I apologize ahead of time if anyone is offended by the language near the end. What would one expect from Samuel L. Jackson? Wait. No I don't.
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Star Wars: The Phantom Menace - Abridged
by Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations
with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it
trades with other planets is certainly an
important enough topic
to be the entire plot of
a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now?
My evil, obviousry Asian race
must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi.
Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.
EXT. NABOO
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR
Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general direction of JAR JAR, but not really staring at him)
I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming.
Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you
to the land from which I have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes that JAR JAR toys aren't selling well enough.
JAR JAR (cont'd)
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa meant to
saysa Weesa can go back to Jamaica
mon, okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right above JAR JAR)
Good. Do you have a hotel room for
me and Liam? We have.. uh.. Jedi
business to attend to.
JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE
Die. Die, JAR JAR. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far this time.
I will tell the senate and you will be in a
lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no. I'm Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at
the time. The voice changes don't help
you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids,
capture the queen.. or Padme...
er.. just capture everyone!
LIAM and EWAN and f&$k, JAR JAR too, take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute!
NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD
I'm the only one disturbed by the fact
that I'm gonna bone you in
Episode Two?
LIAM NEESON
JAKE, I need you to have a pod
race so I can get the parts I
need and free you.
JAKE'S MOM
No. I won't allow him to pod
race. He'll get hurt.
(pause)
JAKE'S MOM
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
They pod race. It looks REALLY COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of this
scene. Uh.. buy it! Hey, I had
to sacrifice a part of my grand vision
for these movies to include a part that
could be turned into a game,
so buy it or I'll do it even
more in Episode Two.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking of
stuff I'm just making up, how do
you like the midichlorian bullshit I
pulled out of my ass?
They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON
I want to train the boy.
YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is.
Clouded his future seems.
Vague my worries are.
LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He
will bring balance to the force.
I'm training him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What
the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass?
I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be
a fuckin' bad ass in the next two
fuckin' movies, you know.
My toy has a fuckin' lightsaber!
LIAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head
and train him myself, then.
So there.
He exits.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID
Damn, I'm evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T.! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.
EXT. NABOO
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now.
Regardless, your cheesy-looking race
of annoying, unrealistic characters need
to ally with our badly acting race of
creatures so we can capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film revolves
entirely around us capturing one,
pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't
that make this whole thing kinda
pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than the fact
that this entire film revolves around taxes
on trade and the cutting off of
one pathetic little planet half-filled
with annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
Finally, DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.
Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care.
Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.
Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell)
Grrrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter
and there is little question you could
kick pretty much anyone's ass.
DARTH MAUL
Muahahahahahaha
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
EXT. SPACE
JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaa! I'm in space! Now
this is pod racing!
Yippee! Uh oh!
Man, I'm so cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave, Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.
AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this
celebration has convinced me that the tiny,
pathetic problem that has been taken care
of is actually really significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.
GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers. I'd make them come
out sooner but I work very hard on my
films, as I am an independent filmmaker due
to my disgust with Hollywood's
commercialism. Now go buy
some Star Wars toys!
END
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