meaning "countryman", and the Greek patris, meaning, "father."

Oxford defines Nationalism as "a patriotic feeling, often to an excessive degree." Further, it is "an advocacy of political independence for a particular country."

Patriotism and Nationalism are closely related and are often confused. From the definitions above, it is simple to see that all nationalists are patriots, but not all patriots are nationalists. The key above is in the definition of Nationalism, in particular the words an excessive degree.

What is "an excessive degree?" Since we're in the dictionary, let's check it. Excessive is an adjective that indicates what is more than is necessary, normal, or desirable.

What this indicates is that Nationalism is as the definitions indicate -- patriotism gone extreme.
Whether or not this evolution of patriotism into nationalism is good is a topic for debate. It, of course, depends on the behavior being scrutinized.

What are these behaviors?

Patriotism, as mentioned above, is vigorous support of one's country and a desire to defend it. How does one show vigorous support? What exactly does this mean?

Vigorous support of one's country is acceptance of the country's values and laws and the country's mission and place on the political world stage. Patriotic citizens will express this love of country using symbols and actions, for example, waving flags on independence days, volunteering for the army, and voting. In his book Laws and Social Norms, Eric Posner states that:

"Patriotic behavior can be a signal that one belongs to the good type. The reason is that typical patriotic behavior - volunteering for the army, joining rallies and parades, waving the flag, voting - does not satisfy preferences that most ordinary people have, as everyone recognizes. No one displays the American flag outside his or her house on July 4 for the sheer aesthetic joy of it. If one really thought that the flag was uniquely beautiful and enhanced the appearance of one's house, one would display the flag every day, not just on July 4. This is not to say that patriotic behavior is always a clear signal. In the past the army attracted adventurers and today it supplies valuable training. But when people join the army in a time of war, most expose themselves to costs that exceed whatever gains might be expected. Similarly, joining a parade might be fun independently of its patriotic meanings; but to join a parade during, say, the Vietnam War, or during Veteran's Day in the pouring rain, is not intrinsically enjoyable for most people. In this way, patriotic behavior is like gift-giving, where there is always some ambiguity whether the donor acts from altruism ( in which case the signal is costless and therefore meaningless) or from a desire to reveal type." [Eric Posner, Law and Social Norms, p. 113]

What this means is that patriotism is a range of behavior from something non-threatening (e.g. flag waving on a holiday) to something terminal (e.g. volunteering to die for your country). What truly defines the patriotic act is what these expressed actions are celebrating. For example, I think everyone in the United States of America would say that, as an ideal, the United States recognizes freedom for all of its citizens, a place where all world cultures can come together and make something greater (i.e. the synergy of the "great melting pot"), and is the representative leader on the world stage for freedom and peace.

This is what is working behind the scenes in the mind when one stands and recites the Pledge of Allegiance, places one's hand over one's heart and sings the National Anthem, launches fireworks on Independence Day, or places flowers on a loved-one's grave on Memorial Day. It is a love and acceptance of the nation's mission and world role (e.g. the last bastion of individual freedom), a desire to protect it for posterity, and respect for those who have sacrificed for the bounty of freedom which one has. This is patriotism.

For example, I can stand up and firmly say that I love the United States of America because I believe in the Bill of Rights. I believe for all to be truly free, they need a Bill of Rights. I am not a warmonger, and I hope to go my entire life without causing harm to another, but, in the face of invasion, I would kill for and am prepared to die for these Rights. This is patriotism.

Loving your country, supporting its secular values (helping and educating others need not be a spiritual value), and defending these values is patriotism.

Nationalist behavior, on the other hand, can be quite different. In the book Introduction To Political Psychology by Cottam, Dietz-Uhler, Mastors, and Preston, Chapter 8 discusses Nationalistic behavior and the causes of Nationalism.

In this chapter the authors discuss that social identity theory is an explanation for nationalism. In social identity theory, people have a desire to belong to groups for security and identity, and thus form outside groups, which in turn solidify the membership to the group to which they belong.

What this means is that people define themselves by a common trait or sets of common traits, and individuals who do not exhibit these traits are outsiders.

The authors in chapter 8 discuss of the behaviors of nationalists:

They are highly competitive with people and nations as a group, to the point of feeling superior.
They are committed to their nation as a group
They perceive themselves as better than their comparison groups
They are highly sensitive and will sacrifice themselves for their nation as a whole
They have very strong positive emotions for their nation and very strong negative emotions for out-groups
They, when times are good, associate their positive existence to their nation's ability, cause, or right
They, when times are bad, associate their negative existence with scapegoats, out-groups in their nation-state, blaming them for the miserable turn
They express a high desire for loyalty and obedience in the group, with tremendous pressure to conform

Further, the authors explain that "nationalistic behavior resembles crowd behavior, in that there is a low tolerance for differing views; oversimplification; diminished personal responsibility; a reluctance to consider alternate views, a readiness to act out; a sense of being endowed with unrivaled power, which makes people less critically minded; intensified emotional reactions; and feelings of persecution."

The dangers of nationalism are clear.

Nationalism, when contrary to the mission of the nation, is detrimental to the nation, and in insult to the patriotic system in which it is rooted.

So go out and wave the flag. Voice that you love the United States of America. Help the underprivileged. Fight for one's right to say something you disagree with. Hug a veteran. This is patriotism in the United States.

Forcing conformity by declaring someone not patriotic, stifling freedoms (speech, religion, or otherwise), blaming others for the nation's mistakes as a whole, and bringing outside groups or nations under the governance of your group or nation, for any reason other than helping that group or nation return to a former, steady state of its own, is nationalism. This is patriotism to the degree that it contradicts itself.

It is up to you to determine whether you think nationalism is a good thing. However, I think when nationalism progresses to the point of destroying its own patriotic foundation, it has gone too far. Case in point -- The USA Patriot Act.

Our nation is at its core the Bill of Rights. The constitution exists as a declaration of how our nation is to be governed, but our nation as a whole is defined by the Bill of Rights.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
No person shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district where in the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.
In suits of common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

There are a few other amendments to the U.S. Constitution that I feel should be added to the conceptual "Bill of Rights."

13th Amendment: Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for a crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.
14th Amendment: All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law, which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
15th Amendment: The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude.
19th Amendment: The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.
24th Amendment: The right of citizens of the United States to vote in any primary or other election for President or Vice President, for electors for President or Vice President, or for Senator or Representative in Congress, shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or any State by reason of failure to pay any poll tax or other tax.
26th Amendment: The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age.

I love these rights given me. I love my country. I am patriotic.

Following the tragic events of September 11th, 2001, patriotism became nationalism.

The USA Patriot Act was passed on October 26, 2001. This Act expands the ability of law enforcement to conduct secret searches, surveillance, access to medical, financial, mental, and student records, without warrants and with little oversight. American citizens may be investigated without warrants for "intelligence purposes." Non-citizens (not illegals) may be jailed on suspicion, and can be denied readmission to the United States for exercising their right to free speech. Suspects convicted of no crime may be detained indefinitely in six-month increments.

The sections of the Act in discussion are Sections 201 through 225.

The rights trashed by the patriot act? The first, fourth, fifth, sixth, eighth, and fourteenth.

There was a followup to the USA Patriot Act, called the USA Patriot Act 2, Son of Patriot, or the Domestic Security Enhancement Act of 2003. This act was denied until it was leaked, at which time Attorney General Ashcroft denied it was "in the works," yet stated it was desirable.

As far as I know. This act went nowhere. Fortunately. What scares me the most, however, is that it is what the government wanted, and lost, because they had their hand "caught in the cookie jar." The USA Patriot Act 2 was a frightening proposition. You can research it on the Internet or at your library and see for yourself.

Both of these acts are contradictory to the Bill of Rights. Is this patriotism? It was certainly advertised to the public as such. Truthfully, it wasn't. How could it have been? It was destroying the very foundation of United States society. Yet it was patriotic? Not in my opinion. It was an attempt to gain control by exploiting fear and a nationalistic sense of urgency.

REMEMBER

You cannot love and respect your country's freedom of speech by practicing censorship.
You cannot love and respect your country's freedom of religion by declaring a religious state.
You cannot love and respect your country's social integration by regulation of a national language and national values.
You cannot be patriotic to your nation by destroying your nation's founding principles.

PATRIOTISM AND NATIONALISM. Can you tell the difference? Which do you see when you turn on the TV or radio, or read the newspaper or Internet? To which do you agree? Why?

Benjamin Franklin once said that those who give up essential liberty to gain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. Later interpretation states it clearly:

Any society that would relinquish liberty in the pursuit of security will gain neither and lose both.

This is my point. Nationalism, while patriotism to an excessive degree, is harmful, and should be avoided.

References:

Cottam, Dietz-Uhler, Mastors, and Preston. Introduction to Political Psychology,. Lawrence Elrbaum Associates, Inc., 2004. ISBN 0-8058-3770-1.

Posner, Eric A. Law and Social Norms. President and Fellows of Harvard College, 2000. ISBN 0-674-00156-7.

HARK, HOW THE BELLS ARE TARNISHED!

2008-12-07T11:15:00.003-05:00

I wanted to spend a few minutes with a quick rant about the goings on on the West Coast these days. If you aren't familiar with what has happened there, someone in a fit of Christian zeal stole a sign that read, and I paraphrase, that you should be nice during the season for the sake of being nice, that there were no heaven or hell, no gods or devils, and that religion promoted closed minds and ignorance.

Fair enough. I might not agree with this sign, but in the United States of America, they have a right to post it.

The mainstream media, including the LIBERAL CNN, or as it is referred, put a massive spin campaign on this story. Headlines on their website read things like "atheist sign ripped from nativity scene" and "atheist sign taken from nativity scene found in Washington state." Please.

First of all, I'm not going to give you any links to this story. I'm not even going to quote the story. I'm simply going to bitch about it. Why? Because it's not the story that infuriated me. It's the attitude behind it.

But first let me get something out of the way. This sign was not taken from a nativity scene. It was taken from a holiday display, you know that sort of thing that is supposed to be a safe display for ALL beliefs, or lack thereof. The headlines should have read something like "atheist sign removed from holiday display." But those idiots at CNN, who do as many others, continue to promote the belief that atheists and homosexuals are out to destroy your very soul and want you to be infuriated. Therefore, they make the reader think that some handjob came along and plopped a sign down onto a private nativity scene, leaving it as an insult to all believers in Christianity.

It was not that way. The sign did not attack Christianity. It attacked all religions that believe in demons and angels, heaven and hell. Christianity does not have the monopoly here.

Back to attitude. First of all, I am not an atheist. However, the actions of many "christians" are beginning to force me that way. Whatever happened to lead by example? Again this nasty concept comes up. And whatever happened, as one CNN article had the guts to point out, to "THOU SHALT NOT STEAL?" Lost in the tarnish, I guess.

There seems to be this attitude out there that Atheists, Homosexuals, and abortion advocates are out to destroy your soul. They are like Al-Quaeda, existing in sleeper cells in our community, ready to bomb us into submission. Or perhaps that child pervert who lives in the perfectly manicured house who stares at your pre-teen daughter through the window as she walks home from school. They are in our schools, preaching something to our children that will lead them down the path to hell. Evolution, Homosexuality, Depravity, Abortion, Atheism. All heathens.

This is the United States of America, the land of opportunity, the land of the free, where you have freedom of religion, and more importantly, freedom FROM religion.

Yet some people think that if we have a majority of believers, hell with all the others, let's burn them at the stake because they don't believe what we believe. After all, it is a democracy, and majority rules.

No, not quite.

In this country we are supposed to protect and defend the rights of the minority. That is what makes this country great. And don't give me that crap about majority ruling in an election, because that's voting and politics. Respecting one's right to not believe in God and to place a sign up in a holiday display is cultural. And if you believe that culture is politics, then you follow nationalism, and you've got a bigger problem on your hands. You might as well throw a swastika on your arm and learn to goosestep. And please for the love of god learn the difference between nationalism and patriotism -- that's another post.

As for the homosexual/atheist/abortionist invasion, I think if these members of the right who spent all this time trying to stall the rights of, fight or take away the rights of, or even murder (through bombing of clinics) human beings, would spend more time in charity, at a food bank, building houses for habitat, giving out birth control, or just being damn sensible, this world would be a better place.

But I guess we should smack the cheek of our neighbor when he smacks us. Hell that's what Jesus said, is it not? I have a strong sense of deja vu here. No, it's not me being redundant. It's the simple fact that this idiocy keeps cropping up.

As for schools and society, are Christians so afraid that their beliefs are without merit to the degree that someone reading a book about a child having two mommies will lose their soul to Satan? This is a conversation I have often with my wife, who, as you know, is a card-carrying Atheist. I'm proud of her and her stand. She's the most Christian person I know, being nice simply because she wants to be nice and not because she thinks she should. I may not agree with her stand on the existence of God, but her soul, as innocent as it is, is blessed, in my opinion. But if it even were a question of tolerance, her soul is her own, and is therefore her responsibility. I can answer her questions of WHY I believe what I believe if she asks, but I will not force my beliefs on her, as I do not wish her to do to me. I can not save her soul for her. To be honest, I don't even know if she has a soul to save simply because she's the best one I know. You idiots out there who give me crap about how nice souls will go to hell anyway can just shut the hell up. I've seen too many of you who say the magic words and then step on the backs of the downtrodden. Yours are the souls who will burn. Not the pure ones. Is this just my twisted belief? Maybe. But I believe in a loving and forgiving God. Not one who stands at the door and lets anyone into the club who has a stamp, no matter where they were stamped.

I do, feel at times that I believe that the club's doors are locked forever. And no, it isn't her evil influence causing this. It's yours.

But back to the point. I have confidence in my son that as I show him how to live properly, how to be charitable, respect his neighbor's opinions, not to judge PREMATURELY, and just overall be a humanistic HUMAN BEING, that no matter what he is subjected to (e.g. drugs, unprotected sex, alcohol, tobacco, nationalism, porn, etc.), he will come out on top and safe. I'm not worried about any slippery slopes because I know that through seeing how I live my own life he will live his. So let him see people smoke. Let him know about drugs and sex and unwanted pregnancies. If I actually educate him about these things, he won't do them. If I stuff them into a closet, he will.

I won't waste my time on homosexuality, atheism, or signs that should have been left where they were. I'm not afraid. Are you?

OH LIFE, HOW BEAUTIFUL

2008-11-01T10:48:00.003-04:00

I thought you guys might like this picture. We took it back in the Summer. You can see it is a road sign located in Sollway, in Knox County, Tennessee, right before the bridge on Highway 62 into Oak Ridge. It was originally spotted by my wife and I went back later to take the picture. The picture is copyrighted and cannot be used without my permission. Enjoy how ironic life can be.

RANTS AND RELAXATION

2008-10-06T23:43:00.004-04:00

Well, my happy readers, I've been hiding in a cave for almost a year now, but it seems I need to stick my head out into the noonday sun once again, not because I've been destined to blow my top, but because I had a discussion with someone close to me recently who, surprisingly, told me he still checked my blog daily to see what I was going to write about. After one year, checking daily, I must admit I felt somewhat ashamed. So, with El Destructor in bed, I feel it my obligation to continue this rambling paragraph as best I can, and hopefully find something of note to utter somewhere in-between.

First things first. The past year has had its ups and downs. We're all still alive, we're all in relatively good health, the wife's job is going well, I'm trying to get work done on a novel, yada yada yippity doo and there that's done.

I recently took up drawing as well and have discovered I have quite a talent for it. Here are a few examples:

This is my picture titled "Sayi." I drew this from a picture of a lady's eyes that I had for some time. The eyes seemed to tell a story to me, and as I drew the eyes, I added the headwear. The picture, of course, means something to me, but what is most important is what it means to you.

I love pictures of dancers, and this was my first attempt at putting a dancer on paper. I wish I knew how to rotate the picture so that you can see it properly. Maybe one of the readers will be gracious enough to point out how to do that and I will fix it. As expected, both these pictures are my property, and as such fall under the copyright laws of the United States.

I have many more drawings completed and maybe someday I'll post some more.

I like to draw as much as I can. It seems to be a sort of meditative exercise for me, clearing away all the mental chatter and twisted emotions that can run rampant through my mind and body. It brings me a sense of calm, refreshes me, and gives me strength and will to return to the stress of daily life.

Stress, for example, caused when the reverend John Hagee decided to speak out against stay-at-home dads. That one really got to me, obviously. I kept the feelings inside, bottled up, until I could draw or write, and the emotions eased away, but I still had a desire to give that man a piece of my mind.

Mr. (and I say Mr. because whatever respect I would have had for this man as a minister is GONE) Hagee said: "...for others it's laziness. you are too lazy to work and support your children. I'm talking about men. You call yourself Mr. Mom, God calls you a Bum. St. Paul says you are worse than an infidel. Let me look you right in the eye and tell you that hell is your future home. If all you do is sit on your backside and let your wife support you in your life."

They had the verse of 1 Timothy 5:8 flashed on the screen, so i decided to look it up and see what it said.

From the Holy Bible, NIV, 1 Timothy, 5:8:

"You should provide for your relatives. Most of all, you should take care of your own family. If you don't, you have left the faith. You are worse than those who don't believe."

Yeah, sounds scary. But then I noticed that it didn't say a thing about working outside the home. It says "those who don't provide". To me, that's a dead-beat dad. That isn't a stay-at-home dad. Is there a difference? Well, I decided to write a little letter to John Hagee.

+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+

Captain Fatbody
Google Blogger
fatbody.blogspot.com

Mr. John Hagee
False Minister and False Prophet
Some Kooky Church
Some Kooky City and State
Regretfully, in the U.S.A.

Mr. Hagee:

I recently heard your description of a stay-at-home dad as being lazy, a bum in God's eyes, when I saw a clip of your wonderful evangelical program on the internet. I felt I needed to respond, despite the response falling on deaf ears, to these horrible allegations.

First of all, I feel you may have misrepresented the Bible verse. According to 1 Timothy 5:8 it is a man who does not provide for his family that is destined for hell, not a man who provides for his family by providing through work at home. Surely, we must have some confusion over the definition of provide , so I decided to help you out a bit.

While it is clear to me that one as experienced as yourself in the ways of marriage would find great understanding of the relationship between a husband and wife and their roles as providers in the household, I feel that perhaps your first wife could have given some pointers to you about some things that, just maybe, you didn't realize.

First of all, to say that a stay-at-home dad is a bum is to say a stay-at-home mom is a bum. Both perform the same actions, and to not respect the work of the former is to not respect the work of the latter. As implied by your discussion, a good mother is one who stays at home, so therefore, in your words, the work of all mothers is lazy, and all mothers are bums in the eyes of God. I'm sure the sudden absence of your first wife would have given you a slight indication of the error in your judgment, had you not been blinded by your own pride and self-righteousness.

It is obvious that you have no understanding of the work that a stay-at-home parent performs, whether it is a stay-at-home father or a stay-at-home mother.

A stay-at-home parent does not sit on his or her rear on the sofa all day eating cheesy-puffs and watching soaps in between loads of laundry. The work of a stay-at-home parent is not a 9 to 5 job. It is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job. When not sitting on the sofa eating cheesy-puffs, the stay-at-home parent is ensuring that your child is getting 3 or more nutritious meals per day; is helping him learn to read; is comforting her and taking care of her skinned knee; is taking him to the emergency room in the middle of the night when he has a 103 degree fever; is teaching her how to toilet train; is sitting up with him when he is sick, gladly shrugging off the vomit and excrement just so you can stroke his hair and help him feel better; is doing your dishes; is washing your clothes, is cleaning your toilet seat because you can't seem to not miss when you pee; is ironing your shirts, is taking your kids to school; is picking up your crap from the dry cleaner; is going to the grocery store and cooking your damn dinner and most importantly, is keeping his or her mouth shut when they listen to your misguided bitching about something that you know nothing about.

Who are you, sir, to demand of stay-at-home dads to repent from their ways and provide for their families? Only a drooling moron would not see the providing performed that I have mentioned, and, to use a cliche, that really is the tip of the iceberg.

And what of you, sir? What do you provide? Do you take all of your children to their baseball games? Do you have your picture made with them when they win first place on their debate teams? Did you build your daughter a dollhouse? Did you teach your older children to drive? Did you have an intelligent conversation with your children about how bad drugs can be? Did you even approach the topic of sex at all, or did you just hope it was covered in the child support check?

What kind of work do you do, sir? You stand behind a podium and bitch at people and make them afraid, so afraid that they give their blood, sweat, and tears to you in their tithes? Is that work? I know for a fact I could do that. Would you like to trade jobs with me? Trade your podium and narcissism for martyrdom and stinky poopie diapers?

If you'd ever really like to talk about this, as adults, my blog comments are always open.

Thank you very much and have a nice day.

Cap'n Fatbody

THE WHEEL GOES 'ROUND AND 'ROUND

2007-11-29T17:43:00.000-05:00

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts has introduced a petition by Kathleen Wolf, also known as House Bill 3922, into consideration. This bill would "prohibit the corporal punishment of children. Children, Families, and Persons with Disabilities."

It seems today that all of the conservative biased media is aflame with this House Bill, stating with defiance that, in the words of many on screen and in print, "government has NO RIGHT violating the sanctity of the home by telling parents how and when they can discipline their children."

First, a low blow. I guess government, in their eyes, has the right to violate the sanctity of the home if it involves a violation from "traditional" sexual practices. I'm not an advocate of homosexuality, bestiality, or anything else these hate-mongers would view as a perversion (although I find raw french toast in between my toes quite exciting), but I am quite taken by surprise by the intensity by which these handjobs have come forward saying "HEY BIG GOV'T GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO INSIDE THE WALLS OF MY OWN HOME, yet then again, if it involves cucumber dildos, charge in with the SS."

Ok, now that I've got that out of the way, let's discuss the bill. Actually, let's READ the bill. I know researching a Bill and actually reading what it is about, much like what you should do with a book before you burn it, is alien to most of you people, but it is a skill it would behoove you to learn, lest you look like an idiot. Alas, even that wouldn't help some of you. So, put down the torches and pitchforks and actually take a look instead of just listening to what your foolish friends have said and jumping on the bandwagon.

You may find the bill in its entirety at http://www.mass.gov/legis/bills/house/185/ht03/ht03922.htm, and since I know some of you are mouse-impaired, hell I'll even post the damn thing below.

==========

By Mr. Kaufman of Lexington (by request), petition (accompanied by bill, House, No. 3922) of Kathleen Wolf for legislation to prohibit the corporal punishment of children. Children, Families and Persons with Disabilities.

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
——————
PETITION OF:

Kathleen Wolf

——————
In the Year Two Thousand and Seven.
——————

AN ACT PROHIBITING CORPORAL PUNISHMENT OF CHILDREN.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives in General Court assembled, and by the authority of the same, as follows:

SECTION 1: Chapter 119 of the General Laws, as appearing in the 2004 Official Edition, is hereby amended by inserting after Section 51 B, a new Section 51 B 1/2 , as follows:

Section 51 B ½. CORPORAL PUNISHMENT OF CHILDREN IS PROHIBITED

Corporal Punishment of children violates their rights to safe, secure and respectful care.

This section is intended to actively support nonviolent parenting.

The provisions of this section are intended to eliminate the use of corporal punishment to discipline children, because of the emotional harm and risks of bodily harm associated with corporal punishment of children.

The provisions of this section shall not preclude any adult from using incidental or minor physical contact designed to maintain order and control, or other discipline which does not constitute corporal punishment.

(a) For the purposes of this section, the following words shall, unless the context indicates otherwise, have thefollowing meanings: - “Child”, any person under eighteen years of age. “Corporal punishment”, the willful infliction of physical pain or injurious or humiliating treatment.

(b) It shall be unlawful in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts for any adult to inflict corporal punishment upon a child.

(c) The infliction of corporal punishment on a child may be a basis for a finding of abuse and neglect.

(d) The provisions of this section shall not preclude any adult from using such reasonable force as is necessary to protect himself and others from imminent, serious, physical harm, including assault by a child, to divest a child of a dangerous instrument, to prevent injury to property, or to remove a child from a life-threatening or injurious situation.

=======

Ok. Now, if you people actually read that, you would see that the bill DOES NOT prohibit spanking. Did you miss it?

HERE LET ME HELP YOU

The provisions of this section shall not preclude any adult from using incidental or minor physical contact designed to maintain order and control, or other discipline which does not constitute corporal punishment.

Now, I don't mean to be rude, but I know most of you hate mongers out there can't see the forest for the trees, so here let me narrow it down a bit.

The provisions of this section shall not preclude any adult from using incidental or minor physical contact designed to maintain order and control, or other discipline which does not constitute corporal punishment.

Did you see it yet?

Here, last hint.

minor physical contact designed to maintain order and control

DID THAT HELP?

I wish someone would PLEASE do something to stop the stupid American Media - and yes, I'm pointing at you, FOX NEWS. I'm pointing at you, CNN. I'm pointing at you, ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC. I'm pointing at all of you - from PURPOSEFULLY stirring this trash up.

WAKE UP AMERICA.

THEY WANT RATINGS. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE TRUTH. This law is designed so we can prosecute or stop parents from behaviors not caught under the current definition of abuse. These could be "spanking your child with the belt so bad he bleeds, or with the buckle side" or "smacking your child in the face so badly you bloody her lip" or "strip your child of all his emotional barriers by humiliating him in front of his peers, say, by example making "fun" of him for being weak and a "fag sissy" while he is in front of his peers. Oh let's not forget about smacking your child with an open fist. Or calling your child an idiot, stupid, lazy, a fool, a detriment, or most importantly, calling her a regret, or by telling her to shut up, while she cries for a candy bar in the Mega-Mart check-out isle at 11pm when she should have been in bed.

Yanking your son out of the path of an oncoming car, taking your child aside for a quick swat to the rear with an open hand, or grounding your daughter for sneaking out at night so she can drink beer with the town's star quarterback are not prohibited by this law.

You might wonder where I get this information? How do I know this is the intent? Well..... they want the bill to pass, do they not? No bill that says a parent loses the right to discipline his or her child will ever pass.

[[ EDIT ]]

I've added these next couple comments because i'm not sure who had read this post by now or not.

First of all, when I said I did not advocate homosexuality, i wasn't meaning i thought homosexuality was wrong. I was stating that, to me, at this point in my life, I do not go publicly and campaign for the advancement or acceptance of homosexuality. If I see someone trashing it because they are being a stupid asshole, I'll surely let them know how foolish they are. But otherwise, I'm pretty much not involved.

Second, I wanted to add that I think this bill is really addressing those who spank out of anger. I know that corporal punishment may be defined in a manner of ways, including but not limited to any physical altercation with another being with the intent of altering or controlling that being's behavior, but I see a difference in spanking/punishing out of anger and doing so as just punishment. Spanking was an accepted norm in my house as a child, and I was spanked. My sister and brother would say that I wasn't spanked enough, but I would disagree :) . I also saw friends and extended family undergo spanking out of anger. I am lucky, because I never, to my knowledge, was struck out of anger. Shock, perhaps. But not anger. My relatives, unfortunately, whipped angrily, reacted differently to the punishment, and in many cases, were actually hurt by it. Hurt badly. The difference is obvious to me, and I am more than willing to go into more detail, if needed.

Experts? Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves

2007-09-11T10:18:00.001-04:00

Since our first baby reached teething age early my wife and I have been reading and absorbing as much teething literature as we possibly could. Our son now is eleven months old and has twelve teeth. I had read many forums where parents had stated that their babies, when teething their molars, would have intense pain and would wake up in the middle of the night. Flying in the face of all these parents, however, were the experts who repeatedly and consistently said that teething pain was not painful enough to wake a baby.

Not painful enough?

This is not a picture of our son having awakened at 4am with teething pain.

This is not a picture of our son having awakened at 4am with teething pain, doing whatever he can to rub his gums and make himself feel better.

This is not a picture of our son having awakened at 4am with teething pain, doing whatever he can to rub his gums and make himself feel better, clearly begging me to alleviate this pain in any way I know how.

Again, this is not a picture of our son having awakened at 4am with teething pain.

Am I a cruel father for taking a picture of my son at 4am when he had intense teething pain? Absolutely not. Am I a father who loves his son so much that he would take a picture of him simply to make a point, putting these experts in their place? You're damn right I am.

Experts. In today's world, everyone is a smart-ass know-it-all. In a world of experts, knowing everything is the norm and knowing nothing is special.

We live in a world of experts. where anyone can find an expert who will tell them whatever nickel and dime opinion they want to hear. Experts are standing on the auction block before us all, whoring themselves for top dollar to whoever will believe their nonsensical take on reality as they see it.

Experts argue convincingly daily opposing sides of court cases, obviously giving expert interpretation of evidence. Experts give people crackpot quack psychological advice to more people than the actual trained psychologists could ever hope to give. Experts tell us that one ounce of body fat makes us obese, eating a cheeseburger clogs our arteries, pills will help us lose weight faster than reasonable diet and simple exercise, spanking our children is bad, spanking our children is good, global warming is bad, global warming is good, X, Y, Z, A, E, I, O, U, and it never ends.

There may be reasons why some of these things may or may not be true. However, in the case of teething pain and awakening at night, when an expert tells me that it doesn't happen, I can defiantly say "you're just plain wrong." I guess I could hit him angrily with a crowbar, but experts tell me that acting on my anger is bad.

TERRORISM: RACISM BY PROXY?

2007-08-23T10:52:00.000-04:00

Brian Rokus on CNN.com has published an article on his news site that is spotlighting a part of an upcoming series entitled "God's Warriors". The expose will be hosted by Christiane Amanpour.

In this article (my apologies to CNN.com for linking their site), Mr. Rokus mentions Rehan Seyam, a Muslim who wore a traditional hijab (head scarf) to Wal-Mart while she did some badly needed shopping. It was the holiday season, and I'm guessing the store was quite crowded.

As stated by Mr. Rokus, Ms. Seyam reported that a man in the store singled her out and loudly sang the "12 days of Christmas" to her face, changing the lyrics to include taunts, insults, and references to Osama bin Laden.

According to Rokus, Ms. Seyam asked the gentleman "Do I look like a terrorist to you?" He is reported to have responded "What else does a terrorist look like?"

Excuse me, mr. wal-mart-shopper-who-knows-everything, but who is terrorizing whom here? Did Ms. Seyam come into the store and single you out and threaten you, or did you single her out and make her uncomfortable? Didn't you terrorize her? Was she a threat, or was this just an excuse for you to make a public display of your ignorance, prejudice, and hate?

What else does a terrorist look like? Oh, yes, that's right. Tim McVeigh and Terry Nichols put their turbans down, shaved their beards, and stayed away from the mosque, and that's why we missed them. Or has September 11, 2001 made you forget April 19th, 1995? Or is it because you are too uncomfortable to discuss the fact that homegrown terrorists are a threat to our way of life?

It is reported that there were 168 deaths and 800 injured on that day, including children. On September 11th, 2001, 19 terrorists, mostly Saudis, killed 2,794 people in New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania. 24 others were never located and are presumed dead today. It is estimated that there were 16,000 people around the base of the World Trade Center when it collapsed, and it is difficult to estimate how many were truly "injured".

But for Oklahoma city, two men killed 168 people. This may not seem like so much on the surface but realize that Tim McVeigh killed 168 people (Terry Nichols involvement with the attack is still, despite his conviction, in dispute--he did not "pull the lever" so to speak). Compare this to September 11th, where one terrorist killed 147 people (which I will admit is using simple math to compare number of terrorists and number of deaths and doesn't take into account locations and individual involvement) but I'm not saying Oklahoma was worse, just that it was as bad as what happened in 2001.

I remember the weeks following April 19th, 1995. I remember the concrete barriers that sprang up overnight. I remember the fears people had of going to work if they worked in a government facility. I remember the press conferences. I remember people being afraid. I remember the terrorism.

And I don't remember Islamic extremism being a part of it at all.

So the next time you ask an innocent Islamic woman in Wal-Mart, Mr. Rude Shopper, "what else does a terrorist look like?" You need to take a long hard look into a mirror.

Blood In The Mortar?

2007-08-04T14:51:00.000-04:00

Ok I’ve hidden in the rocks long enough. As you know there comes a time when I just can’t keep my mouth shut for my own good. The pressure has been building and now I need to open the floodgates or face a critical situation.

Enjoy being in my reticule, conspiracy theorists. I’m not out to get you. I was just looking your way when I pulled the trigger.

A good conspiracy theory is great for entertaining reading, or a good movie, or something good to wipe your butt with. And yes, sometimes, when the planets align, or more to the point when we complete one galactic trip through the zodiac, a conspiracy theory is right on target. But not right now, in this entry. I’m not going to talk about Lee Harvey Oswald, Marilyn Monroe, Haliburton, Zionism, or Bush’s involvement in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in the United States.

No, I’m gonna smack around those who believe Freemasons are out to rule the world.

I’m not going to explain what Freemasonry is, where it came from, who started it, or why. There are plenty of lodges around that would be more than willing to explain history to you.

What I’m going to do is knock down these stupid accusations against the Masons.

First of all let’s burn the trump card.

1) This quote is used as the conspiracy theorist’s (henceforth written as CT’s) “smoking gun” that Freemasonry lies to its initiates. This is a partial quote by General Albert Pike in his work Morals and Dogma in the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite, 1871:

“The Blue Degrees are but the outer court or portico of the Temple. Part of the symbols are displayed there to the Initiate, but he is intentionally misled by false interpretations. It is not intended that he shall understand them; but it is intended that he shall imagine he understands them. Their true explication is reserved for the Adepts, the Princes of Masonry.” (pp. 104, 105 & 819)

As with anything else a paranoid, ignorant, and most importantly JEALOUS person who is angry because he isn't a part of something greater than he would believe, this quote is taken widely out of context. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that when you have an organization that works for the betterment of humanity, especially on the frontlines against entire tyrannical governments, so decreed by the CT himself, that people who have a different opinion of these secret societies (i.e. patriots to a tyrant) would seek to compromise the integrity of the institution. Simply put, you don’t give the new bank teller the keys to the vault on his first day of work. That’s one reason.

Another would be to protect the secrets of the order against tyrants if the lower ranks are captured, tortured, or otherwise compromised. Again, it is the CTs themselves who state the Freemasons have worked for political change on a grand scale.

And yet another reason would be to protect the initiates themselves. With so many people waiting in the bushes to string up a Freemason, you might teach them things slightly apart from the truth until they can be taught to keep what they know secret. This is a no-brainer to me. People are less likely to terrorize an initiate if the initiate knows nothing or is known to know the wrong thing.

My final legitimate reason is simply that their existence tells a story. Not only is life a continuous learning experience, but also is one’s progression through an order. It takes time to “shape” a mind. Yes, I know this comment in itself is enough to drive a CT into adulterous heat, but it is what it is. You don’t benefit from AA overnight. You don’t get your PhD in one year. And you certainly don’t understand the intricacies of an order as an initiate.

Of course there could be another reason, since the order is secret and no one REALLY knows, just for fun. “Sure, Bob, let Sammy think the unfinished pyramid and All-Seeing Eye represent a New World Order. Perhaps when he gets to the 30th degree we’ll tell him that it really just means we think our leader is a big and fat eyeball cause he keeps staring at us and he weighs as much as a pyramid.”

Yes I’m being quite facetious on that last one, but I’m sure you get my point. No one who isn’t a part of the organization knows what the organization teaches. NO ONE.

2) There is an entire volume of misquotes related to the role of Lucifer in the teachings. When people don’t listen to the CT’s when the CT’s scream about the secrecy or the political meddling of the Masons, the CT’s throw out another card, trying to strike fear into the hearts of the ignorant common man. They pull the religion stringand ring a bell. MASONS WORSHIP THE DEVIL! They cry. They scream. They teach. LUCIFER IS SATAN!

Give me a break.

Lucifer is mentioned in writings, to be sure. And all this could be well fine and good if, in fact, Lucifer were Satan. But I hate to burst the bubble of the CT, as well as that of the common uneducated spiritual enthusiast, but Lucifer is not Satan. In today’s contemporary society, certainly, people view Lucifer to be Satan, but this is based in ignorance. Any true student of the Holy Bible will tell you Lucifer and Satan being one and the same is untrue.

Lucifer is “mentioned” in the Holy Bible in the book of Isaiah, chapter 14, verses 12 to 15. It states, as written in the King James Version:

12 How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! 13 For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: 14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. 15 Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.

This same passage, in the New International Version, reads:

12 How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations! 13 You said in your heart, "I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain. 14 I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High."

And the reader says, COME ON FATBODY. I KNOW THIS IS TALKING ABOUT THE DEVIL. ISN’T IT?

Actually, no. If you read the entire book of Isaiah, and read the context of this passage, you will find it is NOT talking about Satan, but is in fact discussing the arrogance of the King of Babylon, and is delivering a prophecy against him and his people.

Here is chapter 14, in its entirety, in both the King James and the New International versions. Kudos go to the Bible Gateway, an online concordance.

Isaiah 14 (NIV)
1 The LORD will have compassion on Jacob; once again he will choose Israel and will settle them in their own land. Aliens will join them and unite with the house of Jacob.
2 Nations will take them and bring them to their own place. And the house of Israel will possess the nations as menservants and maid servants in the LORD's land. They will make captives of their captors and rule over their oppressors.
3 On the day the LORD gives you relief from suffering and turmoil and cruel bondage,
4 you will take up this taunt against the king of Babylon: How the oppressor has come to an end! How his fury has ended!
5 The LORD has broken the rod of the wicked, the scepter of the rulers,
6 which in anger struck down peoples with unceasing blows, and in fury subdued nations with relentless aggression.
7 All the lands are at rest and at peace; they break into singing.
8 Even the pine trees and the cedars of Lebanon exult over you and say, "Now that you have been laid low, no woodsman comes to cut us down."
9 The grave below is all astir to meet you at your coming; it rouses the spirits of the departed to greet you—all those who were leaders in the world; it makes them rise from their thrones—all those who were kings over the nations.
10 They will all respond, they will say to you, "You also have become weak, as we are; you have become like us."
11 All your pomp has been brought down to the grave, along with the noise of your harps; maggots are spread out beneath you and worms cover you.
12 How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the earth, you who once laid low the nations!
13 You said in your heart, "I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain.
14 I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High."
15 But you are brought down to the grave, to the depths of the pit.
16 Those who see you stare at you, they ponder your fate: "Is this the man who shook the earth and made kingdoms tremble,
17 the man who made the world a desert, who overthrew its cities and would not let his captives go home?"
18 All the kings of the nations lie in state, each in his own tomb.
19 But you are cast out of your tomb like a rejected branch; you are covered with the slain, with those pierced by the sword, those who descend to the stones of the pit. Like a corpse trampled underfoot,
20 you will not join them in burial, for you have destroyed your land and killed your people. The offspring of the wicked will never be mentioned again.
21 Prepare a place to slaughter his sons for the sins of their forefathers; they are not to rise to inherit the land and cover the earth with their cities.
22 "I will rise up against them," declares the LORD Almighty. "I will cut off from Babylon her name and survivors, her offspring and descendants," declares the LORD.
23 "I will turn her into a place for owls and into swampland; I will sweep her with the broom of destruction," declares the LORD Almighty.

A Prophecy Against Assyria
24 The LORD Almighty has sworn, "Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand.
25 I will crush the Assyrian in my land; on my mountains I will trample him down. His yoke will be taken from my people, and his burden removed from their shoulders."
26 This is the plan determined for the whole world; this is the hand stretched out over all nations.
27 For the LORD Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?

A Prophecy Against the Philistines
28 This oracle came in the year King Ahaz died:
29 Do not rejoice, all you Philistines, that the rod that struck you is broken; from the root of that snake will spring up a viper, its fruit will be a darting, venomous serpent.
30 The poorest of the poor will find pasture, and the needy will lie down in safety. But your root I will destroy by famine; it will slay your survivors.
31 Wail, O gate! Howl, O city! Melt away, all you Philistines! A cloud of smoke comes from the north, and there is not a straggler in its ranks.
32 What answer shall be given to the envoys of that nation? "The LORD has established Zion, and in her his afflicted people will find refuge."

Isaiah 14 (King James)
1For the LORD will have mercy on Jacob, and will yet choose Israel, and set them in their own land: and the strangers shall be joined with them, and they shall cleave to the house of Jacob.
2And the people shall take them, and bring them to their place: and the house of Israel shall possess them in the land of the LORD for servants and handmaids: and they shall take them captives, whose captives they were; and they shall rule over their oppressors.
3And it shall come to pass in the day that the LORD shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear, and from the hard bondage wherein thou wast made to serve,
4That thou shalt take up this proverb against the king of Babylon, and say, How hath the oppressor ceased! the golden city ceased!
5The LORD hath broken the staff of the wicked, and the sceptre of the rulers.
6He who smote the people in wrath with a continual stroke, he that ruled the nations in anger, is persecuted, and none hindereth.
7The whole earth is at rest, and is quiet: they break forth into singing.
8Yea, the fir trees rejoice at thee, and the cedars of Lebanon, saying, Since thou art laid down, no feller is come up against us.
9Hell from beneath is moved for thee to meet thee at thy coming: it stirreth up the dead for thee, even all the chief ones of the earth; it hath raised up from their thrones all the kings of the nations.
10All they shall speak and say unto thee, Art thou also become weak as we? art thou become like unto us?
11Thy pomp is brought down to the grave, and the noise of thy viols: the worm is spread under thee, and the worms cover thee.
12How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
13For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north:
14I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.
15Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.
16They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms;
17That made the world as a wilderness, and destroyed the cities thereof; that opened not the house of his prisoners?
18All the kings of the nations, even all of them, lie in glory, every one in his own house.
19But thou art cast out of thy grave like an abominable branch, and as the raiment of those that are slain, thrust through with a sword, that go down to the stones of the pit; as a carcase trodden under feet.
20Thou shalt not be joined with them in burial, because thou hast destroyed thy land, and slain thy people: the seed of evildoers shall never be renowned.
21Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers; that they do not rise, nor possess the land, nor fill the face of the world with cities.
22For I will rise up against them, saith the LORD of hosts, and cut off from Babylon the name, and remnant, and son, and nephew, saith the LORD.
23I will also make it a possession for the bittern, and pools of water: and I will sweep it with the besom of destruction, saith the LORD of hosts.
24The LORD of hosts hath sworn, saying, Surely as I have thought, so shall it come to pass; and as I have purposed, so shall it stand:
25That I will break the Assyrian in my land, and upon my mountains tread him under foot: then shall his yoke depart from off them, and his burden depart from off their shoulders.
26This is the purpose that is purposed upon the whole earth: and this is the hand that is stretched out upon all the nations.
27For the LORD of hosts hath purposed, and who shall disannul it? and his hand is stretched out, and who shall turn it back?
28In the year that king Ahaz died was this burden.
29Rejoice not thou, whole Palestina, because the rod of him that smote thee is broken: for out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent.
30And the firstborn of the poor shall feed, and the needy shall lie down in safety: and I will kill thy root with famine, and he shall slay thy remnant.
31Howl, O gate; cry, O city; thou, whole Palestina, art dissolved: for there shall come from the north a smoke, and none shall be alone in his appointed times.
32What shall one then answer the messengers of the nation? That the LORD hath founded Zion, and the poor of his people shall trust in it.

Babylon at this time was the most powerful and dominant sovereign nation in the area. Babylon was aggressive. Babylon had conquered land after land, and Babylon was the subject of many persons' ire. This passage equates to a curse against Babylon for its sins against the Jewish people. The Babylonians believed themselves superior to everyone, walked on everyone, conquered everyone, and believed themselves gods of men. They thought they knew what was best for the world. They thought their word was truth. And their truth, ironically, was “the Way.” The Babylonians were, in effect, Isaiah’s Roman Empire.

The word Lucifer itself may fall under scrutiny. Truly, the usage of Lucifer in this passage is purely metaphorical, a device, understandably so, misunderstood by most of the Human population. Lucifer, here, is a symbol, and the description thus used is what was best to describe, as a symbol, the King and people of Babylon.

In Latin, “Lucifer” comes directly from “lucifera, luciferum”, defined as light-bearing, or light bringing. It is attributed to the morning star, the first star, and/or the brightest star.

Of course light bringing or light bearing can mean whatever you want it to mean, but in this case, it is similar to knowledge, or bringing knowledge. For example, think of all those cartoons where a character got an idea and suddenly a light bulb appeared over her head. It’s the same premise here, and is the same premise in Masonic thought. Do you see the light?

Lucifer delivering the light simply means gaining knowledge. It does not mean meeting Satan for tea and devoting your life to his evilness.

COME ON FATBODY. Are you saying all those times that Lucifer is mentioned in Masonic, Biblical, and other pre-Christian mystery that it meant only somebody got a bright idea?

Yes, actually I am.

COME ON FATBODY. What about Aleister Crowley, Anton LaVey, The Church of Satan, The Satanic Bible, and its use of Lucifer as Satan? What of the old poets?

First of all, these men were charlatans. I’m not saying the power of the mind should be disrespected. I’m saying these men were not satisified with their religion-du-jour and looked for something else. LaVey, for example, wrote the Satanic Bible, pulled from historical and popular contemporary sources and made his own religion. His work did not exist in the days of Isaiah. They, like Marilyn Manson today, needed a gimmick, and they found a good one.

The old poets? Hogwash. I think the most popular secular work concerning the rivalry between God and Satan is John Milton’s Paradise Lost. In his work Milton mentions Lucifer three times but mentions Satan over ten times. When Milton names the nemesis of God, he uses the term “Satan.” When Milton describes Satan’s position, or his relationship with God, he uses the term “Lucifer.” Again, it is a metaphor used to relate Satan’s status with God, that, Satan was God’s “best and brightest” angel, and God’s “right hand.” You can visit OnlineLiterature.Com and read and search Milton’s work and form your own opinion, but it seems obvious to me.

OKAY, FATBODY, WE GET THE POINT.

Ok ok. So, we see that the Lucifer-Masonic link isn’t as strong as the CT would like you to believe. But what else do the CT’s claim?

3) Freemasons, namely Gerald B Gardner, C. W. Leadbeater, Wynn Westcott, et.al support black magic, voodoo, wicca, satanic sacrifice, hedonistic sex magic, etc.

All I can say is these men are dead, they can’t answer these accusations even if they had an inkling of desire to do so, and we should not judge the movement for what they what have believed in, may it have been bad, abnormal, or different. All I’m saying is, given the fact that these men did in fact practice disturbing evil rituals or other acts, and if these were contrary to popular substance and obscene in their own right, that we shouldn’t let a few “bad apples” or “kooks” smear an entire organization. I’m sure the Christian majority, after dealing with their own problems, for example Jim Jones, The People’s Temple, and Jonestown, will understand this.

4) Freemasons want to create a New World Order of Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, Separation of Church and State, and Religious Tolerance.

Ooooooook. Yeah, I guess those are bad. Guilty as charged. I guess I'm an idiot for wanting that too. Maybe I seek to destroy the world. This was from their description from Wikipedia and I absolutely could not resist quoting it. Click here to see the entire article.

5) The National Seals of the United States of America, the dollar bill, and the streetplan of Washington DC “prove” the Freemasons have “created” (and sometimes, in contradiction, “taken over”) the American government.

These are funny. Let’s sort them out. Fortunately for us both the obverse and the reverse of the great seal are on the reverse of the dollar bill.

THE GREAT SEAL AND THE DOLLAR BILL

On the reverse of the dollar bill you will find both sides of the Great Seal of the United States of America. First is the unfinished pyramid, the great All-Seeing Eye, and the words “annuit coeptis” and “novus ordo seclorum,” which mean “favoring” and “new world order” respectively. The other is the bald eagle bearing arrows and an olive branch.

REVERSE SEAL
I know the words “new world order” scare the hell out of fundamentalists, but let’s just explain this here. When the United States was created it was, for all purposes, A NEW WORLD ORDER. It was a new type of government, one which had been documented, perhaps tried, but never followed. The way Americans would do things would be truly new. No monarchs. No aristocracy. No oligarchy. Rule by the people and for the people. Too bad it didn’t stay that way. And if it still scares you, you know when Jesus brought the truth and the way to the masses, he brought a new world order. Think about that.

Back to the point, the words Annuit Coeptis are placed above the All-Seeing Eye, otherwise known as the “Eye of Providence”, for a reason. Novus Ordo Seclorum was beneath the pyramid as well. The pyramids of Egypt stood the test of time. So too would this new order that the founders had created, they hoped. And it was not finished. They had only begun to build this great order, thus, the pyramid is unfinished. This was their way of saying “fortune has favored the creation of the new world order, or our great nation of the United States of America.” These symbols were so popular at the time that you could almost view them as contemporary freeware clip-art. There are no hidden messages here.

Another pertaining to the seal is that if you draw a Star of David on the “Annuit Coeptis” seal, using the eye as the top of the star and the bottom of the pyramid as the star’s base, that where the star touches letters you will find the word MASON. I guess this links Masons to Jews.

I think the CT would be better off using a five-pointed star (pentagram) here. You can still get the letters that would spell MASON if you turn it just right, and the pentagram is generally viewed as an evil symbol by contemporary Christian society and would solidify the link to Masons being Satanic. Oh well. Can’t blame them for trying.

Personally I think the letters spell “MOANS,” because this is exactly what I do every time I hear that this is a hidden message or anagram in the Great Seal of the United States of America.

What I wish someone would explain is why the background of the dollar bill is spider webs, and why there is a tiny near-microscopic spider walking along the top-left side of the bracketed 1 on the top right side of the front of the dollar? Is it because the money was green, grass is green, and you find spiders in the grass? You got me.

OBVERSE SEAL
Here we have a bald eagle, wings outstretched. Over its chest is a shield with a blue field and thirteen stripes. Above the eagle’s head are thirteen stars in the shape of a six-pointed Star of David (which may be a key to use the same pattern to find the word MOANS on the reverse seal). The eagle holds in its talons arrows and an olive branch.

The eagle is the official symbol of the United States of America. There are thirteen stripes on the shield because there are thirteen colonies that formed the great nation. There are thirteen stars in the star above the eagle’s head, again, because there are thirteen colonies. The words E Pluribus Unum adorn the eagle on a ribbon. E Pluribus Unum means “out of many, one.” This is again a reference to the thirteen colonies.

Many CT’s say the number thirteen comes up again and again as a reference to Friday the 13th, the day the Knights Templar died. They say this because they link the Freemasons to the Knights Templar. I’m sorry, but this is just too far out there. THERE WERE 13 COLONIES YOU MORONS. Or did the masons orchestrate that too?

Truth be told the great seal is full of both Masonic and non-Masonic symbols. Like I said before, these symbols were their clip-art of the day. Benjamin Franklin was the only “proven” Mason to be on the Great Seal Committee, and all his recommendations were rejected. He even wanted the turkey instead of the eagle. That would have been attractive.

STREETPLAN OF DC
If you draw your lines just right, you can link major monuments in Washington DC with a large pentagram, and find the compass and square.

Okay. You can also link them with crosses, and I don’t think the CT’s would say this meant the designer was a Christian and prophesizing the coming of the New Jerusalem. But I guess this follows the rationale that if you believe it enough you’ll see it. Well of course you will.

All I can say is so what. If the symbolism is there, so freaking what. Pierre L’Enfant was a Freemason, it is believed. He would have put the symbols there subconsciously if not consciously. Just because they are there doesn’t mean DC is the seat of Freemasonry, or beyond that, even the site of evil. Look at all the Christian symbolism in Vatican City. Does God live there with the Pope? Aside from God being everywhere, I think not.

4) Depending on what math you use, how you do it, no matter how you do it, you get 13 this and 13 that.

This is the only way I could bring this one up. Idiots absolutely LOVE playing with mathematics. I think it’s like a baby holding a cell-phone, awestruck by the blinking lights and having no idea what it’s for or how it works. These people love trying to persuade using math. For example, they say there are X number of windows on Y sides of a building that is Z feet around the base. And if you bring in N number of buildings constructed by that architect and I where I is the number of potatoes he ate M days ago, and you divide by O his age, then take the standard derivative of the integral as it approaches how many times he farted on Tuesday, you get 13, the holy number of masons.

Math isn’t a toy. You shouldn’t play with it like that or you just might hurt yourself.

CONCLUSION

What this all boils down to is anytime you have a group of individuals who practice in secret, whether it’s Christians in the time of the Roman Empire, or Libertarians in the time of tyranny, people talk about them because they don’t understand them. Whenever a child went missing in the day of Nero Caesar everyone pointed first to the Christians because they were mysterious and didn’t practice their religion in public. Today, the World Trade Center collapses and we point fingers at Freemasons and Jews instead of where it truly belongs: at ourselves. I know that’s a pretty hefty statement and I don't expect everyone to agree with it, but I do ask you to spend a little while thinking about what it means. We don’t exist in a vacuum. There was a little trick we used in debate--if you can find three to five good examples that support my argument, even if you disagree with it, at least you understand it, and understand your own point even better. I challenge the reader to do that, if he/she disagrees. Conspiracy theorists never seem to do this.

The CT’s seem to punctuate their articles by talking about how they’ve been threatened by masons. Like I believe that. However, to further my constant quest of indulgence, let me give you a real threat, and I’m not even a Freemason:

To all the half-wit keyboard-jockey wanna-be-special investigators out there, what makes you think that an organization as secretive, as all-encompassing, as malicious, controlling, powerful, dominant, and sovereign as you would have the Freemasons believed to be, would bat an eye about making someone who clearly wouldn’t be missed disappear from the face of the Earth? Entire kingdoms have fallen at the whim of Masons, and you think they’d waste time “threatening” you? You need to think about that, as does everyone who reads your insane drivel.

Being tagged

2007-07-23T13:59:00.000-04:00

Ok i admit, i think i got carried away. When my tag post broke 22 pages, I realized that I think I had begun to write my memoirs instead of play a simple game. For that reason, I'm going to hold off on the life story and just post a few things about myself that you may or may not know. If anyone is interested in the memoirs, well, I guess I could keep working on that and post it too.

First things first. I’m supposed to post some rules.

• I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
• Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
• People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
• At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

¬So here’s my facts:

1) I hate alpha-males and alpha-females
2) I hate blind-compliance and closed minds
3) I hate liars, cheats, and wolves in sheep’s clothing
4) I hate smokescreens and mindgames
5) I hate forced conformity
6) I hate stupid people
7) I hate being sick, which happens to me way too often
8) I hate hating.

Things I like

I love hearing my wife sing or play music
I love a good walk at sunset
I love meditation by a creekbed
I love making my son laugh
I love keeping a promise
I love to drive
I love watching snow fall at night
I love slapstick comedy

I hope this is good enough. If not, oh well. I hope you like bratwurst.

Tagged

2007-07-12T08:32:00.000-04:00

I have evidently been tagged. This will be a long post for me. Please bear with me while i write it, those of you who tagged me. It should be up eventually.

:P

Paris, Revisited

2007-06-24T11:02:00.000-04:00

I wanted to add to a comment made on the previous post, but thought it made a great subject for a new topic, so here it is.

"I certainly don't want to be seen as defending Paris Hilton, but while she is incarcerated, droves of non-celebrity inmates will be released do to overcrowding. Also, I have it on good authority from a former CA prosecutor that it is routine to allow inmates to pay for their stay in a swankier facility, an option which Paris was denied. Is Paris a whining, spoiled, talentless brat? Absolutely. Is she being treated fairly? Of that I can't be so sure."

First of all, droves of non-celebrity inmates are being released from prisons due to overcrowding, which is true, but is, as stated, due to overcrowding. They are not released simply because they don't want to be there, or don't like the accomodations. The justice system shouldn't give a damn if you, as in Paris' own words, "I'm claustrophobic, and my cell is really small...I was going a little bit crazy in the beginning. I'm getting used to it now."

Being released because there simply isn't room for you is a bit different than being released because you don't have your bedroom that is most likely the size of an average person's home. We need to keep this in mind.

And the second point, that it is routine for inmates to pay for their stay in better facilities--a right which Paris' was denied--is unfair treatment is the meat of my post. Whether or not the law guarantees this to other persons of means is what I hold in question. Surely, she may be treated unfairly when considering others with means can avoid their sentences, but this is not what is truly unfair. The existence of those with means to even pay for this change of housing is what is unfair. I have no pity for someone being treated unfairly by an unfair provision that is unfair to the remaining 98% of the population.

First of all, I have great respect for California in many ways. I love the town of San Francisco. I love the respect that more liberal ideas have there. But as extreme conservative ideas have a home in the southeastern United States, so too do extreme liberal views infest the state of California. And just as you will find it almost taboo to not hate gays, blacks, athiests, women, or democrats in the southeast, it is almost in some places just as horrific in California to believe that people who don't recycle should not be put to death, that people who don't have tree sanctuaries on their properties aren't heathens, or that people who drive cars that get a little less gas mileage then the prius actually might not wish armageddon onto all wildlife preserves. I will be the first to come out and say that I do not know if this law allowing persons with means to pay for better incarceration is held in other states. I don't know if this is primarily a California law or if is the same in Alabama or Connecticut, but I will say that it is not her being denied this right which is unfair, but this right as a whole, no matter what state holds it as law, which is unfair to the remaining 98% of the population.

Unfair laws exist on the books in every state. It takes hard work to abolish that which the majority thinks is right but is unfair, such as Jim Crow, Poll Taxes, rights against interracial marriage, and selling beer on Sundays. We still have a long way to go, particularly in the direction of marriage equality, abortion, antiprivatization and antiglobalization, and clearly, putting the belief in a caste system to pasture for all time.

Certainly a right to pay to be incarcerated at a more pleasant facility is not the same as paying for someone to serve your mandatory military service in your place on its surface, but at its root, these beliefs are based on the same concept, which is those with means are better than those without.

That is, of course, unless the fee to choose a different facility were based on a percentage of your net worth, instead of a ridiculous amount that any poor black man caught speeding in a white neighborhood could ever hope to pay. And we know this is not the case. If it were, the 63% of our prisoners which are Black and Hispanic would be in other facilities. For the record, Hispanic is not treated as White. Click here for 2000 census data. Lots of fun data there. Hell, if they even could pay for this treatment, then maybe, just maybe, others wouldn't be released due to overcrowding.

It is clear to me that the excessively weathly think they are a better breed than everyone else by thinking they have the right to pay for better prison treatment than the average person gets. What disgusts me is the average person simply accepts this. It's easy to be apathetic, but it is even more obvious in cases where, for example, Paris Hilton's family came to visit her at her prison, push their way through the line of people waiting for hours to see their own incarcerated friends and family, enter the cafeteria area, force it to be evacuated, a procedure I might add set into place by the facility for when high-profile families or visitors show up to see their criminal kin, thereby proving to everyone with eyes and ears that not only do they know they have more rights than you but also the system agrees because they have procedures in place to make the celebrity visitors' experience more pleasant.

To be honest, I'm not against Paris Hilton because I have any grudge against her. I don't hate her, and I don't think any less of her for partying, being loose in the knees or for making a sex tape even. I wouldn't mind if she made another one. We all know that being angry at her for that is the age-old double standard of sexual deviance knocking at our doors again. As far as I'm concerned she is the product of a system that deifies the wealthy. It is tragic for her, in this, I presume, and for that she has my sympathy. Personally, I hope she can grow up and overcome this brainwashing that fame has given her. In the meantime I will continue to take on Hollywood and the religion of Celebrianity, because our ancestors fought a war in 1776 so we could live out from under the thumb of a king and aristocracy, and I have no wish to have to see that conflict waged again in that manner.

By the way, I trademark the term "celebrianity." :P

A Little Sun On The Horizon

2007-06-09T10:11:00.000-04:00

Ok so some of my faith in the justice system is restored. Paris Hilton was basically dragged crying and screaming back to jail to serve her sentence. Seems the judge got some confidence and ordered her back, saying he did at no time indicate she could be allowed to be returned home, and that the sheriff who released her was out of line. Oh well, I can't be mad at that, and I won't point fingers at who is responsible for the fiasco. I'm just glad she's going back to jail. And stop whining. My goodness, Paris, it's only 45 days, and probably in the county jail. Sure it isn't as posh a place as you're used to, but please, stop acting like it's San Quentin. I would say think of it like you were grounded, but then I think you have no idea what that's like either.

In the end, Paris, if you survive your own self-centered stubborness, this is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you. Maybe you'll grow up a bit.

PARIS DIDN'T LIKE THE HILTON

2007-06-07T10:53:00.001-04:00

Oh well Paris Hilton is out of jail five days after she went in. Seems she wasn't eating much of the food this penitentiary was serving her and was released to house arrest for medical reasons. HEAR THAT CONS? All it means is you just need to be a little stubborn and spoiled brat and you just might get out of the joint for "medical reasons." God forbid all you guys and gals in the pen throw ignorant hunger strikes because you don't like your accomodations. Oh yeah, it helps to be a billionaire heiress who is loose in the knees too, I guess.

I thought the American Justice System was better than this.

TRUTHS AND HALF TRUTHS, AND SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE MY HEAD EXPLODED

2007-05-29T13:34:00.000-04:00

Here you go people. Read up. You owe it to yourselves.

http://environment.newscientist.com/channel/earth/dn11462

Whiney-Ass Americans

2007-05-25T18:34:00.002-04:00

I think my blood pressure has gone up again and this time it is because of people out and about as we approach Memorial Day complaining about the rising cost of gasoline. Listen, people, please, take my advice -- Shut the hell up! At least shut up, or start using that energy for solving the real issues here.

What got me going was a quote I read on CNN in their article Fed Up Station Owner Shuts Off Gas Pumps that can be found here . In this article Maria McClory stated that she drove over 100 miles a day for work in her SUV. This one got me going. The kicker occured later when John Schwartz indicated that he could not "fill up his SUV at that price" (previously stated at $3.49/gallon). He later indicated, per the article, that "...if it keeps going like this, my kids will never be able to drive."

Give me a damn break. As a citizen of the United States of America, it sickens me when my fellow citizens gripe, bitch, whine, and complain when they are forced to step up to do something that the rest of the world has been doing for quite some time. This sense of entitlement that many Americans have is ridiculous. And don't give me that "we're entitled to it because our soldiers pay in blood when no one else fights" B.S., because I will smack you down with the unnecessary-war bat so hard you'll go running to mommy crying for bandaids and a lollipop.

The rising cost of gasoline is NOT the problem -- it is the MILEAGE we get. What we pay for gas is still not what the rest of the world pays for its gas. If you don't believe me, go drive around Europe for a while. When you realize you are paying four and a half bucks a gallon for gas, then you'll understand.

But four and a half bucks a gallon isn't bad if you can get 40 or more miles on it, right? Maybe 50? But Fatbody, we can't have these cars. Fatbody, our government and our president and our car manufacturers are telling us that they are working diligently to solve this for us. Fatbody, if we are lucky, we may see cars on our roads that get 40 mpg in ten years. Unless we buy hybrids, or hydrogen cars.

STOP BEING AN IDIOT! The technology for better gas mileage exists. If you don't believe me, check out the New Ford Mondeo, manufactured by (yes you guessed it) the American Motor Company we know as FORD. This is one company we have that says they are FRANTICALLY WORKING TO IMPROVE YOUR GAS MILEAGE ABOVE 25mpg. This is one company that George W. Bush is pushing to "develop new technology" so that we can have cars with higher gas mileage on our roads sometime in the future. The Ford Mondeo 2.0TDCi LX (115ps) 5d, on sale in Europe TODAY, gets 50 miles per gallon! 50! FIF-TY! Why the hell can't I buy this car in the United States? It's made by FORD for goodness sake! Want to see more cars? Click here . What you will see is a list of all cars sold in Great Britain and their results on governmental mileage tests. If you want more mpg, go to diesel, but for now, I'm arguing petrol (gasoline).

One thing to note is that their gallons are 8 pints of 20 fluid ounces each, ours are 8 pints of 16 fluid ounces each. This is a 20% difference, which takes the 50mpg down to 40mpg. Hell America, I'd SETTLE FOR FORTY MPG. And if the fact that they are selling these cars in Europe without giving the United States consumer the option to purchase doesn't piss you off, listen to this.

If you want a better comparison, Ford sells the Focus in both the United States and in Great Britain. According to the U.S. Government Fuel Economy information database the 2007 Ford Focus 2.0L 4-cyl. 5 Speed Manual gets 27mpg (New EPA) 31mpg (old EPA). In Great Britain, according to their standards the most similar Focus, the Ford Focus C-Max 2.0 Duratec 2.0L 5 Speed Manual Petrol (gas) engine gets a whopping 38.7mpg. With the above fluid ounce conversion that meets the above old EPA of 31 mpg, which was amended to be 27mpg because it was deemed innacurate. These are combined numbers that bring up problems in their calculations, relative to the standards of the country computing the statistic. So let's compare highway mileages. Not highway and city mile averages. The U.S. Gov't states the Focus gets 33mpg highway, and in Great Britain, the Duratec gets 50mpg. Did I say that right? You're damn right I did. FIFTY miles per gallon. FIFTY POINT FOUR (50.4) to be exact. And again, after the fluid ounce conversion, that's approximately 40mpg!

Didn't I say something about selling myself on a street corner for forty mpg?

If you feel you are entitled, Americans, then drop your cheetos and get your butts off your couches and pitch a tent on you congressman's lawn and GET THESE CARS INTO THE UNITED STATES.

GM produced twenty five years ago the car known as the GM TPC. It got 75 miles per gallon! And believe it or not, this same company produced the GM Lean Machine in 1982 that reached 80 miles per gallon! And beyond that, the GM Aero series and GM Ultralite in 1992 are proven to reach 100 miles per gallon!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Do you get this? In 1992, GM could manufacture a car that achieved 100mpg, but continued to sell cars to the public that only achieved 20mpg.

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Why can't we work forward from what we already know and increase our fuel efficiency, instead of continuing to undermine our populace by telling us we can't do what we've already done?

WHY?

WHY? WHY? WHY?

WHERE IS MY 50 MPG CAR? I'm entitled to it, after all.

The Pro-Life Conundrum

2007-04-26T12:13:00.000-04:00

Every day that passes seems to bring with it a battle between pro-lifers (usually conservatives) and pro-abortionists (usually liberals) about what rights a woman has over a fetus and how far she can go to terminate a pregnancy. This issue seems to be one of the most prevalent issues among Christians today, and the moral majority has waged war against this right since Roe Vs. Wade was won.

Maybe it's because I try so hard to hover around the middle, or maybe it's just because I'm an arrogant asshat, but I think I see this issue with a broader perspective than most pundits give justice.

What I mean is this issue goes FAR beyond declaring whether or not a fetus is human life.

Life is life, regardless of how you view it. Whether that life is incapable of experiencing happiness, joy, or reality is up for interpretation. But the fact remains, life is life. And if you value life, you should value it in all respects.

Life is a blessing, whether it is given from a Creator, or the miraculous result of evolution, and/or [ACK] intelligent design.

Now either you view life as I have indicated, that it is something to be preserved, or you don't. That's your choice. People, however, need to stop cherry-picking the issue to further their agendas.

If I were to believe that a human blastocyst, no matter its age, is human life and should be protected, no matter the cost, what am I valuing? Am I honoring cells that will potentially develop into a human given good conditions, or am I honoring the fact that life was created? If I am thinking abortion should be illegal, what am I really thinking? Is it that the tiny fertilized egg is taking the shape of an innocent baby in my mind? Or does that mess of quickly dividing cells have a soul?

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But again, this is your choice, and you are entitled to it.

What bothers me is the belief that somehow, for some reason, when an adult commits a heinous act, his life is forfeit.

What bothers me is somehow, for some reason, a mess of cells no bigger than the head of a pin should be revered, but yet somehow, for some reason, a thinking human being with (hopefully) developed social skills who can be helped or rehabilitated or somehow given some other use is hanged, gassed, electrocuted, shot, put to sleep, or destroyed in a myriad of ways.

I don't see how someone can be against abortion and simultaneously be for the death penalty.

Life is life, regardless of how you view it.

Personally, I am against abortion. I do however believe it should be used in certain medical scenarios, e.g. when the life of the mother is proven to be in danger, and the fetus will or will not survive the birth in this case as it stands. I make this consideration because I, as a believer in Life, believe it to be protected, yet I, understanding that I have a right and need to defend my family with deadly force, which is perfectly legal in most states, draw a parallel to the case of a mother in danger, wherein a fetus would be aborted in defense of her life.

Because I am against abortion I also am personally against the death penalty, in all its forms, principally because when one is put to death it is in a controlled situation, where no person's body is in direct danger. I respect the death penalty due to its legality, yet I do not support it.

I understand that states have control over the death penalty, and I understand that many of these states have abolished the practice. However, as long as I have a right to kill someone in defense of myself or my family, I believe a mother has the right to kill her fetus if her health is in danger, or better put, in defense of her life and health.

Abortion used simply as a method of birth control is, in my strongest opinion, a grave sin, and should be outlawed, no matter the age of the developing baby. I am arguing the legitimate uses of abortion, the baby's health notwithstanding, in cases where the mother's health is in danger.

Life is life, regardless of how you view it.

If a developing fetus is so important, then for God's sake a thinking human being should be just as important. If a developing fetus is so important, then for God's sake lets do what we can to help the mother after the baby is born, instead of forgetting her. If a developing fetus is so important, then for God's sake please can we stop killing people in our prisions and hospitals simply because we have judged them and their lives as useless to us.

Mixed Up And Desperate

2007-04-26T09:58:00.000-04:00

I have just a quick gripe here. Let me set the situation for you. There is controversy in Texas going on right now, and it centers around whether a hospital is doing the ethical thing in seeking removing a 17 month old child with a terminal illness from a ventilator.

I am not going to argue whether it is right or wrong to do so. I'm not going to even argue the facts of the case, beyond state the child has Leigh's disease, a rare disorder with no cure that results in death. The child can't see, speak, eat, or breathe on his own.

The hospital says he is in excruciating pain and wants to remove him from the ventilator. The mother says he is not in pain, smiles when he "looks" at her, and wants to keep him on the ventilator.

I am not going to argue for either of these points. What burns me up is the mother said she was fighting to keep her son on the ventilator so he will die (and I quote directly) "naturally, the way God intended."

I understand one may say strange things or believe the unbelievable when placed under duress, especially the fear, pain, and grief caused when one's child is in the hospital (I know this from personal experience, unfortunately). However, I think stating that keeping your child on a ventilator so he can die as God intended is over the line.

Take the kid off the ventilator. Let him die with dignity, AS GOD INTENDED. Let his soul go home. Keeping him here is selfish. The ventilator is keeping the child alive. The doctors say he would die in a matter of hours once it is removed. This is the NATURAL way.

There is nothing natural about a clicking and beeping machine prolonging the inevitable. I feel sorry for the mother and respect the pain that she feels, but I believe the real problem here is her inability to let go and to give her son back to God.

So she makes excuses.

And selfishly on my part, I have to pay for it.
And truthfully I wouldn't mind doing so, if she wanted to keep the boy alive for other reasons.

I AIN'T 'FRAID O' NO GHOST!

2007-04-21T02:00:00.000-04:00

Give me a break. It seems to me that the renaissance of new age mumbo jumbo bullshit is in high swing. When our TV is on it is usually on comedy central (our most dependable channel for cable news), yet sometimes when everyone is in bed i decide to brave the thick of idiocy on the other channels. At least comedy central is supposed to be funny. I mean there are some things on the producers of which believe to be taken seriously, and if these shows didn't anger me as much as they did, I'd nominate them for the best-new-comedy-show academy award.

For example I think every channel on basic (non-hbo/skinemax/showtime cable) has some sort of stupid show or other about searching for ghosts. It seems to be some past-time for most people, I guess, to somehow form links with long dead people in order to:

a) prove to themselves there is an afterlife,
b) prove to themselves there is an afterlife that is different from what is accepted by convential, dominant spirituality,
c) prove to themselves there is an afterlife that is different from what is accepted by conventional, dominant spirituality so that they can feel better about themselves after being excommunicated by church, friends, and family for being a stupid moron.

And there is so much proof out there that you'd be an idiot not to believe the way they do. I mean that's how they make their shows. How else could they get away with snubbing conventional faith?

Granted, conventional faiths have addressed the existence of spirits since their origin. I don't deny that. But these shows on TV today take the approach that all the knowledge gained from milennia of soul-searching is wrong. This is the common theme. Christians are wrong. Muslims are wrong. Catholics (yes I know they are Christian too but they are separate here because they are one of the only ones I know who have ritualized processes relating to the exorcism of evil spirits) are wrong.

These shows proclaim (sometimes with subtlety, others with brazen defiance) that only "earthy" faiths truly understand the afterlife. The plight of native americans is usually addressed and glorified, and many times some half-drunk native american desperate for money or attention comes onto the screen discussing the relationships between spirits, our ancestors, and nature. Again if it weren't as shameful as it were, I'd laugh.

So after sitting through these shows (which normally last an hour or so and are chock full of nightvision video, shots of balls of dust floating around that they claim are spirits of the dead, silly girls in women's bodies who pretend to be scared and giggle and scream a lot, weird tapping noises that sound surprisingly like expanding/contracting wood during normal night settling, mysterious EVPs of voices saying "OOOOSSSSSHBBIIIXOSSSHHHHMMMMMMCALLLLLLLSHHHHH [static]" (which says something like "hey i'm dead, it's cold, i'm lonely, get out of my house, get me a jelly donut" or whatever ridiculous thing people say they say) and my favorite the EMF fluctuations that "JUST DON'T HAPPEN IN NATURE AND PROVE THAT SINCE GHOSTS ARE ENERGY AND ENERGY IS ELECTROMAGNETISM THEN WHEN YOUR METER JUMPS 10 OR MORE UNITS (again never explained exactly *what* they think is being measured) A GHOST IS HERE! ) <---BIGTIME RUNON ...

So after sitting through these shows I decided to study how they do it.

READY RAGGY? NEED A SCOOBY SNACK?

Why is it that it is always the smart kids with bright futures who get gunned down at universities? Can't for once the people in these shows burst into flames for our sensationalist enjoyment?

Or would the news even tell us? Probably not.

Anyway while I watched about the blueumpteenthmillion of these ridiculous shows I think I figured out the racket. So, if anyone out there wants to become famous and make lots of money, I offer you now my crash course in being a ghost buster, all for the wonderful price of a pile of dog crap and bucket of unsearched south american emeralds from ebay.

STEP 1 GET A VIDEO CAMERA THAT HAS NIGHT VISION
This is important. If for any other reason, you need this so the eyes of everyone you film has that neat cat's-eye reflective thing effect going on. It's also important for filming in the dark. See step 10.

STEP 2 HIRE A NAÏVE WOMAN WHO GIGGLES AND SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL AND IS AFRAID OF HER OWN SHADOW
Not only will this girl inspire innocence when the viewer sees her, but also she will serve to disarm the viewer's skeptical walls with her sheer beauty. As offensive as calling a grown woman a girl is, I use the term accurately, seeing that I am not judging her physical age, but her mental age, which, to be successful, needs to be similar to that of a day-old turd.

STEP 3 FIND A DARK PLACE
I don't care where this is. It could be an old abandoned hospital. An elementary school after a PTA meeting. Your basement. It doesn't matter. Hell it's going to be dark anyway.

STEP 4 TELL THE PERSON WITH THE CAMERA AND THE GIGGLY LITTLE GIRL/WOMAN THAT THE PLACE IS HAUNTED
Make shit up. Make it good. Tell them something like young boys ate the livers of black cats, got possessed, kidnapped people from Kansas and sacrificed them to Kegger, an ancient, forgotten Sumerian god of partying. After that, they drank the blood of their parents.

STEP 5 ADD THE "AND THESE DAYS" OR THE "PEOPLE SAY" STATEMENT
People say these days that when the moon is out and it's dark and you can't see anything for what it really is, you just might get carried away and imagine seeing little boys with black eyes riding war-pigs across the floor, searching for victims to oink to death. Get the idea?

STEP 6 GET A REALLY DUSTY RUG
Put this rug in the room where the ghosts most frequent. Be sure to tell the idiots so they spend time here walking around, stirring up dust. Orbs anyone?

STEP 7 MAKE SURE THERE ARE EXPOSED LEAD, STEEL, OR IRON WATER PIPES IN THE ROOM
This does wonders for EMF readings. Trust me. The result will be quite humorous.

STEP 8 MAKE SURE THAT THERE ARE ACTIVE WALL OUTLETS IN THE ROOM
Watch as the idiots take the EMF detector to the walls above the outlets and "detect the presence of a vortex or spirit."

STEP 9 REMOVE INSULATION AND CARPET
How else will we feel cold spots?

STEP 10 TURN THE GIGGLY IDIOT GIRL AND SCARED SHITLESS CAMERAPERSON LOOSE INTO THE DARK HAUNTED ROOM
Watch the fireworks. Be SURE you got the girl so scared that every rat, every flying insect, every draft, every tap and step is definite proof of the existence of spirits. It's even better if you can get her to the point of screaming, and better yet, crying.
And with the night vision (because as we all know, you can only see ghosts in the dark, and they are too weak to manifest in bright daylight) her eyes will be big and shiny, and she'll not be able to see her hand in front of her face, and when the cameraman gropes her butt it will be explained away quite easily.

The rest writes itself.
VOILA. A ghost hunter show fit for any of the networks.

I could go on and on about this, so please, if anyone wants to support these shows in comments, be my guest. Don't expect an answer though, because it's pointless. I know I'm right, and I know you're stupid. That's that.

I enjoy watching those guys on TAPS though. They do their best to disprove things, and some things have happened on their shows that is difficult to explain. What I like about them is they say "yeah we think ghosts are real" without putting that stupid new agey mumbo jumbo let's-get-back-to-our-ancestors-because-the-earth-is-crying crap the others do.

Go TAPS. I think you're doing your best to do it right.

The Haves and the Have-Nots

2007-04-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

Why you should not have unprotected sex -

you get cute things like this:

Apples And Oranges

2007-04-07T12:58:00.000-04:00

Friends, family, and strangers ask me every so often how I can claim to be religious and shack up with a self-proclaimed Atheist. Doesn’t this cause problems in your marriage, they ask? How will you raise your children? How do you ever agree on anything?

What you people asking these questions do not understand is how similar our moralities are. Here, let me explain:

In the year 1969, while on a trip bestowed by that wonderful mind-altering agent LSD, the great prophet Shantal decreed that the state of the Christian church at that time was defunct. Angels visited Shantal and instructed him on the method by which he could restructure the church so that it could successfully reach out to people and solve their problems. Thus, the Directive for Understanding Multiple Beliefs And Social Structures was given.

The great prophet Shantal gave the name of the directive to our church, thus fulfilling an ancient Mayan prophecy that a D.U.M.B.A.S.S. prophet and a bunch of D.U.M.B.A.S.S. “Christians” would bring the new gospel to the planet Earth. The people were given their mission – do whatever you can to secularize society so that the true church can find its place contemporary society.

D.U.M.B.A.S.S.es worked for years to bring this mission to fruition. I joined the church in the 1990s after being introduced to it by a member of its executive council, the group known as AFJ, the Atheists For Jesus. I was taken aback by this – I couldn’t understand how an Atheist and a D.U.M.B.A.S.S. could ever reconcile life choices, let alone get along in everyday life. I soon saw the error of my ways. Since both of our organizations valued hedonistic sex, we hit it off quite quickly and ended up marrying each other. It was a beautiful ceremony: the moon was full, the leaves had begun to fall onto the graves, and the statue of the Baphomet and the great prophet Shantal in a circle-jerk ring shone from atop the altar of rubber tires greased with Crisco. Our marital bliss began that day at the climax of our ceremony when they brought out Shantal, now reincarnated into the Chihuahua Bubbles. We copulated atop the rubber tire altar with Bubbles, insuring that our life of morality would never end.

My D.U.M.B.A.S.S. life improved day by day. My wife, being a member of AFJ, the executive order of D.U.M.B.A.S.S., introduced me to the secret societies within D.U.M.B.A.S.S. and their agendas. The hardest thing for me to understand was the similarities between Jesus and Bubbles. Although my mind is finite and I will never understand fully this great virtue, I trust my wife when she tells me they are the same and different. Because we were so similar in other ways she gave me the opportunity to join her cause. From that day on I swore I would not rest until:

1) Prayer was removed from schools
2) “In God We Trust” is removed from our money
3) “God” is taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance
4) Any woman is allowed to abort her baby so we can drink its blood
5) Gays – being the sacred judiciary of D.U.M.B.A.S.S., are given the right to marry so they too could receive tax breaks for having dirty sex, lighting the way for all of us in the true pleasures of hedonism.
6) Murder, rape, and drug use are made legal.
7) Telling the truth is not only not necessary but is also frowned upon.
8) Anyone can walk around naked if they want to.
9) Jews around the world are rewarded for what they did, since the true prophet is in fact Bubbles the Chihuahua, the reincarnated LSD using great prophet Shantal.
10) The black helicopters are painted pink.
11) Freemasons are given their 30 acres and a bucket of cement, as promised so many years ago.
12) We can not only burn our flag, but also use it as an adult diaper if there is no other cloth around.
13) We admit to evolution. Listen people, coming from monkeys is an improvement.
14) We allow the terrorists to win. After all, who needs freedom of religion and speech?

Imagine That

2006-11-09T17:59:00.000-05:00

Not one day after the mid-term election and gas prices have already risen 10 cents per gallon (after suddenly mysteriously going down 5 cents per gallon a few days before). Wife says that somehow, despite Bush's many orders contrary to the house previously, that this will be blamed on democrats. I think she's right.

Episode V: The Ranter Strikes Back

2006-11-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

People have often wondered why I had stopped ranting on this website as of late. To be honest, I have a new baby in the house, and I have worked diligently to be as happy as I could; to live as free from anger and frustration as I possibly could; to appreciate the softer, more subtle treasures of life and not focus so much on what puts people in the grave early.

Unfortunately like roaches coming out of the walls during a dinner party it seems there is no lack of idiots coming forward during times of an election. These rats will stop at nothing to lie or manipulate your vote out from under you. Things happen that we don’t like, for sure. Progress and change sometimes take time. That is a fact.

But on Tuesday, 81 percent of Tennessee voters approved a constitutional amendment that legally defined marriage as a union between a man and a woman.

Now people please, no bullshit smokescreens here. Let’s put this out on the table for what it really is.

This is a religious argument that has forced its way into civil government. I’m not going to waste my time screaming separation of church and state here. I just want people to own up to what they believe and just admit what this issue really means. This is an issue of control.

Marriage is a civil union, not a religious one. Sure, most people get married in a church, and a minister may be the one who signs the papers, but everyone knows that it is a legal document, a legal contract, in fact one in which the signers are entitled some legal benefits, primarily in taxes, medical decisions, and occupational medical insurance. There is no religious benefit to getting married whatsoever. Keep this in mind.

The primary campaign against homosexual marriage that I have seen in Tennessee has centered on “protection of our holier than thou snow white pristine pure sacrosanct union of marital bliss.” There have been countless fliers, banners, billboards, TV spots, radio spots, and political streetwalking whores going door to door trying to convince us that by letting homosexuals marry somehow we are destroying traditional family values.

Family values, in fact, that are so traditional that it is perfectly reasonable to violate them if you happen to be hetero. I mean why else would the United States census report in 2001 that the rates of marriages ending in divorce have more than doubled in 50 years? Is it fear of homosexuals at the gate, waiting to charge in like Huns and destroy the holiness of marriage? Are the divorcing heteros simply accepting the inevitable fate of marriage if we allow these disgusting, drooling perverts to marry?

Or does it have something to do with the fact that heteros bring more problems into marriage, soiling the white linen, so to speak, than gays ever could hope to bring?

This somehow makes me think back to the issue of control. Since it is obviously fine for heteros to walk all over the traditional values of the holy union there must be some other, darker reason why we can’t let homosexuals marry. Maybe we should ask Representative Mark Foley. Maybe we should ask the Reverend Ted Haggard. Jimmy Swaggart? Bill Clinton? Is there ever a season that goes by where people in power or the public eye, frantically waiving the “save the values” flag, are involved in one sex scandal or another?

The simple answer is this is a religious issue. Many Christians think they somehow have the right to keep people who sin from having the same secular rights that they have. Maybe they think that if they prohibit gay marriage that somehow they will help rehabilitate gays? I have no idea. I can say that it is obvious that there is no legal reason why gays shouldn’t marry. And if they aren’t soiling the institution of marriage any more than heterosexuals already are, why keep it from them?

If the fact that this being a religious argument forcing its way into secular politics doesn’t table this entire issue in favor of allowing gays the right to marry, how about this?

Why would we allow for religious pundits to dictate our laws in the first place? Has anyone out there who wants to institutionalize their flavor of Christianity ever thought about what that actually means?

What the hell. Let’s do it. Let’s make Christianity the state religion of the United States and designate what rights we give to Christians and what rights we take away from heathens, especially the ones who sin most terribly. By the way, has anyone decided what type of Christianity we would implement? Do we want Mormons or Catholics or Presbyterians or Southern Baptists teaching our children their creation stories? Maybe we want Christian Scientists in our hospitals? How about as the elementary school nurse? I guess it doesn’t matter really. Christians get along. There wont be any problems with who gets what rights and privileges. Christians understand who is a heathen and who is not. They’ll be able to decide on the best government for all of us. After all, with so many denominations, hasn’t it been proven that they all can come to agree?

Now Christians, hear me out. I am not trashing you or your religion. I am only saying stay out of politics. Please stop trying to force people to your beliefs. Live your lives well. Free yourselves from scandal. Be happy. Bring people to you and your way of life through modeling. People, when seeing your happiness, will want to be like you. They will listen, and they will follow. But if you continually say “you must stop this now or be damned,” no one will listen.

And get rid of the Ted Haggards. They really REALLY make you look bad.

A Blast From The Past

2006-08-27T14:20:00.000-04:00

Ok, Today we have a funny post. I decided to repost something my brother sent me back in the year 2000. I was working for a well-known telecommunications giant in customer service at the time, and had shared personal stories with him. He located these stories on the internet and sent them to me. I do not know the authors of these tales, but based on what I know from personal experience, the believability of all of these stories is very firm.

If anyone knows any author information, please let me know.

-------------------

TRUE STORIES OF STUPID PEOPLE

1) I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

2) Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer are employed by Boeing.

3) A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote on a deposit slip "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept this stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line at the Bank of America.

4) A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.

5) Drug Possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, sad Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket in court that day. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

6) Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch into the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. The robber was arrested two hours later.

7) A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waiving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody Move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit unloaded his revolver into his accomplice.

A Little Bird Told Me....

2006-08-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

I am allowing a guest rant here today. My wife told me to check out this guy's rant, and I did, and as she expected, it expresses one of the opinions of terrorism to which I ascribe. I have censored out most of the obscenities because I feel in this case the words do not do the argument justice. There is real meat on these bones, and it would behoove everyone to listen.

The actual entry in its entirety, uncensored, can be found at: http://kfmonkey.blogspot.com/2006/08/wait-arent-you-scared.html.

Otherwise, I am giving you his rant as he published it, without his permission. If he doesn't like the free publicity, well... not everyone is ready for NASA I guess.

I enjoyed his FDR reference. Where's our backbone today?

----------------------------------

Friday, August 11, 2006
KUNG FU MONKEY
John Rogers

"Wait, Aren't You Scared?"
Errr, no. And if you are, you frankly should be a little $^&%# embarrassed.

No false bravado and it's not that I don't take terrorism seriously. I do, which I why I voted for the guy who believed in securing our ports and fighting terrorism with criminal investigation methods -- which is, if we may remind everybody, how this particular plot was busted.

I am just not going to wet my pants every time some guys get arrested in a terror plot. I will do my best to stay informed. I will support the necessary law enforcement agencies. I will take whatever reasonable precautions seem, um, reasonable. But I will not be terrorized. I assume that the terror-ists would like me to be terror-ized, as that is what is says on their nametag, rather than, say, wanting me to surrender to ennui or negative body image, and they're just coming the long way around.

Osama Bin Laden got everything on his Christmas list after 9/11 -- US out of Saudi Arabia; the greatest military in the world over-extended, pinned down and distracted; the greatest proponent of democracy suddenly alienated from its allies; a US culture verily eager to destroy freedoms that little scum&*(% could never even dream to touch himself -- I would like to deny him the last little check on the clipboard, i.e. constant terror. I panic, they win. To coin a phrase, Osama Bin Laden can suck my insouciance.

I am absolutely buffaloed by the people who insist I man up and take it in the teeth for the great Clash of Civilizations -- "Come ON, people, this is the EPIC LAST WAR!! You just don't have the stones to face that fact head-on!" -- who at the whiff of an actual terror plot will, with no apparent sense of irony, transform and run around shrieking, eyes rolling and Hello Kitty panties flashing like Japanese schoolgirls who have just realized that the call is coming from inside the house!

I may have shared too much there.

To be honest, it's not like I'm a brave man. I'm not. At all. It just, well, it doesn't take that much strength of will not to be scared. Who the hell am I supposed to be scared of? Joseph Padilla, dirty bomber who didn't actually know how to build a bomb, had no allies or supplies, and against whom the government case is so weak they're now shuffling him from court to court to avoid the public embarassment of a trial? The &$^%wits who were going to take down the Brooklyn Bridge with blowtorches? Richard Reid, the Zeppo of suicide bombers? The great Canadian plot that had organized over the internet, was penetrated by the Mounties on day one, and we were told had a TRUCK FULL OF EXPLOSIVES ... which they had bought from the Mounties in a sting operation but hey let's skip right over that. Or how about the "compound" of Christian cultists in Florida who were planning on blowing up the Sears Tower with ... kung fu?

And now these guys. As the initial "OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THEY CAN BLOW US UP WITH SNAPPLE BOTTLES!!" hysteria subsides, we discover that these guys had been under surveillance, completely penetrated, by no less than three major intelligence agencies. That they were planning on cell phones, and some of them openly travelled to Pakistan (way to keep the cover, Reilly, Ace of Spies). Hell, Chertoff knew about this two weeks ago, and the only reason that some people can scream this headline:

"The London Bombers were within DAYS of trying a dry run!!!"

-- was because MI-5, MI-6, and Scotland Yard let them get that close, so they could suck in the largest number of contacts (again, very spiffy police work). The fact that these wingnuts could have been rolled up, at will, at any time, seems to have competely escaped the media buzz.

This is terrorism's A-game? Sack up, people.

Again, this is not to do anything less than marvel as cool, well-trained, ruthless law-enforcement professionals -- who spent decades honing their craft chasing my IRA cousins -- execute their job magnificently. Should we take this seriously? DAMN STRAIGHT we take this seriously. Left unchecked, these terror-fanboy bastards would have gone down in history. These cretins' intent was monstrous; they should, and will, all go to jail for a very long time. This is the part where we all breathe a sigh of relief that there are some actual professionals working the job in some countries.

But God gave me a brain, and a modicum of spine. Taking something seriously, and panicking over it are two different things. I do not assign all dangers and risks equal value. Tight little freelance squads with leak-proof operational discipline, like the 7/7 guys, -- those I worry about. A nuke coming in through one of ridiculously open ports -- I am concerned. Not bio-terror so much, because it's a shitty delivery mechanism. That the Muslim population of England seems to be becoming radicalized enough to sprout up these plots, that's not a good thing to consider. al-Queda involvement -- good if true because this means their recruiting is shitty: bad if true because this means they're back in business: bad if false because it means al-Queda has indeed become a "brand": but good if false because it reinforces the idea that they're operationally crippled (and if Zwahari is involved, I personally would like a word with whatever idiot nation took their eyes of the ball and let him escape ...)

... You get the point. There are a million factors in this New World of Terror. You weigh 'em, you process, and then you move on.

You move on, building a better international society so that luddite fundamentalist criminal gangs/cults of personality are further and further marginalized.

Or, if you don't understand 4th Generation Warfare at all, you move on, bombing the shit out of nation-states and handing your opponents massive PR victories. Either way, you move the &%^$ on.

Maybe it's just, I cast my eyes back on the last century ...

FDR: Oh, I'm sorry, was wiping out our entire Pacific fleet supposed to intimidate us? We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and right now we're coming to kick your ass with brand new destroyers riveted by waitresses. How's that going to feel?

CHURCHILL: Yeah, you keep bombing us. We'll be in the pub, flipping you off. I'm slapping Rolls-Royce engines into untested flying coffins to knock you out of the skies, and then I'm sending angry Welshmen to burn your country from the Rhine to the Polish border.

US. NOW: BE AFRAID!! Oh God, the Brown Bad people could strike any moment! They could strike ... NOW!! AHHHH. Okay, how about .. NOW!! AAGAGAHAHAHHAG! Quick, do whatever we tell you, and believe whatever we tell you, or YOU WILL BE KILLED BY BROWN PEOPLE!! PUT DOWN THAT SIPPY CUP!!

... and I'm just a little tired of being on the wrong side of that historical arc.

This is it, folks. This is the world, from now on. Even assuming the War on Terror is a not just a bad metaphor and there is an actual measurable winning point*, the short 4GW struggles last fifty years or so. We're going to be stopping one or two of these bastard mass-murder plots a year, minimum, for the rest of our lives. Hell, the way terror tactics and tech evolve, five years from now we're going to be pining for the dudes with the flammable juice boxes.

It's now part of our life. Let's try not to hop like the trained monkeys every time it happens.

I'm just pleased that for once, nobody --

"Weeks before September 11th, this is going to play big," said another White House official, who also spoke on condition of not being named, adding that some Democratic candidates won't "look as appealing" under the circumstances."

-- ahhhh. Never mind

Prudes And Shrewds Everywhere, And Not A Way To Escape

2006-07-28T11:13:00.000-04:00

I have one quick rant to put before you. Frankly, I think all of you women out there who think breastfeeding should not be allowed in public areas are, quite frankly, idiots. Now don't get me wrong, I still respect you, but I think you are being ridiculous. Here's why:

I'm sure you think the breast is a sexual object, even though it's primary design is to allow a newborn to eat. So you want to cover it. I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is, why are you so damn concerned about the sexuality of a breast during feeding, when you hardly see the nipple, and only see the "fat" of the breast? If this is such a problem, why can I

1) step outside my door onto the street on any day of the week and see hordes of scantily clad women showing meat of breast, meat of butt cheek, legs, stomachs, thighs, or any other type of sexually provocative clothing

2) turn on my tv or open any magazine and see anything and everything from "100 ways to please your man" to hot and heavy lingerie adds

3) see the population supporting en mass celebrities who promote hedonism

4) Oh I don't know, just see lots of women practicing the "if you got it flaunt it" mentality.

Now I'm going to give credit where credit is due. You are right when you assume that men, seeing women breastfeeding in public, may begin to drool uncontrollably and start humping tree trunks and parking meters like some crazed rabbit or dog. But what you fail to realize is breasts are not the only thing that does this to men. You've got the breasts, but also hips, thighs, legs, ankles, feet, arms, hands, collarbones, necks, hair, eyes, and practically anything else on your body will get us going. These all will entice men.

So, If you're really wanting to protect yourself from the prying eyes of lusting men, please, by all means, start wearing a birka. Anything else would be inconsistent. Think that is a bit ridiculous? So is thinking women breastfeeding in public is disgusting.

It wouldn't work anyway. We men can still see your eyes when you wear a birka, and that's probably enough to send us into uncontrollable heat.

A Moment of Silence

2006-05-19T12:12:00.000-04:00

Promises broken.

Bats In The Belfry

2006-04-27T12:21:00.000-04:00

I’m going to complain about two things at once in this article, seemingly independent but related on fundamental ground. So bear with me ☺

People oftentimes ask me what I think about “illegal immigrants” coming to the United States, wrecking our system of labor, increasing the burden on our tax paying citizens, and causing all-around chaos and havoc. “We are losing our language,” I hear. “We are losing our culture.” “These Mexicans need to learn English.” The list goes on and on. Well, hatemongers, here is my answer to you.

First of all, since I live in a free society that respects a person’s right to choose his or her destiny, to own property, and to follow his or her own path to happiness, I don’t think that ANY immigration is illegal. I think it is the burden of the society to deal with increased immigration, without closing its borders, much like your local movie theater will have more employees on hand during a holiday or UPS or FedEx hires more employees during the winter months to handle demand. The immigration exists as a symptom reflecting the very state of the country that conservatives hold with reverence – that this country is great and mighty, and is the most desirable place on earth to live, where one can find opportunity and freedom.

How ironic it is that a nation so self-absorbed in the concept of freedom would close its doors to those most desperately seeking it.

I never wanted the job of serving you at Denny’s, cleaning your toilets at the hotel, or picking your soybeans and tobacco anyway. So much for taking jobs of Americans.

And since so many people out there believe the United States of America is a Christian nation founded on Christian principles, I have one thing to say to you:

From the New International Version of the Holy Bible, Gospel of Luke, Chapter 10, verses 25 – 37, from (www.bible.com):

25On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
26"What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?"
27He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'[c]; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[d]"
28"You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
29But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?"
30In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead.
31A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.
32So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.
33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him.
34He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him.
35The next day he took out two silver coins[e] and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'
36"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"
37The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

If we were a Christian nation we wouldn’t leave immigrants outside our borders to die, but would give the shirts off our backs to help them get on their feet and make a better life for themselves.

Another thought comes to mind concerning the fear that many Americans have concerning “losing our country to the immigrants.” Again, from the Holy Bible NIV, Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 26, verses 51-52:

51With that, one of Jesus' companions reached for his sword, drew it out and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.
52"Put your sword back in its place," Jesus said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.”

We reap what we sow. Mexicans and other immigrants flocking to our country, bringing to themselves a better life, bringing their language, their culture, their own system of supply and demand, and soon their currency and way of life, is not a new concept. After all, this is precisely what Europeans and Americans did to the Native Americans.

But I see something else at work here. This is the Theory of Evolution at its best. Our country is evolving at much the same way as a human would do, in a macroscopic sense. Don’t know what macroscopic means? Try reading a book instead of burning it.

After our country found its independence, we were a new life, with bright shining eyes, a smile of innocence, and a resolve to explore, to find good in the world, and do what is right.

As we aged we became the schoolyard bully, pushing and hitting the weaker kids around, making our own mark, declaring our own place during phys-ed or recess. "Mess with the the best, die like the rest." During this time, we hurt other kids, and we know it. We hurt the ones that stood up against us even more.

And now our country is a teenager. We are realizing the pain and suffering in the world, and we want to do good but an overwhelming sense of dissonance and angst distract us from what is sensible and right. We fear everything we do not understand, and feel since we are in charge of our own destinies, we are the only ones who know what is best for us. Since it is best for us, we know beyond doubt it is best for other people.

But guess what ladies and gentlemen, the evolution will continue. Soon, our country will be an adult, and after that, a wise elder. I hope I live to see these times, for when this happens, the force of will known as American Determination will support true freedom for everyone on this planet, whether or not he or she lives within our borders, supports our policies, or agrees with our general outlook. These are the times of acceptance and tolerance that will truly lead us to a more peaceful and safer world, and I pray to God every day that it comes to pass. And soon.

What Color Are You?

2006-04-27T10:52:00.000-04:00

A relative of mine recently discussed on her blog the characteristics of living in a red state as opposed to living in a blue state. The message I believe was that all of us, no matter what political affiliation we claimed we had, had characteristics of both conservatives and democrats. For those who are unaware, a “red” state voted Republican in the last U.S. election, and a “blue” state voted Democrat. Republicans are often referred to as “conservative,” while Democrats are often called “liberal.”

Before I go further into my personal characteristics (following up on the “things that make fatbody tick” theme), I would like to gripe about the characterizations of conservative and liberal.

The Oxford English dictionary, online edition (www.askoxford.com) defines “conservative” as:
• adjective 1 averse to change and holding traditional values. 2 (in a political context) favouring free enterprise, private ownership, and socially conservative ideas. 3 (Conservative) relating to a Conservative Party. 4 (of an estimate) purposely low for the sake of caution.
• noun 1 a conservative person. 2 (Conservative) a supporter or member of a Conservative Party.

The same dictionary defines “liberal” as:

• adjective 1 willing to respect and accept behaviour or opinions different from one’s own. 2 (of a society, law, etc.) favourable to individual rights and freedoms. 3 (in a political context) favouring individual liberty, free trade, and moderate reform. 4 (Liberal) (in the UK) relating to the Liberal Democrat party. 5 (especially of an interpretation of a law) not strictly literal. 6 given, used, or giving in generous amounts. 7 (of education) concerned with broadening general knowledge and experience.
• noun 1 a person of liberal views. 2 (Liberal) (in the UK) a Liberal Democrat.
— ORIGIN originally meaning “suitable for a free man”: from Latin liberalis, from liber ‘free man’.

My gripe is that I see the United States of America as the flagship country of the world in the cause of freedom. Isn’t that what we hear every day on the news from our President? “Freedom” will not be defeated. You can’t deny “freedom.” When the people of X country experience the “freedom” to make their own decisions, there will be peace.

The introductions to two pesky documents come to mind:

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Now if you know the documents these quotes come from, congratulations, you are smarter than 75% + of the US population who could not identify these quotations.

From my point of view, if you follow what is said in these quotations, you must understand there is a message of tolerance and respect therein. The word “liberty” is mentioned twice, and before anyone tries to split hairs or put spin on this:

The Oxford English Dictionary online edition defines liberty as:

• noun (pl. liberties) 1 the state of being free from oppression or imprisonment. 2 a right or privilege. 3 the power or scope to act as one pleases. 4 informal a presumptuous remark or action.
— PHRASES take liberties 1 behave in an unduly familiar manner towards a person. 2 treat something freely, without strict faithfulness to the facts or to an original. take the liberty do something without first asking permission.
— ORIGIN Latin libertas, from liber ‘free’.

So it seems to me that the entire U.S political way of free thought is based on liberalism, the act of believing in liberty, and taking the liberty to do things (like to be conservative and buy SUVs and declare liberals traitors). I would think that if you opposed the liberal way of thinking by clinging to some “conservative tradition” that isn’t well defined in argument that you, at the heart of the matter, don’t believe in a “free political state.”

That is, of course, contrasted with Tyranny, which the Oxford English Dictionary, Online Edition defines as:

• noun (pl. tyrannies) 1 cruel and oppressive government or rule. 2 a state under such rule. 3 cruel and arbitrary exercise of power or control.
— DERIVATIVES tyrannous adjective.

But a tyrannous nation would be a nation that forces its philosophical will upon everyone, like telling them they can or can’t do trivial things; telling them they have to believe the things the majority believe or be held treasonous; telling them they must support troops and a president without dissent or be declared NOT a patriot; denying them rights given to all “normal” Americans (e.g. the right to marry, the right to assemble in protest, and most importantly, the right to disagree).

What I just hinted at is that conservatives can argue against liberals until they are “blue in the face” but really, if you think about it, they are all liberals. How many times can you turn on Faux News and see frat boys claiming that they should be allowed to drive oil guzzling machines if they so choose; that they can hoard money and not subsidize the poor; that they have the right to choose where their children go to school; that they should be able to accept corporate campaign contributions; that they should be able to do what they want when they want if they can afford to do so. These, like it or not, are liberties, and a belief that one has these choices, like it or not, is liberalism.

That is of course unless archaeologists have found the troupe of Hummers the founding fathers drove around as they mapped their new country.

Ok well back to the point. Now that I’ve griped that conservative and liberal don’t really fit as extremes of the same political spectrum, I will go ahead and give you my characteristics that make me agreeable to a “red state,” as well as my characteristics that make me agreeable to a “blue state.”

RED STATE CHARACTERISTICS
- I believe in a strong central governement.
- I believe in a national ID that all citizens should carry at all times.
- I believe in having prayer or spiritual “meditation” time in public schools.
- I believe in anti-desecration legislation against symbols of our society.
- I believe in the right to own firearms.
- I believe abortion should be illegal.
- I believe that people should not be taxed according to income.

BLUE STATE CHARACTERISTICS
- I believe in the socialization of medicine and health insurance.
- I do not believe in the privatization of social security and welfare programs.
- I believe the death penalty should be abolished.
- I believe in the institution of gun-owners insurance.
- I believe we should respect our environment; that we should curb our contribution to global warming, conserve oil and other resources, and protect endangered species.
- I believe in nuclear non-proliferation.
- I believe in the separation of chuch and state.
- I believe the words "under God" should be removed from The Pledge of Allegiance
- I believe the act of "swearing on the Bible" when testifying to a court or when taking public office should be abolished
- I believe in the freedom of religion.

Now, you get extra points if you realized that having the choices to have these rights and the beliefs stated above, whether in blue states or red states, is liberalism, then you get a pat on the back and a “hooray” from me.

A Spider Within the Webs

2006-04-10T08:38:00.000-04:00

One of the things that really pushes my buttons is when people just plain don't think. Now I understand being stubborn. I of all people know I can get my mind on something or get an idea in my head and see how far it takes me. What I don't like is when people claim they are thinking, claim they are tolerant, claim they are understanding, and then get so intolerant, hard-headed and stubborn that you wonder "what are they thinking?"

This kind of behavior only bothers me when it comes from someone of repute, someone trusted with the responsibility to not act this way. If I were to get upset at every instance of this behavior, i'd be mad at every person alive, including myself, constantly.

Here is an example. There's this new controversy in the Christian community concerning a Gospel of Judas. It seems that this gospel, considered Gnostic, was thrown out in the old days because it was believed that Judas was an incarnation of evil and therefore couldn't write a gospel. The belief has continued through the ages to the present day. Judas is the great betrayer. Judas is Satan incarnate. Judas is the man who betrayed and "killed" Jesus.

This is where I believe the people who hold a grudge against Judas need to stop and think. The Gospel of Judas claims that Judas' betrayal of Jesus was actually against his will, and that Jesus practically "put him up to it." For some reason this idea appears to many to be inconceivable. So inconceivable that they get very, very angry.

Why?

Stop and think. Without Judas, there would have been no arrest. With no arrest, no trial. With no trial, no condemnation. With no condemnation, no sentence and crucifixion. With no death, no resurrection. Judas' betrayal of Jesus is instrumental in completing the great plan of salvation. What is the problem with this? And why should we be mad at Judas? Shouldn't we be happy? Wouldn't his involvement in the plan and the fact that he took the brunt of the blame make him a hero?

And even if Jesus didn't put him up to it, how do we know that God wasn't in one of the "harden pharoah's heart" moods when Judas sought Jesus in betrayal? No matter how you look at it, I don't think there's any basis to hold a grudge against Judas for his involvement in Jesus' death.

It isn't the fact that people don't think about these things that anger me. It's the fact that people responsible for guiding others can shrug off ideas like this one out of plain stubborness or fear. It isn't hard to admit, "that is an interesting point, and can be quite possible." Instead they continue breeding hate against a man who's actions were necessary to bring about their own eternal life. You don't have to agree with the point. Just admit the possibility. This idea is more believable than Jesus orbiting the planet as we speak, resting in a spaceship, waiting for the passage of a governmental law.

And this is only one example. :(

Beneath The Looking Glass

2006-04-08T12:34:00.000-04:00

I decided to post about some things that make me tick. Maybe it will help others understand me more? I don't know. We'll see how it works out. I'll start the analysis soon, and the next couple of posts will be all about what horrors haunt this web-infested cerebral cavity of mine.

Disclaimer In Progress

2006-03-12T12:49:00.000-05:00

Ok I have to clear something up. The below post, entitled "which has more value, a grasshopper or your sister" has been renamed to "the roots of mystery."

I did this because the naming of the post was in error and was actually giving off the wrong impression of my argument about how modern day buddhists have strayed from the original teachings.

In the post I state that the premise is to protect all life because it is sacred, so no life is worth more than the life of another.

The point of the post is to get some people into thinking-cap mode so that they can be built to the point of understanding that in most cases, like it or not, change is good.

I still feel that a happy medium can be achieved between war and peace. Many modern day buddhists have come to this point. The monks used to fight in defense; there was a time when they were corrupted and lost their way but that wound healed with time.

Raging Bacteria

2006-03-12T10:53:00.000-05:00

Ok thanks to the doctor this flu I've had for a week and six days feels like it might be on the way to the door. It has toyed with me during this illness though, so I'm a bit worried that it leaving is just a ruse. I also feel bad because it's hit my wife too, and she's got the cast-iron immune system and never gets sick. The doctor gave her pills too and she's looking a bit better, although she won't admit it.

So maybe soon I'll get back to spewing venom, but for now I still need rest... and I'm still helping take care of the wife.

The Roots of Mystery

2006-02-23T14:21:00.000-05:00

I have some Buddhist friends, and much of the philosophy appeals to me. I don’t like it when they take it so far as to worship Buddha as a god, but I can agree with the philosophy, well most of it.

What I have trouble with is this whole passive I-wont-lift-a-hand-in-protest modern day approach to violence. I respect the theory behind it: life is sacred, and killing anything is wrong. Some go so far as to not kill bugs, or eat meat, but still eat plants (which they don’t think is killing because a plant isn’t respected as a reincarnate).

But this is what I don’t get. To me, allowing yourself to die in protest is killing yourself. You allow yourself to die. Sure, you didn’t kill yourself, but you allowed yourself to be killed, which to me is the same thing.

None of us were around to hear the Dharma firsthand, but one would think that allowing for ritual suicide was not part of the curricula for escaping suffering.

Nearly 1,000 years after Sidhartha (The Buddha) established his philosophical approach, a Buddhist named Ba Tuo spread the teachings into China and built the first Shaolin monastery.

A teacher named (by the Chinese) Ta Mo brought Ch’an Buddhism to China and came upon the Shaolin Ssu temple. Finally he, after several years of meditation outside the temple, is said to have been let inside. He saw the monks were weak and needed skilled training in meditation and physical arts.

You see where this was going. Soon after the Shaolin kung-fu monk was born. The temple was not poor and was often attacked by peasant armies, and the monks would often be called to defend the monastery and travelers from bandits.

This was all taught and sanctioned by the first Buddhist temple in China. Ta Mo is considered one of the brightest Buddhist teachers from India for his time. These men devoted their lives to physical training for the defense of the weak. This is not indicative of passive resistance.

So now we bring this full circle. The accepted Buddhist tradition of passive resistance is, to me, contrary to what the Buddhists originally taught.

Instead of letting oneself be slain so that a praying mantis won’t get squashed beneath the boot of an overanxious Chinese soldier, the monks of today, in my opinion, need to re-embrace the teachings of the Shaolin Ssu temple, and fight back the oppressors that destroy the lives of their kin in Tibet.

I don’t care if the Chinese army has 1 billion bloodcrazed soldiers. The Law of Conservation of Ninjas applies here. The Chinese army doesn’t stand a chance.

Politics 101

2006-02-23T13:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, it appears that I’ve been trashing George W. Bush a lot lately. Well it’s true, I have. But I’ve gotten some messages that have prompted me to address something important, something I’ve failed to get through to some of the bricked up minds out there.

People, understand this. I AM NOT A DEMOCRAT. I am not a republican. I am registered to vote, but I pay more attention to platforms than parties, and more importantly, to what people do once elected when following up on their campaign promises.

I have nothing against Republicans. I have everything against George W. Bush. But understand also, I have just as many gripes against Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Martha Lane Collins, Antonin Scalia, and whoever gets in front of 4 billion people and says one thing only to do a totally different thing later.

I happen to hate politicians and nut job false preachers (e.g. Pat Robertson) more than I hate Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, and that’s why I spend most of my time complaining about politics.

So, for all you people telling me to “fight the man” and dethrone the Bush dynasty, please, by all means, attach a bag of cement to yourselves and jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

And before I get any anti-Christian flames, understand also that I have utmost respect for some ministers. Those I respect I call ministers, those I despise I call preachers, because all they do is get up and preach at you, they don’t communicate.

Motel Hell

2006-02-22T17:02:00.000-05:00

Time to gripe. I have been in San Francisco, California, for about 18 hours, and I already hate this hotel. I am staying at the Sir Francis Drake hotel on powell street, in the heart of the city. The hotel is costing us about 120 bucks a night, and is highly billed as being one of the classiest hotels around.

Yeah right.

First of all, sure there's pretty chandeliers and marble pillars. It's great that i can hang the "do not disturb" sign on the door and actually not have housekeeping barge in on me. Oh and it has a working toilet and running water.

Here is what I don't like:

1) the hotel advertises free high speed wireless access in each room. At best I can get 190 kilobytes per second, and the connection times out after 2 minutes of inactivity. So by the time you've read the web page you pulled up, you have to quit your browser and reopen it and log in again. And forget about doing ANYTHING other than reading. Drool comes out of my mouth quicker when I sleep than I get speed off this stupid "high speed" wireless.

2) the ice machines on my floor, the floor below, and the floor above are not plugged into power. You might think this is not a bad thing, until you realize they charge 2 dollars and 50 cents for a bottle of ROOM TEMPERATURE water. And not even that, the refrigerator is locked, so you can't get into the damn thing and refrigerate your own drinks.

3) You might say, hey captain, use your back up dialup to get around their "high speed" internet. I would, of course, if they didn't charge 1.00 for the first minute and 10 cents for each additional minute for LOCAL CALLS.

4) they also offer free tv in the rooms. That is if you like network tv or pbs. They don't even give free cspan. That's what turned me against them. Hell with hbo or showtime, I want to watch congress. Not here I don't.

5) I witnessed a maid blow her nose into sheets she was taking into a room to put on a bed.

Hey, why gripe? At least the cardkey worked. Good god I'd be better off in a holiday inn.

Letter Of The Week

2006-02-09T17:24:00.000-05:00

This is a true jewel. It is so great I just HAD to post it. The following letter was written in the local paper on Sunday, January 29, 2006. The letter was written by Kenneth X and was written in response to recent religious controversy over a made-for-TV film. The letter was dubbed "Letter of the Week" by the editorial staff.

WOULD THAT WE ALL WERE PERFECT PEOPLE
Kenneth X

I agree with those TV viewers and letter writers who don't find dysfunctional families- like the one in the "Book of Daniel" - entertaining. But, in order to be consistent with my values, I've also decided to stop reading all those stories about dysfunctional families, too.

No more reading about a man with anger management problems who kills his brother ( Cain ).

No more reading about a drunken father who exposes himself to his children ( Noah ).

No more reading about dishonest, deceitful, cheating brothers ( Jacob ).

No more reading about a politician with a desperate housewife ( Samson and Delilah ).

No more reading about a king who consults a medium for advice ( Saul ).

No more reading about polygamist leaders who allow their many wives to turn them from God ( Solomon ).

No more reading about kings who commit adultery and then cover it up with murder ( David, later described as "a man after God's own heart" ).

No more reading about a prophet who marries a harlot ( Hosea ).

No more reading about a preacher who strips himself naked and goes streaking through town ( Isaiah ).

In fact, No more reading about a chosen nation described as a wicked and adulterous generation ( Israel ).

And no more reading about apostles who curse and deny their Lord ( Peter ) or a terrorist turned missionary who argues with his co-workers ( Paul ) or churches that are told to stop stealing ( Ephesians ) or commitiing incest ( Corinthians ). How on Earth would God possibly use people like that?

I suppose it makes more sense to pretend that God shows no grace and uses only perfect people like the Waltons and the IIngalls.

So why should Christians have to be subjected to the idea of an imperfect minister whose family life is a mess?

Bush Administration Subpoenas Google

2006-01-19T19:44:00.000-05:00

Ok so those lackeys in the white house have decided to subpoena google for data, saying they are searching to see if anyone used their search engine to find kiddy porn. This is pathetic. This reflects the current state of our intelligence. What kind of moron doesn't know how to use the internet? I'm not saying that people won't use google to search for child porn. What I'm saying is that this kind of thing is a smokescreen.

What I mean is it doesn't take a rocket scientist to find kiddie porn on the internet. You don't need to subpoena google. Hell just type in www.iwantsex.com or the equivalent and browse the links. If you're lucky, THERE WILL EVEN BE A BANNER.

Get off it george. If you really want a list of people who masturbate, just use the phone book. I hate to tell you and your fellow right-wing nutjob fundamentalist friends this, but you do have these parts between your legs, and it does feel good when you touch them.

Feels better than drinking, snorting cocaine, and dodging Viet Nam even. Don't tell us you're looking for child porn when it's already right in front of your damn face. Be honest about it. You just want to know what everyone's looking at, cause you can't stand people having their own brain waves.

Oh and one more thing. George, I know you have a government email address. George, I know other people that do. George, they get spam every day about porn, whether it's lengthening penis size or whatnot. George, often times theres also kiddie porn there. Why don't you start your investigation there instead of stretching the laws as you see fit?

Wait, I forgot. You can't read. Nevermind. At least you can look at the pictures though, even if it makes your gonads tingle.

More on this later.

The 41 Types of Game Masters

2006-01-12T13:18:00.001-05:00

In case you were interested in the 35 types of role players list, click here to read it. Otherwise, enjoy the post!

To counter the 35 types of players, this list came out at the same time. It is the 41 types of gamemasters. I'm sure all of you players out there encountered one or more of these guys in the past. Again, the author is unknown. My favorite has always been MR. FLOWERY.

The 41 Types of Game Masters
author unknown

THE MUNCHKIN – “Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even unleashing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half gray-elven/ half gold-dragon 50th level paladin/wizard/cleric/monk/bard gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulu who grovels at his feet…”

MONTY HAUL – “You are each granted one wish.”
“I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna.”
“I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless.”
“I wish to have…”
“Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?”

KILLER – “As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from behind it, killing you. No, there is no “to hit” roll, or saving throw allowed.”

THE TROUBLEMAKER – singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes, which read, “Don’t let anyone know there is nothing on this note.”

THE CHEATER – “I don’t care if you hit on an 18 last time, THIS time you missed, and I don’t want to hear another thing about it.”

MR. DON’T-QUESTION-ME – “A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with that?”

THE NOVICE – “you rolled a 2 on your “to hit” roll. Did you want high or low?”

VERBOSE – “The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly polished, smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass. It’s kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast iron and you see… (sounds of snoring from the party members).

WITH A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her..”

WITHOUT A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued (hee hee) courteously accepts your offer (snort) to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her (haha) boy are you gonna get it now (giggle)."

MR. TIMID – “The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that’s OK with you, Steve. Really, you’ve got 17 hit points left and he has only 2. So you’ll be okay, OK?”

DEPALMA SCHOOL OF BLOOD AND GORE – “Your magic drill cleaves the demon’s skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement.”

GIBSON SCHOOL OF WRITING GRADUATES – “The view in the crystal ball was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel.”

VENGEFUL – “You won’t go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack Christine.”

AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your part.”

ANTI AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You die an ignoble death.”

THE STICKLER FOR DETAIL – “Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast, … and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive this fall.”

NO ORIGINALITY – “It’s a quest, see, you’re trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest II thought of this campaign myself.”

LEADING AND OVERBEARING – “You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red dragon’s lair to the west.”
“Too risky, we go to hear rumors somewhere else.”
“A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon’s lair for him.”
“We say no thank you and leave for the next village.”
“On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon’s lair…”

THE DUNGEON BUILDER – “The first door in the hallway opens onto a 20’x20’ room containing a griffon. The next room contains a party of orcs. The next contains a gelatinous cube. The next contains a couple giants…”

THE SCHMUCK – “Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I’ll let you have a 50% chance. Oh, Okay. 75% then.”

THE EXECUTIONER – “A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through his head.”

THE GHOUL – “That’s the 17th character you’ve rolled tonight? MWUHAHAHA.”

THE ABSOLUTE MONARCH – “The huge red dragon CAN fit through the little hole, because I SAID SO!”

THE GENEROUS MUNCHKIN – “Okay, now that you’ve killed that kobold, you open the treasure chests and find 100,000 gold pieces, 50,000 platinum pieces, and two hundred gems worth a million gold each. Oh, and a +20 vorpal sword. And before I forget, a Rod of Seven Parts, too.”

THE KILLER MUNCHKIN – “You guys are dead.”

THE WHINING MUNCHKIN – “But, but, you guys CAN’T do that! It’s my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaiiiiiil.”

THE DIE MODIFIER – “Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers you know.”

THE UNIMAGINITIVE TYPE – “You walk into the bar and see 30 mercenaries all wearing scale mail and carrying longswords. They all sit at separate tables.”

THE DESIGN ZEALOT – “I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to populate.”

THE STORYTELLER / SCRIPTER – He has the plot for the adventure all figured out, and you’re going to follow it come hell or high water.

THE PLANNER – He has everything for the adventure carefully planned and written out ahead of time. He has all the NPC stats and backgrounds, details, who will tell what, and so forth.

THE MAKE-IT-UP-AS-WE-GO – He comes in with a vague idea of what the PCs will run into today, and fills in the details as he goes along.

THE LITERAL TYPE – Player: “I wish joe had more lives.” GM: “Joe, you are now a schizophrenic.” Player: “What is the air speed of a swallow?” GM: “ African or European?”

THE SADIST – “Just then, 80 ancient huge red dragons descend on your party. They all breathe on you at once. What do you do now?”

THE SADIST WITH MASOCHISTIC PLAYERS – “Realizing that you are adventurers the 80 ancient huge red dragons kill themselves to prevent you from getting the experience for them (pre 2nd edition).”

GRADUATE OF THE BOB NEWHART SCHOOL OF DRY HUMOR – “okay, the sun goes nova and you are caught in the explosion. Everybody takes (rolls) nine thousand seven hundred and forty-eight points of fire damage from the plasma…. Save for half… What’d you roll? Oh, too bad.”

THE NICE TYPE – “Well, Bill, I don’t know how to tell you this. Your character is dead. Just like that. I’m really sorry, but you know, these things happen. ‘Man hath but a short time to live, and that full of sorrow.’ Look man, I know you’re hurting. If you want to tlak about it, we can take a break.”

MONTY PYTHON-ESQUE – “Oh no! The mutated potato monster sprays the party with a stream of Red-Hot Wolf Nipple Chips ™! Everybody takes zero damage, save vs. the heebie-jeebies or become frightened and explode!”

MR. FORGETFUL – “Okay you walk into the room. The orcs look up from their card game, much surprised to see anybody at this hour, and grab their …. What? You’ve already been through here and killed the orcs? Damn. Okay let’s try that again. You notice seven slaughtered orcs.”

MR. FLOWERY – “Oho! Methinks that the Purple Mage has waxed sorely pissed at they attempt to engulf him they vomitous Stinking Cloud dweomer! By my trow, he has, in his wroth, flung a Power Word Kill at thee, with a shout of ‘Have at thee vile knave!’ What dost thou doest now, brave adventurer?”

THE CHAOS KING – “Ok, the gnome got off his confusion spell. Everyone roll their actions as the 4 leprechauns chase 3 rust monsters into the camp. By the way, the two hobbits who you found tied to a tree earlier take this moment to change into doppelgangers and attack the princess you’re supposed to be guarding. You see all this clearly because the wagons in the caravan are burning from the arrows the orcs have fired at them. Who’s wearing armor, as you were all asleep?”

The 35 Types of Role Players

2006-01-12T12:36:00.002-05:00

This page gets a lot of traffic, so much that I thought I'd leave a link directing you to the types of Game Masters. Enjoy! Click here for the list of Game Masters.

This is a little note I have kept with myself for about thirteen or so years. I don't know who composed it. I have been an avid role player and game master for quite some time, and I always found this list humorous. If you're a game master, or player even, you're bound to find memories in that head of yours tied to the types on this list.

The 35 Types Of Players
author unknown

THE REAL MAN – “Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o’clock!! CHARGE!”

THE REAL ROLE PLAYER – “Don’t start yet! I need my two minutes to get properly into character.”

THE LOONY – “I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips.”

THE MUNCHKIN – “Five arch devils and two demigods? That’s ALL? I guess I’ll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter.”

THE COWARD – “Yikes! Three kobolds! Retreat! RETREAT!”

THE TROUBLEMAKER – “Just before the mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast “command – vomit” on him.”

THE NOVICE – “I just rolled a 2 on my “to-hit” roll. Did I want high or low?”

THE TACTICIAN – “The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage shall remain behind the door in preparation of a “sleep” spell, which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I shall…”

THE QUIET TYPE – “I dunno.. I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess.”

THE PUNSTER – “You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One… to cast “cure light.””

THE PC INFIGHTER – “Sinth’s been such a twit. I hit her in the face with my flail while she’s casting her “find familiar” spell.”

JOE-I-GOT-THE-RULES-DOWN-PAT – “No, if you look in the DMG, page 81, paragraph 5, you’ll find this spell won’t affect griffons.”

THE WHINER – “Three points? I take three points of damage?!”

THE BULLY – “Are you sure I don’t make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?”

Mr. GREEDY – “So it’s not evil? And it’s not attacking? So what! I want that xp!”

THE CHEATER – “I roll an… 18! It hits!” (quickly grabs dice)

THE CHASTISER – “And you didn’t see that trap coming? HAHA! Just how long did you say you’ve been playing this game?”

THE KAMIKAZE – “I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, I set off the ‘fire trap’ on all of my nine flasks of oil.”

THE GOOD ROLLER – “Oh looky here. An 03 percentile dice… If that door was trapped, I just found something.”

THE BAD ROLLER – “Oh, damn it all! Another critical fumble!”

THE BRAGGART – “The thought of you attacking me isn’t even interesting. I could get off a sleep spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath.”

THE REMINISCER – “Say, y’know, this is kind of like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lockpick an unlocked door.”

GOODY TWO SHOES – “Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can’t kill them when they’re asleep and can’t defend themselves.”

THE OVEROPTIMISTIC DAYDREAMER – “After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine or ten levels, I’m going to buy me the finest battle axe that money can buy.”

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN MAN – “Hmm? What? Oh, are we attacking now?”

THERMONUCLEAR MAN – “Alright, I swing at the orc with my bastard sword. (rolls) That’s a 2… +2 for strength… +3 for specialization, +2 for (and on and on). So that’s a 27. (sarcastic grin) Does it hit?”

THE GM HATER – the person who comes into the game and does his best to think of ways to react to a situation that the GM hasn’t. Having a pc who is slightly schizophrenic is a good excuse for this. NOTE: mixes really badly with the “storytelling” style of GM.

THE MINDLESS PLAYER – GM: “The gaping chasm stretches out before you. It is too far to jump across.” PLAYER: “I jump the chasm.”

THE CRYBABY – “you mean the big rock crushed me? My character’s dead? Really really dead? NOOOOOO!”

THE COWBOY – “II walk proudly up to the King and challenge him to a duel to the death. Oh yeah, I make sure to call him a wimp.”

THE WORRY WORT – “Okay, my mage is invisible, levitating thirty meters above the party, has a phantom armor and a stoneskin on him, a ring of fire resistance owrn, a minor globe of invulnerability up, (and on and on). Damn! I have a bad feeling about this!.” DM: Suddenly, a spellcaster appears in the hallway before you. Quickly gesturing in the direction of the invisible mage, he casts a spell… . Oh, my! Mr. worry wort has just plummeted thirty meters to the ground, to his death.

THE PSYCHO KILLER – DM: “okay, you open the door and you see –“ PK: “KILL KILL KILL!! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD! RAAAAAAAGHHH!”

THE CAVERN SHYSTER – “Oh, so the illusionary medusa I cast at the Archdemon Orcus doesn’t turn him to stone, does it? Well if you look at the spell description, it says right here that he gets no save, has no chance to disbelieve, and I made my magic resistance roll! What do you say to that?” DM: “Orcus is a demon lord. He eats medusae for breakfast. Amidst a hearty chuckle of laughter at your feeble attempt at illusion, he throws a thirty die lightning bolt at you. What do you say to that?”

THE PIG-EYED GLUTTON – “Now how do we go about carting off this 800 copper pieces? We’re already loaded down with the four suits of leather armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..”

THE MASOCHIST – “I stop running, turn around, slap the minotaur, and tell him to stop breathing down my neck."

How To Call Tech Support (Version 1.01)

2006-01-04T14:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know who wrote this, but I was given it back in 2001 when I worked for tier 1 and tier 2 tech support for internet cable. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and for all of you with similar jobs who know these questions and situations actually occur, I hope you don't burst your spleen laughing.

HOW TO CALL TECH SUPPORT (Version 1.01)
author unknown

0. LIST OF WHAT YOUR ISP (WE) SUPPORT:

0.0 We support all kinds of connections such as Dialup, Cable, DSL, Satellite, Wireless

0.0.1 Operating Systems: Windows 3.x/9x/2x/NT.x/XP/CE, Solaris, Red Hat Linux, OS/2, Unix, MacOs x.x, MSDOS, Novell DOS, Netware, Linux, SVR4, Bestix, Motorola, PalmOS 4x, Microwave 98, Microscope Windows 98.

0.0.1.1 Note that our software IS compatible with all systems mentioned above.

0.1 Latest games from Microsoft, Epic, Sierra, LucasArts, Captain Crunch serial software, Symantec, Electronic Arts, MTVMedia, Fox Interactive.

0.2 Programs depending on your Internet connection and programs requiring Internet, such as MS Office (versions 1.0 to
to 2000), MS Encyclopedia Offline edition, Star Office, Photo Express, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, MS Front Page (versions from 1.0 to 2000), Hotmail, Yahoo, and Beer.com

0.3 Programs that are essential for Internet such as: BONZI Buddy, WebCelerator, Sonic, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, BackOrifice, McAfee firewall (change settings to "disallow all"), Zone Labs Alarm (make sure that it is set to "Engage Internet Lock" by default).

**be aware that use of the programs listed above will never result in any of your Internet related problems, such as "Page Cannot Be Displayed", "Server Not Found", "TAPISERV Performed Illegal Function", "Reinstall Dialup Networking", or change of a home page to www.bonzi.com or http://ultraxxx.com.nl/over18, http://hotparty18.cz/billonline/ccvisa45135632133551", etc. But for some unexplained reason techs like to blame those programs.

0.4 For the full list of supported titles please go to http://www.download.com

0.5 We DO support NAPSTER and we will be pleased to help you burn an illegal CD from stolen songs.

0.5.1 Please note that to burn a CD you do not need a CD-RW drive; a normal CDROM drive will do, note also that NAPSTER has a built-in CD burning software.

0.6 We are here (at ISP technical support) not to troubleshoot and fix your problems, but we are here to help you learn that new program you just downloaded.

0.7 Support coverage is easy; ISP means Internet Service Provider, which means that we support everything that came through the Internet.

0.8 Hardware support offered on all models of printers, scanners, digital cameras, cat scanners, tape drives, external CD drives, CD-RW drives, wireless mice, touch pads, motherboards, fans, Palm Pilots, Pocket PCs, surge protectors, vacuum cleaners and calculators.

0.9 We can also help you read your spouse's email while they are away.

1.0 BEFORE CALLING TECH SUPPORT

1.1 Make sure that your computer is off, because you CANNOT have your computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. If you just received your computer please leave it in the original packaging, do NOT take it out of the box before calling tech support.

1.2 If computer is on, make sure that the monitor is disconnected from the tower or at least turned off.

1.3 Make sure that the computer is in a different room and your cord is not long enough to reach the keyboard. Don't even think to plug in your phone in the computer's phone jack because (once again) you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time.

1.4 If your computer is on, please launch as many applications as possible (preferred to do that until you get the message "out of memory. Please quit one of the running applications and try again."). You never know where a tech will take you, so to save time have all possible windows open (e.g. My Computer, Control Panel, Dial-Up Networking, Drive C, Windows, Temp). Best case scenario would be to call tech support during the lock-up.

1.5 Computer and monitor color coding are usually deceptive; it has nothing to do with system setup; do not attempt to
go through the setup by yourself; please call tech support and verify what should go where.

1.6 Never restart the computer before calling tech support.

1.7 Make sure that there are no pen and paper within your reach. You should never have to write something down, because you have a computer -- it will do it for you.

2. CONTACTING TECH SUPPORT

2.0 When we ask you what your phone number is we need the phone number that your compuuter is on right now, if it's a laptop and you are travelling now, just give tech support your motel number then.

2.1 If you have a serious problem like system crashes, out of memory, system freeze, illegal functions and lock-ups, please wait for about 2 to 3 weeks before calling; maybe the problem will go away by itself. Keep installing programs
mentioned above without any fear, install or uninstall will never cause any problems at all. If not, a tech will be able to fix it without the help of some fancy SCANREG DOS function.

2.2 Make sure that you contact the correct tech support center and get the proper department. Please not that our call
options are responding to your brain waves, not the keypad, so just press buttons randomly and you will get connected to the correct department right away. If however you were connected to an incorrect department, ignore the greeting and start on explaining what your problem is to the first live person who picks up the phone.

2.2.1 It is a good idea to ask for a senior tech right away; don't waste your time on those level 1 techs. They are there only to get your information and pass you to the higher level tech.

2.3 If you have a simple first and last name, please spell those out to the tech. If your name is not of English or American origin, do not spell it out. Our techs are able to spell last names like Sczherchijski and Khaschic by themselves.

2.4 If you are a resident alien and call the USA for tech support, after greeting us in English you can go ahead and speak Malay, Tagalong, Visayan, Ilocano, Cebuano, Mandarin, Bantu, Japanese, French, German, Klingon, etc. Every tech is trained in all fo these languages for your convenience!

2.5 Contact tech support from your office/your car/friends house/friend's car, you should remember that as described in 1.1 and 1.3 you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. Please note that all problems that you have we can fix without your assistance. We have remote access to your computer and will be glad to fix everything for you.

2.6 While on hold feel free to visit the bathroom, eat crunchy stuff, talk dirty to your boy/girlfriend or yell at your kids.

2.7 Do not give your contact information to any of the techs right away. First probe them with technical questions to determine if they are really who they claim they are.

3. PROBLEM DEFINITION AND TROUBLESHOOTING

3.1 Be advised that a tech can see the same picture on the computer screen that you do. Therefore there is no need to
elaborate on the problem. A short sentence like "I would like to put the Internet on my computer", "I cannot get to
the Internet" or better yet "It is not working" are more than enough for a tech to fix the problem.

3.2 Problems such as described in 2.0 could never be fixed with ScanDisk or Defrag, don't waste your time going through
those programs.

3.3 When going through the troubleshooting with a tech do NOT follow his directions blindly; he might be making fun of you going through all those steps. Make sure to click randomly without the tech's advice.

3.4 Remember that RIGHT click is a click perfomed by the RIGHT hand on the mouse button (it does not matter which button). Sometimes a tech will tell you to do a right click, but that he might mean left click, so do the one that you
feel is right.

3.5 Modem is a big gray box with a power button on it. Monitor is a fancy tech jargon word for TV-thingy.

3.6 If you have a child in the house who is helping you with the computer DO NOT bother letting the child talk to us. Instead do it yourself, we will be more than delighted to help you learn the secret of double LEFT clicking.

3.7 If you are getting missing .dll or .vxd file errors, please do not tell tech support what programs you installed or uninstalled recently. WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER IS YOUR OWN BUSINESS. A tech does not have to know anything. If asked directly deny any allegations of installing or uninstalling any programs.

3.8 When following tech's directions please do not tell a tech what you just did. The tech knows that you already clicked
OK, or typed what was needed. Just relax, keep silent and wait for further instruction.

3.9 If a tech asks you the question "What do you have on your screen now?" tell him what your wallpaer and icons look like. Please go through all the icons and spell out all the labels on them.

3.10 If you have a screen with the message "Click OK to Continue" or "Click Next" and those are the only available option ask your technician what you should do first.

3.11 Never write down error messages, a simple "does not work" statement is all the tech needs. Also remember that as in
3.1, a tech can see the same picture on your computer screen as you do.

3.12 If a tech asks you a question that can be answered by "yes" or "no," answer "OK" instead.

APPENDIX A
1. WHAT TECHS LIKE TO HEAR

1.1 A STATEMENT THAT "I'm not computer illiterate" is usually a very funny statement. Laugh every time you say it. A tech will have more compassion for you that way. Plus, that makes troubleshooting much easier.

1.2 For faster service please have a crying baby, yelling sister/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/cat/barking dog/bird or at least a TV with the volume all the way up in the background. We enjoy hearing those sounds.

1.3 If you cannot provide any of the following please use your cell by the radio or computer speakers so we can hear those nice feedback sounds.

1.4 Have no speakers or radio? That is not a problem! Drain your cell phone battery prior to the call and let us enjoy nice beeping sounds every three seconds.

1.5 Have no cell phone? Not a problem! Get a cordless phone from your neighbor across the street and turn the antenna to the opposite direction. No neighbor? Just yell at your kids randomly without covering the phone with your hand.

1.6 If you havve two phones at home call tech support with your spouse on the other phone so you can both get tech support at the same time. Plus, during the call you can discuss your own business if the tech is quiet enough. Talking at the same time is also useful; that gives the tech twice as much information in a shorter period of time.

1.7 To make sure that you are doing everything correctly ask tech support to repeat every sentence at least once. By doing that you will give him a chance to make sure that you are on the right track. Better yet, spell out everything that he asks you to type, no matter if it is your email address or your last name.

1.8 Ask "Are we there yet?" and "how much longer will this take?" every 20 to 30 seconds. A tech will be able to accelerate the troubleshooting process after hearing that.

1.9 During system reboot please ask the tech "Where are you guys located?", it is essential for further troubleshooting.

2.0 Life is short, don't waste it, you can eat dinner and talk to the tech at the same time.

2.1 If you are a lawyer, being "computer illiterate" doesn't matter. Reply to the tech with your professional jargon. It will be educational for the tech.

2.2 Our techs are all mature adults. Using profanity while on the phone is appreciated.

2.3 We are here not only to help you get connected but also to listen to your family problems, old jokes, personal preferences, your life and sex life.

2.4 Make sure that you hold the phone as close to your speakers as you can so the tech can hear the startup and shutdown sounds (please note that the volume should be all the way up).

2.5 Set up your sound scheme to Underwater so the tech can hear a toilet flush on every click.

APPENDIX B
1. BE AWARE

1.1 When you ask a tech for a good book on Windows98, the tech might reply "Windows98 for Dummies." Be aware! There are no such publications. The tech is simply insulting your intelligence.

1.2 If the tecch recommends "Learning Win98 Visually" hi implies you need a book with pictures because you are so stupid that you can't even read. Ask for a supervisor immediately!

1.3 Going through the Ctrl+Alt+Del and doing "End Task" will uninstall all those programs that you have there.

1.3.1 Ctrl+Alt+Del command will destroy your system. (FATBODY NOTE: no, with windows, your system was bought
already destroyed!)

1.4 Rebooting your computer means pressing the button on the TV-thingy and then turning it back on. Under no circumstances agree to turn off the big gray box, because hardbooting (cutting the power) will cause unrepairable damage to your hard drive.

1.5 Windows ME is the same as Windows 2000.

1.6 It is our duty as a tech support representative to listen to your complaints regarding billing and shipment issues.

1.7 It is our responsibility to reimburse you the $400 phone bill which is a result of browsing "pay by phone" porno sites.

1.8 Your desktop has a picture of hardcore porno close-up, your home page is set to http://www.humpmebaby.com, you have a comet cursor logo at the bottom of your screen and your mouse arrow looks like a penis with two eyes...This is the result of a Windows glitch, not your horny 13 year old son.

1.9 IF your system runs at 10% free resources one of the techs might suggest to take out any of the 31 icons from your
system tray and about 50 from the startup folder. Do not fall for this because you USE IT and your computer is top of the line and should be able to handle those fine.

2.0 Most of the times username/password problems are on our end. Leaving the CAPS LOCK on has nothing to do with it.

2.1 Your windows network username and password ARE THE SAME as your ISP username and password.

2.2 "@" is shorthand for typing in "at" in email addresses. Don't use @. Go ahead and type "at."

2.2.1 To send an email to the webmaster of the website put the full website address in the "TO" field (e.g. http://www.peoplepc.com).

2.2.1.1 When sending your family fresh scanned photos make sure that those have at least 600dpi resolution and the size is not below 640X480. To save yourself time send all 20 files together.

2.2.1.1.1 Your mail with attached pictures will go off your outbox in a couple of seconds. It should not take much time on your 28.8K dialup either.

2.2.2 Our incoming mail server is POP3 and outgoing is SMTP (as is clearly indicated in the Outlook Express Account
Creation Wizard).

2.3 Your computer has 2 phone outlets, you can use either one of them to connect to the internet.

2.4 All recent models of computers have wireless modems; there is no need to plug the telephone cord into them.

2.5 Modems will function normally even if the telephone line is down.

2.5.1 "No answer" error and random disconnections have nothing to do with the static on the phone line, even if you can barely hear the tech.

2.6 If you are getting "No Dialtone" errors while trying to connect to the Internet and you are speaking with tech support at the same time on the same line please let them troubleshoot this as a separate connectivity issue.

2.7 After deleting essential parts of the netstac or registry tell the tech "My 4 year old son did it." This will make a tech have more compassion for you.

2.8 We got a lot of questions where some keys are located on the keyboard. To make it easier to use we printed a scheme of the keyboard. On the reverse side of this manual you will find a chart with locations of some of the most popular buttons such as: close, next, back, return, space, maximize, minimize, Start, Cancel, OK, Yes, No, and the all-time favorite "any" key.

2.9 New generation printers are all "plug-n-play". There is no need to use a CD which came in the package labelled:
"Printer Setup Disk."

3.0 "Non-system Disk" or "Boot Disk Error" is a server problem. Do not attempt to fix this by yourself. The floppy inside does not have anything to do with it. DENY that you have a floppy in the drive for as long as possible.

3.1 DVD disk is a new version of CD disk and therefore will work in a regular CD-ROM.

3.2 There is a built in radio in your CPU (CPU is a fancy tech jargon word for big gray box modem thingy).

3.3 CD-ROM Drive is not a cup holder. It is too small for mugs and will only fit paper cups. This is actually an ashtray.

3.4 Your computer comes with built in voice recognition software and hardware, refer to it as if you are talking to your friend.

3.5 The correct position for your task bar is on the right side, vertical.

3.5.1 The task bar changes its location and size randomly by itself.

APPENDIX D
WARRANTY UPDATES
1.1 Based on the increasing demand of replacement parts the following is now covered by the warranty:
-- Spilled water/coffee/tea/vine/urine on the keyboard, as a replacement you will get a new waterproof keyboard.
-- Acts of God or other supreme power such as: your urge for distruction, your kids, pets, and co-workers.
-- Mouse cleaning: including ball exchange, dust-cleaning, hair removal, and vinegar dips.

Good Times

2006-01-04T14:26:00.000-05:00

For a few posts i'm going to reprint some things that i have carried with me for years. Please note that I personally composed none of these works; when I know the name of the author, I will include it. If YOU know the name of the author and I don't, comment the name so the author gets her proper notariety.

The Lie That Is Iraq

2005-12-26T13:32:00.000-05:00

My brother has a good friend, an expatriot from Iraq, who has since gone back to his home country to help rebuild it after the toppling of Saddam. He has written back a lot, and what he says is quite different than what you see on TV. Don't die of a heart attack when you realize that what you see on TV isn't real. Didn't your momma teach you don't believe everything you see?

He's getting his US citizenship. He loves this country; all he has to do now is take the oath. Here is what he says about Iraq.

The people there love what we did for them. They do not protest. They do not complain. They are at peace. Sure there are hot spots where soldiers die. But they are only hot spots. The comparison was made that it closely resembles Los Angeles. White people don't go into Compton at night. They just don't. It's the same way in places in Iraq. But for the most part, the people are at peace.

Also when they say on the news "Yes, we want the U.S. to get out of our country" it isn't because they think they've been victimized or invaded. It's because they are ready to govern themselves again, or at least try to, and they're expressing their belief that the work of the U.S. is done.

After two successful elections, their government is quickly on the way to recovery. And hopefully this Iraqi friend can take both my brother and me to see the ruins of Babylon. We would like that. But for now, he says, white people don't walk the streets of Compton at night.

So Babylon is going to have to wait, for now.

And to Saddam's complaints that he doesn't have a park to walk in and exercise while he's in jail, tell that to the families of the people he gassed and threw into mass graves. He should be glad he's still alive.

Miranda On A Milkbox

2005-12-26T13:23:00.000-05:00

Ok i don't even know if that's how you properly spell miranda, but i don't really care. What I do care about is this government of mine continually eroding away my civil liberties because of a fart and a whim.

What is up with this new "law" by our wonderful president saying that wiretaps can be used without a warrant? Oh rest assured they'll only be used if there's reason to do so. HEY WAKE UP AMERICA! THATS THE WAY THE LAW ALREADY WAS! Ever hear of probable cause? Proving to a judge that you know someone might be up to something so you get a warrant to investigate further?

They claim that they don't have time to get a warrant. BULLSHIT. What they are saying is their intelligence sucks so bad they want to be able to stop a guy when they pick up an errant signal on a cell phone that says "OH MY GOD I"M READY, PUSH THE BUTTON!" People don't plan to bomb things then go and do it before the end of the commercial break. COME ON, GEORGE! GET YOUR CRONIES TO TELL BETTER LIES!

And scan this email. I dare you. Come give me problems. Give me MORE reasons to run my mouth. That diarrhea isn't stopping, and you ain't got enough immodium to shut me up. Try me.

Conspiracy Theory #245, Version 2.1

2005-12-26T13:15:00.000-05:00

Ok. Everybody gather 'round, cause i got something to say. We live in a world where corporate entities rule. They make their own laws, and do what they can to subjugate the populace into a state of mindless slavery, walking from point to point as sheep being led to shearing. Or cows to slaughter. Whatever is easier for you to imagine.

No, I'm not talking about enron, george bush, or drilling in alaska. I'm talking about comcast cable.

They, like every other internet, tv, phone, or similar service, are all in on this.

This is what they do. The first thing you get when you call in is "press 1 if you are an existing customer, press 2 if you are seeking to add services". This is where they get you. If you press 2, you go straight to a current queue where a csr will answer your call as soon as possible. Why? cause they want to look good enough for you to sign a contract, give them money, and get pushed into the limbo of being a subscriber.

Because what happens is simple. Once they have you hooked, and say you have a problem with your service, the minute you press 1 on that menu, you get thrown into the bottomless pit of calls on hold.

And you're on hold, for hours and hours.

And you can't cancel your service, because you have to press 1 to get that far, and then you're on hold. Because if you're on hold, you can't cancel, and you still have to pay.

That's the corporate service limbo trap.

I've seen it everywhere. Comcast does it. Bellsouth did it. Insight cable, who I used to work for, did it.

And then if you go to the only local paycenter (cause you don't want to call michigan) they tell you they only accept payments and can't add or delete service.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Snake Blisken were around to send us all into a technological dark age. POWER TO THE PEOPLE! Don't worry comcast, I got my two cups and string. It is more reliable than your service. Trust me.

Carpenters' 759 Performs Brain Surgery

2005-12-26T13:02:00.000-05:00

Ok. What is it with company outsourcing? I think that's what they call it. You know it looks like a good idea on paper, but in reality, THIS IDEA IS SHIT!

I am, to use a cliché, sick and tired of having to talk to some handjob in alabama or michigan to get something done in my own hometown. HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON 3000 MILES AWAY?

EXAMPLES:

We had fast access dsl by bellsouth installed when we first moved in. I think yes, we talked to some drooling retard (no offense to real retards) in alabama. A yes woman.

Sure... they can install it. Sure.. there's no problem. Sure, I can't find east tennessee on a map, but sure, we'll get it done.

They install it. We had the service for one week and the damn thing never worked. Now i like to consider myself somewhat technologically savvy in the internet category (seeing as it was my job) and i was taking it personally that i couldn't get the damn thing to work. So i called bellsouth, finally got through and someone did a netsniff and found the signal dying very badly in my neighborhood. So she scheduled a technician, from michigan. or alabama? Who knows.

So the technician came out, came right to my door, knocked, and said "i'm sorry sir but this service just isn't going to work here." He told me the way the infrastructure is lain, the main trunk is less than 100 yards from my house, but the branch goes 3000 out of the way before it comes back to me. So I guess drunk one eyed morons with no depth perception and sense of direction lay lines for bellsouth. I mean what kind of moron designs like that. And we say we are superior beings. Let me tell you, walking upright doesn't go very far when paired against designs like this.

Well i called bellsouth to cancel the service. The lady asks me, why sir, if i may ask, are you cancelling it? I said "cause the damn thing doesn't work." She asked how I knew that, and i told her the bellsouth technician told me so. She was surprised he had said that, and was feeling really guilty because she had no idea they had that problem in my area. I told her not to worry about it, because how could she know we had that line problem? SHE'S 2000 MILES AWAY!

I think they do this on purpose, that way they can give you shoddy workmanship, string you on for a few months payment, then not get you to disconnect because you can't even get through. More on this theory in the next post.

But anyways, I just wonder when my surgery is going to be subcontracted. I think it would be great to be spackled up by a carpenter instead of stitched up by a surgeon. Maybe I can get a catalytic converter installed instead of lungs. Who knows.

Things like this make me want to read old mary worth comics.

United Van Lines Sucks!

2005-12-26T12:52:00.000-05:00

Ok. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever use United Van Lines to move your stuff. That is if you want to keep it. Let me elaborate.

First the packers come. They are supposed to arrive at 8 am. They arrive at 10. They pack up every thing in your house, including dirt you have not swept up and any dead bugs that might be in your garage or god forbid your cabinet. They don't know how to read. I had signs up that read "do not remove what is in this cabinet", and the packer would point to the sign and say... "stuff in here go?"

They take smoking breaks every ten minutes, turning a four hour packing job into 16. They take things they aren't supposed to take. I pointed to my circular saw, said clearly DO NOT TAKE THIS, and they packed it and put it on the truck. I told them, DO NOT PACK THE LAWNMOWER. We have an electric lawnmower. They left it, sure enough, but took the damn key out of it and packed and sent it, leaving me with an unuseable lawnmower. IDIOTS!

They took our futon. This is not a walmart special futon; this futon came from a furniture store, is made of solid oak, and cost upwards of 700 bucks. Well after they got away with it they decided to try to take it apart. The idiots didn't know what they were doing, and tore the wooden supports apart, breaking bolts in the wood, cracking the wood. It's like instead of doing a simple screw technique, they got some bodybuilder to rip the boards apart.

And get this. Because they FORCED ME to sign away that they would only pay 60 cents per pound for lost or damaged articles, and my homeowners SHOULD pay the rest, and my homeowners deductible is greater than 700 dollars, NO ONE WILL REPLACE THE FUTON. So they basically broke the shit out of my stuff, and I HAVE TO PAY to fix it.

And now so I will get this blog to come up when someone googles for united van lines, I will now type united van lines one hundred times! DONT USE UNITED VAN LINES!

united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines

ok not 100 times. Maybe that's enough.

Asshats.

Been Gone

2005-12-26T12:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry about not posting lately, but I've been really busy. Now that I'm moved, I have lots of things to rant about. I'll put them in separate posts. Enjoy the venom.

Sacred Unity

2005-10-02T12:55:00.000-04:00

Lately, because my wife and I are unfortunately separated while I fix our old house up for sale, people have been asking me, "so, do you miss her?"

What kind of idiotic self deserving redneck foolish dumbass question is that?

I guess people today live in such a world of dishonor and infidelity that they've forgotten that people still do marry because they actually like each other.

That's one reason why I'm for gay marriage. If we let gays marry, maybe then we can restore some sacred honor to the union.

Yeah. Choke on the irony.

Misplaced Agression

2005-09-14T10:33:00.000-04:00

Something has been bothering me lately.

See, recently i know of some peeps that got a divorce. These peeps were very close to me. Seems person A in the divorce was unhappy with person B, and said that after all their years of marriage person A never was happy, hated person B, told everyone about how bad person B was, destroyed person B's reputation with many of person B's friends in town irrevocably, and continues to complain about person B's role in person A's marital disatisfaction and blames person B for the disunion.

Now here's the kicker. Person A and B also have a child, who I will name Clara. Clara is a very dear friend of mine, and Clara tried her best to help person A and person B work out their differences (yeah that was wrong but Clara thought it was her duty at the time). Now listen to this: Person A gets all wigged out over Clara's need to talk about the pain and try to work things out, so person A and Clara have a big emotional fight and sever their communications.

Time passes. Person A and Clara tried once to work things out, but it failed. After that, there was no communication. NOTHING. NADA. NO WORDS. NO ACTS.

Now here's what I just don't get. After a couple years, person A has many times trespassed on person B's property (person A has given up all rights and privileges to the property in the settlement) and person B clearly does NOT want person A there. Yet person A continues to try to make amends: person A leaves gifts for person B, person A calls person B on the telephone. Person B has since remarried and has a new family.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?!

Wouldn't you think that after several decades of an unhappy marriage where you just totally hated your spouse, never was happy, had NO GOOD MEMORIES (direct from the horse's mouth), and totally demonized and destroyed someone's reputation... wouldn't you think this person (person A) would just leave person B THE HELL ALONE?

And further, why would person A continue to bait and taunt Clara by telling her person A can only allot 30 minutes on a freaking phone call to try to make amends because person A has been HURT too much by CLARA? And even then, to tell Clara that person A has spent 2,000 dollars on therapy "just cause person A loves Clara?"

GIVE ME A #*%KING break!

IS THERE SOME DISPLACED ANGER HERE?

and lets not forget the close to 10k CLARA and CLARA's spouse spent on therapy to get through her parent's problems, not counting the missed paychecks from work leave because of the emotional turmoil this crap caused.

in this day and age 2,000 dollars, in the world of therapy, is NOTHING. that's like a month of sessions. That is, unless you're paying 10 bucks a session to some half-wit half-rate "empath" who gives you a license to do whatever the hell you want just to keep you coming in and giving money. Is there a formal degree on that counselor's wall? I doubt it.

And why even be so hesitant to make amends with your own child, when AFTER YOUR LIFE WAS DESTROYED by your spouse you're so hot and bothered to set things right with him/her?

THIS STUFF JUST DON'T ADD UP.

Why isn't person A trespassing on Clara's property to make amends? Where's the phone calls? Are two conversations where you tried to make amends more hurtful and destructive than ~four freaking decades of marriage with a "MONSTER"?

Can anyone explain this to me?

The God That Failed

2005-09-12T12:13:00.000-04:00

Seems that old bonehead Abu Musab al-Zarqawi posted an audio message on an Islamic (terrorist) website stating that the hurricane Katrina disaster on the gulf coast was an answer to the prayers of Iraqis and Afghans who have suffered under U.S. occupation...

all I've got to say is...

Is that the best your god can do? I mean come on! No fireballs from heaven? No earthquakes? No plagues? No visions of avatars striking our citizens blind?

I guess when their way of life is destroyed, their god only cares enough to push around a few poor people on the coast and wipe out the Big Easy? Wouldn't you think their fanatical crazy half wit "bring death to all infidels" dashboard Allah would rain holy fire down upon all of us?

Don't get me wrong here. There are good muslims everywhere. I'm only pointing booger-coated fingers at the crazy nutjobs. And yes, before anybody wastes their breath and spit flaming I know there are nutjobs in every religion. But this is one of the nasty-muslim posts. Nasty-christian, nasty-buddhist, nasty-hindu, nasty-druid, and nasty-whatever posts will come later. But with all decent Allah fearing muslims aside, seems if that's all that Zarqawi's god can do then I want a refund. I was looking forward to my 70 virgins in the afterlife. But if he can't pay for a good miracle, how can he pay for 70 clean virgins?

Rosemary Is For Rememberance

2005-09-11T11:05:00.000-04:00

Well we all know what day this is. We all know we have to remember it. We all know why. Maybe starting a blog for myself on this day might help me cope. What? I still need to cope? Four years and I still need to cope? Of course I do. How can I go on when my gov't keeps telling me to be afraid. Yeah go out and have fun, just duck when you see the flash or hear the siren. Give me a break.

Lots of people dead, and what have we got to show for it? A bunch of dented armor and beat-up humvees, and blackhawk helicopters that you couldn't get half price for at a farm auction. The bodies might not be piling up as quickly, but really, how do we know? We only know what they tell us. But for those of us with a brain, this war looks all too familiar. Too damn familiar.

That's what happens when you throw your food off the high chair just cause you're mad. It hits the floor, and you can't eat it. So what do you do? You scream. You scream and hope mommy or daddy will give you new food. But there's no mommy or daddy here, and our food is attracting flies.

And all this for those brave souls who died at the WTC. I don't know about you, but after I'm dead, I hope my president doesn't destroy a country because of it. Well he wouldn't anyway since I don't own an oil field, but I'm just saying, even though it sounds cool and all, 1,000 people to my one death just ain't worth it. I don't care if they DID crap all over me and set me on fire.

Well, how many people died on 9/11/01? I'm not trivializing it: it was a tragedy. But what about the next tragedy? 1,500 plus american troops dead? Isn't that a tragedy? OH NO, people say. THAT'S THEIR JOB. Actually, no it isn't. Last time I checked, they were not defending the borders of their respective states. The unfortunate thing is half of them are so afraid to stand up and say anything about it, or are too brainwashed to do anything about it. Just like the rest of the corn-fed populace in the stable.

What about these poor folks on the Gulf Coast? Isn't that a tragedy? Probably not, since they were non-whites (yes, I agree with the New Orleans mayor). President Bush in his operation do-over tried to make it look like he cared, but what could he do? Well what would you expect? Twin towers got attacked and he sat and read a book about a goat, upside down I might add, to kids. What more can we expect?

At least Al Gore paid out of his own pocket to fly peeps out of there. Good for him. I guess Bush couldn't do that though, cause after running three or more companies into bankruptcy your credit just ain't that good. Well, what credit the man has. I mean, I'd trust him to ruin something, or tear down something, but to be creative? Not unless it's finding new creative ways to fail.

I was expecting Pat Robertson to get on his high horse and say that New Orleans asked for what it got because of the sins of Mardi Gras. I guess he knew better, after he got in trouble for asking people to pray that our liberal judges on the Supreme Court died. Yeah yeah he said later that he didn't mean that, but give me a break. How else can you replace judges? Sure they can retire, but do they? Historically? Come on pat, just own up to the responsibility. Get some balls and support your argument. Be like your other buddy, the other Pat. Pat Buchanan. At least he's got the nerve to make a stand.

I was glad to see the Onion report that the Louisiana National Guard was helping in the rescue of people by calling in 911 from Iraq. When Bush said he was sending in "regulars" to help in disaster relief, I thought, REGULARS? Shouldn't they be the ones dodging bullets and disarming mines in the fertile crescent? Well what more can I expect? I'm not trying to insult the National Guard, but when it comes to conquering a country, wouldn't you send your regular army, and not the people who just do it 2 weeks out of the year so they can get a good college fund and benefits? Hmmm... maybe that's why we've taken so many losses in that war. But then I don't really know. Are we losing that war, you think? What is the price for an election going to be?

Freedom Of Ranting and Raving

2005-09-11T10:28:00.000-04:00

Some people call it Freedom of Speech, but it seems in today's society the freedom doesn't really exist. Well, here it does. This is my blog so I can say whatever the hell I want, and if nobody likes the diatribes of Captain Fatbody, then they can simply click away, or as I like to say, CLICK OFF. Anyone can reply or comment on posts, but if you flame, just know that I'll simply flame you back, and probably make you cry. Please direct all verbal assaults toward me, not to other people simply commenting on posts.

Again, if you don't like this, just leave. Chances are I wouldn't have liked you anyway.