One of the things that really pushes my buttons is when people just plain don't think. Now I understand being stubborn. I of all people know I can get my mind on something or get an idea in my head and see how far it takes me. What I don't like is when people claim they are thinking, claim they are tolerant, claim they are understanding, and then get so intolerant, hard-headed and stubborn that you wonder "what are they thinking?"
This kind of behavior only bothers me when it comes from someone of repute, someone trusted with the responsibility to not act this way. If I were to get upset at every instance of this behavior, i'd be mad at every person alive, including myself, constantly.
Here is an example. There's this new controversy in the Christian community concerning a Gospel of Judas. It seems that this gospel, considered Gnostic, was thrown out in the old days because it was believed that Judas was an incarnation of evil and therefore couldn't write a gospel. The belief has continued through the ages to the present day. Judas is the great betrayer. Judas is Satan incarnate. Judas is the man who betrayed and "killed" Jesus.
This is where I believe the people who hold a grudge against Judas need to stop and think. The Gospel of Judas claims that Judas' betrayal of Jesus was actually against his will, and that Jesus practically "put him up to it." For some reason this idea appears to many to be inconceivable. So inconceivable that they get very, very angry.
Why?
Stop and think. Without Judas, there would have been no arrest. With no arrest, no trial. With no trial, no condemnation. With no condemnation, no sentence and crucifixion. With no death, no resurrection. Judas' betrayal of Jesus is instrumental in completing the great plan of salvation. What is the problem with this? And why should we be mad at Judas? Shouldn't we be happy? Wouldn't his involvement in the plan and the fact that he took the brunt of the blame make him a hero?
And even if Jesus didn't put him up to it, how do we know that God wasn't in one of the "harden pharoah's heart" moods when Judas sought Jesus in betrayal? No matter how you look at it, I don't think there's any basis to hold a grudge against Judas for his involvement in Jesus' death.
It isn't the fact that people don't think about these things that anger me. It's the fact that people responsible for guiding others can shrug off ideas like this one out of plain stubborness or fear. It isn't hard to admit, "that is an interesting point, and can be quite possible." Instead they continue breeding hate against a man who's actions were necessary to bring about their own eternal life. You don't have to agree with the point. Just admit the possibility. This idea is more believable than Jesus orbiting the planet as we speak, resting in a spaceship, waiting for the passage of a governmental law.
And this is only one example. :(
Monday, April 10, 2006
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Beneath The Looking Glass
I decided to post about some things that make me tick. Maybe it will help others understand me more? I don't know. We'll see how it works out. I'll start the analysis soon, and the next couple of posts will be all about what horrors haunt this web-infested cerebral cavity of mine.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Disclaimer In Progress
Ok I have to clear something up. The below post, entitled "which has more value, a grasshopper or your sister" has been renamed to "the roots of mystery."
I did this because the naming of the post was in error and was actually giving off the wrong impression of my argument about how modern day buddhists have strayed from the original teachings.
In the post I state that the premise is to protect all life because it is sacred, so no life is worth more than the life of another.
The point of the post is to get some people into thinking-cap mode so that they can be built to the point of understanding that in most cases, like it or not, change is good.
I still feel that a happy medium can be achieved between war and peace. Many modern day buddhists have come to this point. The monks used to fight in defense; there was a time when they were corrupted and lost their way but that wound healed with time.
I did this because the naming of the post was in error and was actually giving off the wrong impression of my argument about how modern day buddhists have strayed from the original teachings.
In the post I state that the premise is to protect all life because it is sacred, so no life is worth more than the life of another.
The point of the post is to get some people into thinking-cap mode so that they can be built to the point of understanding that in most cases, like it or not, change is good.
I still feel that a happy medium can be achieved between war and peace. Many modern day buddhists have come to this point. The monks used to fight in defense; there was a time when they were corrupted and lost their way but that wound healed with time.
Raging Bacteria
Ok thanks to the doctor this flu I've had for a week and six days feels like it might be on the way to the door. It has toyed with me during this illness though, so I'm a bit worried that it leaving is just a ruse. I also feel bad because it's hit my wife too, and she's got the cast-iron immune system and never gets sick. The doctor gave her pills too and she's looking a bit better, although she won't admit it.
So maybe soon I'll get back to spewing venom, but for now I still need rest... and I'm still helping take care of the wife.
So maybe soon I'll get back to spewing venom, but for now I still need rest... and I'm still helping take care of the wife.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
The Roots of Mystery
I have some Buddhist friends, and much of the philosophy appeals to me. I don’t like it when they take it so far as to worship Buddha as a god, but I can agree with the philosophy, well most of it.
What I have trouble with is this whole passive I-wont-lift-a-hand-in-protest modern day approach to violence. I respect the theory behind it: life is sacred, and killing anything is wrong. Some go so far as to not kill bugs, or eat meat, but still eat plants (which they don’t think is killing because a plant isn’t respected as a reincarnate).
But this is what I don’t get. To me, allowing yourself to die in protest is killing yourself. You allow yourself to die. Sure, you didn’t kill yourself, but you allowed yourself to be killed, which to me is the same thing.
None of us were around to hear the Dharma firsthand, but one would think that allowing for ritual suicide was not part of the curricula for escaping suffering.
Nearly 1,000 years after Sidhartha (The Buddha) established his philosophical approach, a Buddhist named Ba Tuo spread the teachings into China and built the first Shaolin monastery.
A teacher named (by the Chinese) Ta Mo brought Ch’an Buddhism to China and came upon the Shaolin Ssu temple. Finally he, after several years of meditation outside the temple, is said to have been let inside. He saw the monks were weak and needed skilled training in meditation and physical arts.
You see where this was going. Soon after the Shaolin kung-fu monk was born. The temple was not poor and was often attacked by peasant armies, and the monks would often be called to defend the monastery and travelers from bandits.
This was all taught and sanctioned by the first Buddhist temple in China. Ta Mo is considered one of the brightest Buddhist teachers from India for his time. These men devoted their lives to physical training for the defense of the weak. This is not indicative of passive resistance.
So now we bring this full circle. The accepted Buddhist tradition of passive resistance is, to me, contrary to what the Buddhists originally taught.
Instead of letting oneself be slain so that a praying mantis won’t get squashed beneath the boot of an overanxious Chinese soldier, the monks of today, in my opinion, need to re-embrace the teachings of the Shaolin Ssu temple, and fight back the oppressors that destroy the lives of their kin in Tibet.
I don’t care if the Chinese army has 1 billion bloodcrazed soldiers. The Law of Conservation of Ninjas applies here. The Chinese army doesn’t stand a chance.
What I have trouble with is this whole passive I-wont-lift-a-hand-in-protest modern day approach to violence. I respect the theory behind it: life is sacred, and killing anything is wrong. Some go so far as to not kill bugs, or eat meat, but still eat plants (which they don’t think is killing because a plant isn’t respected as a reincarnate).
But this is what I don’t get. To me, allowing yourself to die in protest is killing yourself. You allow yourself to die. Sure, you didn’t kill yourself, but you allowed yourself to be killed, which to me is the same thing.
None of us were around to hear the Dharma firsthand, but one would think that allowing for ritual suicide was not part of the curricula for escaping suffering.
Nearly 1,000 years after Sidhartha (The Buddha) established his philosophical approach, a Buddhist named Ba Tuo spread the teachings into China and built the first Shaolin monastery.
A teacher named (by the Chinese) Ta Mo brought Ch’an Buddhism to China and came upon the Shaolin Ssu temple. Finally he, after several years of meditation outside the temple, is said to have been let inside. He saw the monks were weak and needed skilled training in meditation and physical arts.
You see where this was going. Soon after the Shaolin kung-fu monk was born. The temple was not poor and was often attacked by peasant armies, and the monks would often be called to defend the monastery and travelers from bandits.
This was all taught and sanctioned by the first Buddhist temple in China. Ta Mo is considered one of the brightest Buddhist teachers from India for his time. These men devoted their lives to physical training for the defense of the weak. This is not indicative of passive resistance.
So now we bring this full circle. The accepted Buddhist tradition of passive resistance is, to me, contrary to what the Buddhists originally taught.
Instead of letting oneself be slain so that a praying mantis won’t get squashed beneath the boot of an overanxious Chinese soldier, the monks of today, in my opinion, need to re-embrace the teachings of the Shaolin Ssu temple, and fight back the oppressors that destroy the lives of their kin in Tibet.
I don’t care if the Chinese army has 1 billion bloodcrazed soldiers. The Law of Conservation of Ninjas applies here. The Chinese army doesn’t stand a chance.
Politics 101
Okay, it appears that I’ve been trashing George W. Bush a lot lately. Well it’s true, I have. But I’ve gotten some messages that have prompted me to address something important, something I’ve failed to get through to some of the bricked up minds out there.
People, understand this. I AM NOT A DEMOCRAT. I am not a republican. I am registered to vote, but I pay more attention to platforms than parties, and more importantly, to what people do once elected when following up on their campaign promises.
I have nothing against Republicans. I have everything against George W. Bush. But understand also, I have just as many gripes against Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Martha Lane Collins, Antonin Scalia, and whoever gets in front of 4 billion people and says one thing only to do a totally different thing later.
I happen to hate politicians and nut job false preachers (e.g. Pat Robertson) more than I hate Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, and that’s why I spend most of my time complaining about politics.
So, for all you people telling me to “fight the man” and dethrone the Bush dynasty, please, by all means, attach a bag of cement to yourselves and jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
And before I get any anti-Christian flames, understand also that I have utmost respect for some ministers. Those I respect I call ministers, those I despise I call preachers, because all they do is get up and preach at you, they don’t communicate.
People, understand this. I AM NOT A DEMOCRAT. I am not a republican. I am registered to vote, but I pay more attention to platforms than parties, and more importantly, to what people do once elected when following up on their campaign promises.
I have nothing against Republicans. I have everything against George W. Bush. But understand also, I have just as many gripes against Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Martha Lane Collins, Antonin Scalia, and whoever gets in front of 4 billion people and says one thing only to do a totally different thing later.
I happen to hate politicians and nut job false preachers (e.g. Pat Robertson) more than I hate Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, and that’s why I spend most of my time complaining about politics.
So, for all you people telling me to “fight the man” and dethrone the Bush dynasty, please, by all means, attach a bag of cement to yourselves and jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
And before I get any anti-Christian flames, understand also that I have utmost respect for some ministers. Those I respect I call ministers, those I despise I call preachers, because all they do is get up and preach at you, they don’t communicate.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Motel Hell
Time to gripe. I have been in San Francisco, California, for about 18 hours, and I already hate this hotel. I am staying at the Sir Francis Drake hotel on powell street, in the heart of the city. The hotel is costing us about 120 bucks a night, and is highly billed as being one of the classiest hotels around.
Yeah right.
First of all, sure there's pretty chandeliers and marble pillars. It's great that i can hang the "do not disturb" sign on the door and actually not have housekeeping barge in on me. Oh and it has a working toilet and running water.
Here is what I don't like:
1) the hotel advertises free high speed wireless access in each room. At best I can get 190 kilobytes per second, and the connection times out after 2 minutes of inactivity. So by the time you've read the web page you pulled up, you have to quit your browser and reopen it and log in again. And forget about doing ANYTHING other than reading. Drool comes out of my mouth quicker when I sleep than I get speed off this stupid "high speed" wireless.
2) the ice machines on my floor, the floor below, and the floor above are not plugged into power. You might think this is not a bad thing, until you realize they charge 2 dollars and 50 cents for a bottle of ROOM TEMPERATURE water. And not even that, the refrigerator is locked, so you can't get into the damn thing and refrigerate your own drinks.
3) You might say, hey captain, use your back up dialup to get around their "high speed" internet. I would, of course, if they didn't charge 1.00 for the first minute and 10 cents for each additional minute for LOCAL CALLS.
4) they also offer free tv in the rooms. That is if you like network tv or pbs. They don't even give free cspan. That's what turned me against them. Hell with hbo or showtime, I want to watch congress. Not here I don't.
5) I witnessed a maid blow her nose into sheets she was taking into a room to put on a bed.
Hey, why gripe? At least the cardkey worked. Good god I'd be better off in a holiday inn.
Yeah right.
First of all, sure there's pretty chandeliers and marble pillars. It's great that i can hang the "do not disturb" sign on the door and actually not have housekeeping barge in on me. Oh and it has a working toilet and running water.
Here is what I don't like:
1) the hotel advertises free high speed wireless access in each room. At best I can get 190 kilobytes per second, and the connection times out after 2 minutes of inactivity. So by the time you've read the web page you pulled up, you have to quit your browser and reopen it and log in again. And forget about doing ANYTHING other than reading. Drool comes out of my mouth quicker when I sleep than I get speed off this stupid "high speed" wireless.
2) the ice machines on my floor, the floor below, and the floor above are not plugged into power. You might think this is not a bad thing, until you realize they charge 2 dollars and 50 cents for a bottle of ROOM TEMPERATURE water. And not even that, the refrigerator is locked, so you can't get into the damn thing and refrigerate your own drinks.
3) You might say, hey captain, use your back up dialup to get around their "high speed" internet. I would, of course, if they didn't charge 1.00 for the first minute and 10 cents for each additional minute for LOCAL CALLS.
4) they also offer free tv in the rooms. That is if you like network tv or pbs. They don't even give free cspan. That's what turned me against them. Hell with hbo or showtime, I want to watch congress. Not here I don't.
5) I witnessed a maid blow her nose into sheets she was taking into a room to put on a bed.
Hey, why gripe? At least the cardkey worked. Good god I'd be better off in a holiday inn.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Letter Of The Week
This is a true jewel. It is so great I just HAD to post it. The following letter was written in the local paper on Sunday, January 29, 2006. The letter was written by Kenneth X and was written in response to recent religious controversy over a made-for-TV film. The letter was dubbed "Letter of the Week" by the editorial staff.
WOULD THAT WE ALL WERE PERFECT PEOPLE
Kenneth X
I agree with those TV viewers and letter writers who don't find dysfunctional families- like the one in the "Book of Daniel" - entertaining. But, in order to be consistent with my values, I've also decided to stop reading all those stories about dysfunctional families, too.
No more reading about a man with anger management problems who kills his brother ( Cain ).
No more reading about a drunken father who exposes himself to his children ( Noah ).
No more reading about dishonest, deceitful, cheating brothers ( Jacob ).
No more reading about a politician with a desperate housewife ( Samson and Delilah ).
No more reading about a king who consults a medium for advice ( Saul ).
No more reading about polygamist leaders who allow their many wives to turn them from God ( Solomon ).
No more reading about kings who commit adultery and then cover it up with murder ( David, later described as "a man after God's own heart" ).
No more reading about a prophet who marries a harlot ( Hosea ).
No more reading about a preacher who strips himself naked and goes streaking through town ( Isaiah ).
In fact, No more reading about a chosen nation described as a wicked and adulterous generation ( Israel ).
And no more reading about apostles who curse and deny their Lord ( Peter ) or a terrorist turned missionary who argues with his co-workers ( Paul ) or churches that are told to stop stealing ( Ephesians ) or commitiing incest ( Corinthians ). How on Earth would God possibly use people like that?
I suppose it makes more sense to pretend that God shows no grace and uses only perfect people like the Waltons and the IIngalls.
So why should Christians have to be subjected to the idea of an imperfect minister whose family life is a mess?
WOULD THAT WE ALL WERE PERFECT PEOPLE
Kenneth X
I agree with those TV viewers and letter writers who don't find dysfunctional families- like the one in the "Book of Daniel" - entertaining. But, in order to be consistent with my values, I've also decided to stop reading all those stories about dysfunctional families, too.
No more reading about a man with anger management problems who kills his brother ( Cain ).
No more reading about a drunken father who exposes himself to his children ( Noah ).
No more reading about dishonest, deceitful, cheating brothers ( Jacob ).
No more reading about a politician with a desperate housewife ( Samson and Delilah ).
No more reading about a king who consults a medium for advice ( Saul ).
No more reading about polygamist leaders who allow their many wives to turn them from God ( Solomon ).
No more reading about kings who commit adultery and then cover it up with murder ( David, later described as "a man after God's own heart" ).
No more reading about a prophet who marries a harlot ( Hosea ).
No more reading about a preacher who strips himself naked and goes streaking through town ( Isaiah ).
In fact, No more reading about a chosen nation described as a wicked and adulterous generation ( Israel ).
And no more reading about apostles who curse and deny their Lord ( Peter ) or a terrorist turned missionary who argues with his co-workers ( Paul ) or churches that are told to stop stealing ( Ephesians ) or commitiing incest ( Corinthians ). How on Earth would God possibly use people like that?
I suppose it makes more sense to pretend that God shows no grace and uses only perfect people like the Waltons and the IIngalls.
So why should Christians have to be subjected to the idea of an imperfect minister whose family life is a mess?
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Bush Administration Subpoenas Google
Ok so those lackeys in the white house have decided to subpoena google for data, saying they are searching to see if anyone used their search engine to find kiddy porn. This is pathetic. This reflects the current state of our intelligence. What kind of moron doesn't know how to use the internet? I'm not saying that people won't use google to search for child porn. What I'm saying is that this kind of thing is a smokescreen.
What I mean is it doesn't take a rocket scientist to find kiddie porn on the internet. You don't need to subpoena google. Hell just type in www.iwantsex.com or the equivalent and browse the links. If you're lucky, THERE WILL EVEN BE A BANNER.
Get off it george. If you really want a list of people who masturbate, just use the phone book. I hate to tell you and your fellow right-wing nutjob fundamentalist friends this, but you do have these parts between your legs, and it does feel good when you touch them.
Feels better than drinking, snorting cocaine, and dodging Viet Nam even. Don't tell us you're looking for child porn when it's already right in front of your damn face. Be honest about it. You just want to know what everyone's looking at, cause you can't stand people having their own brain waves.
Oh and one more thing. George, I know you have a government email address. George, I know other people that do. George, they get spam every day about porn, whether it's lengthening penis size or whatnot. George, often times theres also kiddie porn there. Why don't you start your investigation there instead of stretching the laws as you see fit?
Wait, I forgot. You can't read. Nevermind. At least you can look at the pictures though, even if it makes your gonads tingle.
More on this later.
What I mean is it doesn't take a rocket scientist to find kiddie porn on the internet. You don't need to subpoena google. Hell just type in www.iwantsex.com or the equivalent and browse the links. If you're lucky, THERE WILL EVEN BE A BANNER.
Get off it george. If you really want a list of people who masturbate, just use the phone book. I hate to tell you and your fellow right-wing nutjob fundamentalist friends this, but you do have these parts between your legs, and it does feel good when you touch them.
Feels better than drinking, snorting cocaine, and dodging Viet Nam even. Don't tell us you're looking for child porn when it's already right in front of your damn face. Be honest about it. You just want to know what everyone's looking at, cause you can't stand people having their own brain waves.
Oh and one more thing. George, I know you have a government email address. George, I know other people that do. George, they get spam every day about porn, whether it's lengthening penis size or whatnot. George, often times theres also kiddie porn there. Why don't you start your investigation there instead of stretching the laws as you see fit?
Wait, I forgot. You can't read. Nevermind. At least you can look at the pictures though, even if it makes your gonads tingle.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
The 41 Types of Game Masters
In case you were interested in the 35 types of role players list, click here to read it. Otherwise, enjoy the post!
To counter the 35 types of players, this list came out at the same time. It is the 41 types of gamemasters. I'm sure all of you players out there encountered one or more of these guys in the past. Again, the author is unknown. My favorite has always been MR. FLOWERY.
The 41 Types of Game Masters
author unknown
THE MUNCHKIN – “Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even unleashing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half gray-elven/ half gold-dragon 50th level paladin/wizard/cleric/monk/bard gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulu who grovels at his feet…”
MONTY HAUL – “You are each granted one wish.”
“I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna.”
“I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless.”
“I wish to have…”
“Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?”
KILLER – “As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from behind it, killing you. No, there is no “to hit” roll, or saving throw allowed.”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes, which read, “Don’t let anyone know there is nothing on this note.”
THE CHEATER – “I don’t care if you hit on an 18 last time, THIS time you missed, and I don’t want to hear another thing about it.”
MR. DON’T-QUESTION-ME – “A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with that?”
THE NOVICE – “you rolled a 2 on your “to hit” roll. Did you want high or low?”
VERBOSE – “The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly polished, smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass. It’s kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast iron and you see… (sounds of snoring from the party members).
WITH A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her..”
WITHOUT A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued (hee hee) courteously accepts your offer (snort) to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her (haha) boy are you gonna get it now (giggle)."
MR. TIMID – “The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that’s OK with you, Steve. Really, you’ve got 17 hit points left and he has only 2. So you’ll be okay, OK?”
DEPALMA SCHOOL OF BLOOD AND GORE – “Your magic drill cleaves the demon’s skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement.”
GIBSON SCHOOL OF WRITING GRADUATES – “The view in the crystal ball was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel.”
VENGEFUL – “You won’t go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack Christine.”
AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your part.”
ANTI AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You die an ignoble death.”
THE STICKLER FOR DETAIL – “Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast, … and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive this fall.”
NO ORIGINALITY – “It’s a quest, see, you’re trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest II thought of this campaign myself.”
LEADING AND OVERBEARING – “You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red dragon’s lair to the west.”
“Too risky, we go to hear rumors somewhere else.”
“A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon’s lair for him.”
“We say no thank you and leave for the next village.”
“On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon’s lair…”
THE DUNGEON BUILDER – “The first door in the hallway opens onto a 20’x20’ room containing a griffon. The next room contains a party of orcs. The next contains a gelatinous cube. The next contains a couple giants…”
THE SCHMUCK – “Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I’ll let you have a 50% chance. Oh, Okay. 75% then.”
THE EXECUTIONER – “A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through his head.”
THE GHOUL – “That’s the 17th character you’ve rolled tonight? MWUHAHAHA.”
THE ABSOLUTE MONARCH – “The huge red dragon CAN fit through the little hole, because I SAID SO!”
THE GENEROUS MUNCHKIN – “Okay, now that you’ve killed that kobold, you open the treasure chests and find 100,000 gold pieces, 50,000 platinum pieces, and two hundred gems worth a million gold each. Oh, and a +20 vorpal sword. And before I forget, a Rod of Seven Parts, too.”
THE KILLER MUNCHKIN – “You guys are dead.”
THE WHINING MUNCHKIN – “But, but, you guys CAN’T do that! It’s my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaiiiiiil.”
THE DIE MODIFIER – “Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers you know.”
THE UNIMAGINITIVE TYPE – “You walk into the bar and see 30 mercenaries all wearing scale mail and carrying longswords. They all sit at separate tables.”
THE DESIGN ZEALOT – “I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to populate.”
THE STORYTELLER / SCRIPTER – He has the plot for the adventure all figured out, and you’re going to follow it come hell or high water.
THE PLANNER – He has everything for the adventure carefully planned and written out ahead of time. He has all the NPC stats and backgrounds, details, who will tell what, and so forth.
THE MAKE-IT-UP-AS-WE-GO – He comes in with a vague idea of what the PCs will run into today, and fills in the details as he goes along.
THE LITERAL TYPE – Player: “I wish joe had more lives.” GM: “Joe, you are now a schizophrenic.” Player: “What is the air speed of a swallow?” GM: “ African or European?”
THE SADIST – “Just then, 80 ancient huge red dragons descend on your party. They all breathe on you at once. What do you do now?”
THE SADIST WITH MASOCHISTIC PLAYERS – “Realizing that you are adventurers the 80 ancient huge red dragons kill themselves to prevent you from getting the experience for them (pre 2nd edition).”
GRADUATE OF THE BOB NEWHART SCHOOL OF DRY HUMOR – “okay, the sun goes nova and you are caught in the explosion. Everybody takes (rolls) nine thousand seven hundred and forty-eight points of fire damage from the plasma…. Save for half… What’d you roll? Oh, too bad.”
THE NICE TYPE – “Well, Bill, I don’t know how to tell you this. Your character is dead. Just like that. I’m really sorry, but you know, these things happen. ‘Man hath but a short time to live, and that full of sorrow.’ Look man, I know you’re hurting. If you want to tlak about it, we can take a break.”
MONTY PYTHON-ESQUE – “Oh no! The mutated potato monster sprays the party with a stream of Red-Hot Wolf Nipple Chips ™! Everybody takes zero damage, save vs. the heebie-jeebies or become frightened and explode!”
MR. FORGETFUL – “Okay you walk into the room. The orcs look up from their card game, much surprised to see anybody at this hour, and grab their …. What? You’ve already been through here and killed the orcs? Damn. Okay let’s try that again. You notice seven slaughtered orcs.”
MR. FLOWERY – “Oho! Methinks that the Purple Mage has waxed sorely pissed at they attempt to engulf him they vomitous Stinking Cloud dweomer! By my trow, he has, in his wroth, flung a Power Word Kill at thee, with a shout of ‘Have at thee vile knave!’ What dost thou doest now, brave adventurer?”
THE CHAOS KING – “Ok, the gnome got off his confusion spell. Everyone roll their actions as the 4 leprechauns chase 3 rust monsters into the camp. By the way, the two hobbits who you found tied to a tree earlier take this moment to change into doppelgangers and attack the princess you’re supposed to be guarding. You see all this clearly because the wagons in the caravan are burning from the arrows the orcs have fired at them. Who’s wearing armor, as you were all asleep?”
To counter the 35 types of players, this list came out at the same time. It is the 41 types of gamemasters. I'm sure all of you players out there encountered one or more of these guys in the past. Again, the author is unknown. My favorite has always been MR. FLOWERY.
The 41 Types of Game Masters
author unknown
THE MUNCHKIN – “Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even unleashing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half gray-elven/ half gold-dragon 50th level paladin/wizard/cleric/monk/bard gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulu who grovels at his feet…”
MONTY HAUL – “You are each granted one wish.”
“I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna.”
“I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless.”
“I wish to have…”
“Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?”
KILLER – “As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from behind it, killing you. No, there is no “to hit” roll, or saving throw allowed.”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes, which read, “Don’t let anyone know there is nothing on this note.”
THE CHEATER – “I don’t care if you hit on an 18 last time, THIS time you missed, and I don’t want to hear another thing about it.”
MR. DON’T-QUESTION-ME – “A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with that?”
THE NOVICE – “you rolled a 2 on your “to hit” roll. Did you want high or low?”
VERBOSE – “The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly polished, smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass. It’s kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast iron and you see… (sounds of snoring from the party members).
WITH A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her..”
WITHOUT A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued (hee hee) courteously accepts your offer (snort) to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her (haha) boy are you gonna get it now (giggle)."
MR. TIMID – “The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that’s OK with you, Steve. Really, you’ve got 17 hit points left and he has only 2. So you’ll be okay, OK?”
DEPALMA SCHOOL OF BLOOD AND GORE – “Your magic drill cleaves the demon’s skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement.”
GIBSON SCHOOL OF WRITING GRADUATES – “The view in the crystal ball was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel.”
VENGEFUL – “You won’t go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack Christine.”
AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your part.”
ANTI AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You die an ignoble death.”
THE STICKLER FOR DETAIL – “Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast, … and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive this fall.”
NO ORIGINALITY – “It’s a quest, see, you’re trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest II thought of this campaign myself.”
LEADING AND OVERBEARING – “You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red dragon’s lair to the west.”
“Too risky, we go to hear rumors somewhere else.”
“A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon’s lair for him.”
“We say no thank you and leave for the next village.”
“On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon’s lair…”
THE DUNGEON BUILDER – “The first door in the hallway opens onto a 20’x20’ room containing a griffon. The next room contains a party of orcs. The next contains a gelatinous cube. The next contains a couple giants…”
THE SCHMUCK – “Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I’ll let you have a 50% chance. Oh, Okay. 75% then.”
THE EXECUTIONER – “A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through his head.”
THE GHOUL – “That’s the 17th character you’ve rolled tonight? MWUHAHAHA.”
THE ABSOLUTE MONARCH – “The huge red dragon CAN fit through the little hole, because I SAID SO!”
THE GENEROUS MUNCHKIN – “Okay, now that you’ve killed that kobold, you open the treasure chests and find 100,000 gold pieces, 50,000 platinum pieces, and two hundred gems worth a million gold each. Oh, and a +20 vorpal sword. And before I forget, a Rod of Seven Parts, too.”
THE KILLER MUNCHKIN – “You guys are dead.”
THE WHINING MUNCHKIN – “But, but, you guys CAN’T do that! It’s my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaiiiiiil.”
THE DIE MODIFIER – “Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers you know.”
THE UNIMAGINITIVE TYPE – “You walk into the bar and see 30 mercenaries all wearing scale mail and carrying longswords. They all sit at separate tables.”
THE DESIGN ZEALOT – “I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to populate.”
THE STORYTELLER / SCRIPTER – He has the plot for the adventure all figured out, and you’re going to follow it come hell or high water.
THE PLANNER – He has everything for the adventure carefully planned and written out ahead of time. He has all the NPC stats and backgrounds, details, who will tell what, and so forth.
THE MAKE-IT-UP-AS-WE-GO – He comes in with a vague idea of what the PCs will run into today, and fills in the details as he goes along.
THE LITERAL TYPE – Player: “I wish joe had more lives.” GM: “Joe, you are now a schizophrenic.” Player: “What is the air speed of a swallow?” GM: “ African or European?”
THE SADIST – “Just then, 80 ancient huge red dragons descend on your party. They all breathe on you at once. What do you do now?”
THE SADIST WITH MASOCHISTIC PLAYERS – “Realizing that you are adventurers the 80 ancient huge red dragons kill themselves to prevent you from getting the experience for them (pre 2nd edition).”
GRADUATE OF THE BOB NEWHART SCHOOL OF DRY HUMOR – “okay, the sun goes nova and you are caught in the explosion. Everybody takes (rolls) nine thousand seven hundred and forty-eight points of fire damage from the plasma…. Save for half… What’d you roll? Oh, too bad.”
THE NICE TYPE – “Well, Bill, I don’t know how to tell you this. Your character is dead. Just like that. I’m really sorry, but you know, these things happen. ‘Man hath but a short time to live, and that full of sorrow.’ Look man, I know you’re hurting. If you want to tlak about it, we can take a break.”
MONTY PYTHON-ESQUE – “Oh no! The mutated potato monster sprays the party with a stream of Red-Hot Wolf Nipple Chips ™! Everybody takes zero damage, save vs. the heebie-jeebies or become frightened and explode!”
MR. FORGETFUL – “Okay you walk into the room. The orcs look up from their card game, much surprised to see anybody at this hour, and grab their …. What? You’ve already been through here and killed the orcs? Damn. Okay let’s try that again. You notice seven slaughtered orcs.”
MR. FLOWERY – “Oho! Methinks that the Purple Mage has waxed sorely pissed at they attempt to engulf him they vomitous Stinking Cloud dweomer! By my trow, he has, in his wroth, flung a Power Word Kill at thee, with a shout of ‘Have at thee vile knave!’ What dost thou doest now, brave adventurer?”
THE CHAOS KING – “Ok, the gnome got off his confusion spell. Everyone roll their actions as the 4 leprechauns chase 3 rust monsters into the camp. By the way, the two hobbits who you found tied to a tree earlier take this moment to change into doppelgangers and attack the princess you’re supposed to be guarding. You see all this clearly because the wagons in the caravan are burning from the arrows the orcs have fired at them. Who’s wearing armor, as you were all asleep?”
The 35 Types of Role Players
This page gets a lot of traffic, so much that I thought I'd leave a link directing you to the types of Game Masters. Enjoy! Click here for the list of Game Masters.
This is a little note I have kept with myself for about thirteen or so years. I don't know who composed it. I have been an avid role player and game master for quite some time, and I always found this list humorous. If you're a game master, or player even, you're bound to find memories in that head of yours tied to the types on this list.
The 35 Types Of Players
author unknown
THE REAL MAN – “Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o’clock!! CHARGE!”
THE REAL ROLE PLAYER – “Don’t start yet! I need my two minutes to get properly into character.”
THE LOONY – “I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips.”
THE MUNCHKIN – “Five arch devils and two demigods? That’s ALL? I guess I’ll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter.”
THE COWARD – “Yikes! Three kobolds! Retreat! RETREAT!”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – “Just before the mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast “command – vomit” on him.”
THE NOVICE – “I just rolled a 2 on my “to-hit” roll. Did I want high or low?”
THE TACTICIAN – “The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage shall remain behind the door in preparation of a “sleep” spell, which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I shall…”
THE QUIET TYPE – “I dunno.. I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess.”
THE PUNSTER – “You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One… to cast “cure light.””
THE PC INFIGHTER – “Sinth’s been such a twit. I hit her in the face with my flail while she’s casting her “find familiar” spell.”
JOE-I-GOT-THE-RULES-DOWN-PAT – “No, if you look in the DMG, page 81, paragraph 5, you’ll find this spell won’t affect griffons.”
THE WHINER – “Three points? I take three points of damage?!”
THE BULLY – “Are you sure I don’t make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?”
Mr. GREEDY – “So it’s not evil? And it’s not attacking? So what! I want that xp!”
THE CHEATER – “I roll an… 18! It hits!” (quickly grabs dice)
THE CHASTISER – “And you didn’t see that trap coming? HAHA! Just how long did you say you’ve been playing this game?”
THE KAMIKAZE – “I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, I set off the ‘fire trap’ on all of my nine flasks of oil.”
THE GOOD ROLLER – “Oh looky here. An 03 percentile dice… If that door was trapped, I just found something.”
THE BAD ROLLER – “Oh, damn it all! Another critical fumble!”
THE BRAGGART – “The thought of you attacking me isn’t even interesting. I could get off a sleep spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath.”
THE REMINISCER – “Say, y’know, this is kind of like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lockpick an unlocked door.”
GOODY TWO SHOES – “Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can’t kill them when they’re asleep and can’t defend themselves.”
THE OVEROPTIMISTIC DAYDREAMER – “After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine or ten levels, I’m going to buy me the finest battle axe that money can buy.”
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN MAN – “Hmm? What? Oh, are we attacking now?”
THERMONUCLEAR MAN – “Alright, I swing at the orc with my bastard sword. (rolls) That’s a 2… +2 for strength… +3 for specialization, +2 for (and on and on). So that’s a 27. (sarcastic grin) Does it hit?”
THE GM HATER – the person who comes into the game and does his best to think of ways to react to a situation that the GM hasn’t. Having a pc who is slightly schizophrenic is a good excuse for this. NOTE: mixes really badly with the “storytelling” style of GM.
THE MINDLESS PLAYER – GM: “The gaping chasm stretches out before you. It is too far to jump across.” PLAYER: “I jump the chasm.”
THE CRYBABY – “you mean the big rock crushed me? My character’s dead? Really really dead? NOOOOOO!”
THE COWBOY – “II walk proudly up to the King and challenge him to a duel to the death. Oh yeah, I make sure to call him a wimp.”
THE WORRY WORT – “Okay, my mage is invisible, levitating thirty meters above the party, has a phantom armor and a stoneskin on him, a ring of fire resistance owrn, a minor globe of invulnerability up, (and on and on). Damn! I have a bad feeling about this!.” DM: Suddenly, a spellcaster appears in the hallway before you. Quickly gesturing in the direction of the invisible mage, he casts a spell…. Oh, my! Mr. worry wort has just plummeted thirty meters to the ground, to his death.
THE PSYCHO KILLER – DM: “okay, you open the door and you see –“ PK: “KILL KILL KILL!! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD! RAAAAAAAGHHH!”
THE CAVERN SHYSTER – “Oh, so the illusionary medusa I cast at the Archdemon Orcus doesn’t turn him to stone, does it? Well if you look at the spell description, it says right here that he gets no save, has no chance to disbelieve, and I made my magic resistance roll! What do you say to that?” DM: “Orcus is a demon lord. He eats medusae for breakfast. Amidst a hearty chuckle of laughter at your feeble attempt at illusion, he throws a thirty die lightning bolt at you. What do you say to that?”
THE PIG-EYED GLUTTON – “Now how do we go about carting off this 800 copper pieces? We’re already loaded down with the four suits of leather armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..”
THE MASOCHIST – “I stop running, turn around, slap the minotaur, and tell him to stop breathing down my neck."
This is a little note I have kept with myself for about thirteen or so years. I don't know who composed it. I have been an avid role player and game master for quite some time, and I always found this list humorous. If you're a game master, or player even, you're bound to find memories in that head of yours tied to the types on this list.
The 35 Types Of Players
author unknown
THE REAL MAN – “Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o’clock!! CHARGE!”
THE REAL ROLE PLAYER – “Don’t start yet! I need my two minutes to get properly into character.”
THE LOONY – “I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips.”
THE MUNCHKIN – “Five arch devils and two demigods? That’s ALL? I guess I’ll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter.”
THE COWARD – “Yikes! Three kobolds! Retreat! RETREAT!”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – “Just before the mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast “command – vomit” on him.”
THE NOVICE – “I just rolled a 2 on my “to-hit” roll. Did I want high or low?”
THE TACTICIAN – “The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage shall remain behind the door in preparation of a “sleep” spell, which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I shall…”
THE QUIET TYPE – “I dunno.. I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess.”
THE PUNSTER – “You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One… to cast “cure light.””
THE PC INFIGHTER – “Sinth’s been such a twit. I hit her in the face with my flail while she’s casting her “find familiar” spell.”
JOE-I-GOT-THE-RULES-DOWN-PAT – “No, if you look in the DMG, page 81, paragraph 5, you’ll find this spell won’t affect griffons.”
THE WHINER – “Three points? I take three points of damage?!”
THE BULLY – “Are you sure I don’t make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?”
Mr. GREEDY – “So it’s not evil? And it’s not attacking? So what! I want that xp!”
THE CHEATER – “I roll an… 18! It hits!” (quickly grabs dice)
THE CHASTISER – “And you didn’t see that trap coming? HAHA! Just how long did you say you’ve been playing this game?”
THE KAMIKAZE – “I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, I set off the ‘fire trap’ on all of my nine flasks of oil.”
THE GOOD ROLLER – “Oh looky here. An 03 percentile dice… If that door was trapped, I just found something.”
THE BAD ROLLER – “Oh, damn it all! Another critical fumble!”
THE BRAGGART – “The thought of you attacking me isn’t even interesting. I could get off a sleep spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath.”
THE REMINISCER – “Say, y’know, this is kind of like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lockpick an unlocked door.”
GOODY TWO SHOES – “Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can’t kill them when they’re asleep and can’t defend themselves.”
THE OVEROPTIMISTIC DAYDREAMER – “After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine or ten levels, I’m going to buy me the finest battle axe that money can buy.”
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN MAN – “Hmm? What? Oh, are we attacking now?”
THERMONUCLEAR MAN – “Alright, I swing at the orc with my bastard sword. (rolls) That’s a 2… +2 for strength… +3 for specialization, +2 for (and on and on). So that’s a 27. (sarcastic grin) Does it hit?”
THE GM HATER – the person who comes into the game and does his best to think of ways to react to a situation that the GM hasn’t. Having a pc who is slightly schizophrenic is a good excuse for this. NOTE: mixes really badly with the “storytelling” style of GM.
THE MINDLESS PLAYER – GM: “The gaping chasm stretches out before you. It is too far to jump across.” PLAYER: “I jump the chasm.”
THE CRYBABY – “you mean the big rock crushed me? My character’s dead? Really really dead? NOOOOOO!”
THE COWBOY – “II walk proudly up to the King and challenge him to a duel to the death. Oh yeah, I make sure to call him a wimp.”
THE WORRY WORT – “Okay, my mage is invisible, levitating thirty meters above the party, has a phantom armor and a stoneskin on him, a ring of fire resistance owrn, a minor globe of invulnerability up, (and on and on). Damn! I have a bad feeling about this!.” DM: Suddenly, a spellcaster appears in the hallway before you. Quickly gesturing in the direction of the invisible mage, he casts a spell…
THE PSYCHO KILLER – DM: “okay, you open the door and you see –“ PK: “KILL KILL KILL!! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD! RAAAAAAAGHHH!”
THE CAVERN SHYSTER – “Oh, so the illusionary medusa I cast at the Archdemon Orcus doesn’t turn him to stone, does it? Well if you look at the spell description, it says right here that he gets no save, has no chance to disbelieve, and I made my magic resistance roll! What do you say to that?” DM: “Orcus is a demon lord. He eats medusae for breakfast. Amidst a hearty chuckle of laughter at your feeble attempt at illusion, he throws a thirty die lightning bolt at you. What do you say to that?”
THE PIG-EYED GLUTTON – “Now how do we go about carting off this 800 copper pieces? We’re already loaded down with the four suits of leather armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..”
THE MASOCHIST – “I stop running, turn around, slap the minotaur, and tell him to stop breathing down my neck."
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
How To Call Tech Support (Version 1.01)
I don't know who wrote this, but I was given it back in 2001 when I worked for tier 1 and tier 2 tech support for internet cable. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and for all of you with similar jobs who know these questions and situations actually occur, I hope you don't burst your spleen laughing.
HOW TO CALL TECH SUPPORT (Version 1.01)
author unknown
0. LIST OF WHAT YOUR ISP (WE) SUPPORT:
0.0 We support all kinds of connections such as Dialup, Cable, DSL, Satellite, Wireless
0.0.1 Operating Systems: Windows 3.x/9x/2x/NT.x/XP/CE, Solaris, Red Hat Linux, OS/2, Unix, MacOs x.x, MSDOS, Novell DOS, Netware, Linux, SVR4, Bestix, Motorola, PalmOS 4x, Microwave 98, Microscope Windows 98.
0.0.1.1 Note that our software IS compatible with all systems mentioned above.
0.1 Latest games from Microsoft, Epic, Sierra, LucasArts, Captain Crunch serial software, Symantec, Electronic Arts, MTVMedia, Fox Interactive.
0.2 Programs depending on your Internet connection and programs requiring Internet, such as MS Office (versions 1.0 to
to 2000), MS Encyclopedia Offline edition, Star Office, Photo Express, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, MS Front Page (versions from 1.0 to 2000), Hotmail, Yahoo, and Beer.com
0.3 Programs that are essential for Internet such as: BONZI Buddy, WebCelerator, Sonic, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, BackOrifice, McAfee firewall (change settings to "disallow all"), Zone Labs Alarm (make sure that it is set to "Engage Internet Lock" by default).
**be aware that use of the programs listed above will never result in any of your Internet related problems, such as "Page Cannot Be Displayed", "Server Not Found", "TAPISERV Performed Illegal Function", "Reinstall Dialup Networking", or change of a home page to www.bonzi.com or http://ultraxxx.com.nl/over18, http://hotparty18.cz/billonline/ccvisa45135632133551", etc. But for some unexplained reason techs like to blame those programs.
0.4 For the full list of supported titles please go to http://www.download.com
0.5 We DO support NAPSTER and we will be pleased to help you burn an illegal CD from stolen songs.
0.5.1 Please note that to burn a CD you do not need a CD-RW drive; a normal CDROM drive will do, note also that NAPSTER has a built-in CD burning software.
0.6 We are here (at ISP technical support) not to troubleshoot and fix your problems, but we are here to help you learn that new program you just downloaded.
0.7 Support coverage is easy; ISP means Internet Service Provider, which means that we support everything that came through the Internet.
0.8 Hardware support offered on all models of printers, scanners, digital cameras, cat scanners, tape drives, external CD drives, CD-RW drives, wireless mice, touch pads, motherboards, fans, Palm Pilots, Pocket PCs, surge protectors, vacuum cleaners and calculators.
0.9 We can also help you read your spouse's email while they are away.
1.0 BEFORE CALLING TECH SUPPORT
1.1 Make sure that your computer is off, because you CANNOT have your computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. If you just received your computer please leave it in the original packaging, do NOT take it out of the box before calling tech support.
1.2 If computer is on, make sure that the monitor is disconnected from the tower or at least turned off.
1.3 Make sure that the computer is in a different room and your cord is not long enough to reach the keyboard. Don't even think to plug in your phone in the computer's phone jack because (once again) you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time.
1.4 If your computer is on, please launch as many applications as possible (preferred to do that until you get the message "out of memory. Please quit one of the running applications and try again."). You never know where a tech will take you, so to save time have all possible windows open (e.g. My Computer, Control Panel, Dial-Up Networking, Drive C, Windows, Temp). Best case scenario would be to call tech support during the lock-up.
1.5 Computer and monitor color coding are usually deceptive; it has nothing to do with system setup; do not attempt to
go through the setup by yourself; please call tech support and verify what should go where.
1.6 Never restart the computer before calling tech support.
1.7 Make sure that there are no pen and paper within your reach. You should never have to write something down, because you have a computer -- it will do it for you.
2. CONTACTING TECH SUPPORT
2.0 When we ask you what your phone number is we need the phone number that your compuuter is on right now, if it's a laptop and you are travelling now, just give tech support your motel number then.
2.1 If you have a serious problem like system crashes, out of memory, system freeze, illegal functions and lock-ups, please wait for about 2 to 3 weeks before calling; maybe the problem will go away by itself. Keep installing programs
mentioned above without any fear, install or uninstall will never cause any problems at all. If not, a tech will be able to fix it without the help of some fancy SCANREG DOS function.
2.2 Make sure that you contact the correct tech support center and get the proper department. Please not that our call
options are responding to your brain waves, not the keypad, so just press buttons randomly and you will get connected to the correct department right away. If however you were connected to an incorrect department, ignore the greeting and start on explaining what your problem is to the first live person who picks up the phone.
2.2.1 It is a good idea to ask for a senior tech right away; don't waste your time on those level 1 techs. They are there only to get your information and pass you to the higher level tech.
2.3 If you have a simple first and last name, please spell those out to the tech. If your name is not of English or American origin, do not spell it out. Our techs are able to spell last names like Sczherchijski and Khaschic by themselves.
2.4 If you are a resident alien and call the USA for tech support, after greeting us in English you can go ahead and speak Malay, Tagalong, Visayan, Ilocano, Cebuano, Mandarin, Bantu, Japanese, French, German, Klingon, etc. Every tech is trained in all fo these languages for your convenience!
2.5 Contact tech support from your office/your car/friends house/friend's car, you should remember that as described in 1.1 and 1.3 you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. Please note that all problems that you have we can fix without your assistance. We have remote access to your computer and will be glad to fix everything for you.
2.6 While on hold feel free to visit the bathroom, eat crunchy stuff, talk dirty to your boy/girlfriend or yell at your kids.
2.7 Do not give your contact information to any of the techs right away. First probe them with technical questions to determine if they are really who they claim they are.
3. PROBLEM DEFINITION AND TROUBLESHOOTING
3.1 Be advised that a tech can see the same picture on the computer screen that you do. Therefore there is no need to
elaborate on the problem. A short sentence like "I would like to put the Internet on my computer", "I cannot get to
the Internet" or better yet "It is not working" are more than enough for a tech to fix the problem.
3.2 Problems such as described in 2.0 could never be fixed with ScanDisk or Defrag, don't waste your time going through
those programs.
3.3 When going through the troubleshooting with a tech do NOT follow his directions blindly; he might be making fun of you going through all those steps. Make sure to click randomly without the tech's advice.
3.4 Remember that RIGHT click is a click perfomed by the RIGHT hand on the mouse button (it does not matter which button). Sometimes a tech will tell you to do a right click, but that he might mean left click, so do the one that you
feel is right.
3.5 Modem is a big gray box with a power button on it. Monitor is a fancy tech jargon word for TV-thingy.
3.6 If you have a child in the house who is helping you with the computer DO NOT bother letting the child talk to us. Instead do it yourself, we will be more than delighted to help you learn the secret of double LEFT clicking.
3.7 If you are getting missing .dll or .vxd file errors, please do not tell tech support what programs you installed or uninstalled recently. WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER IS YOUR OWN BUSINESS. A tech does not have to know anything. If asked directly deny any allegations of installing or uninstalling any programs.
3.8 When following tech's directions please do not tell a tech what you just did. The tech knows that you already clicked
OK, or typed what was needed. Just relax, keep silent and wait for further instruction.
3.9 If a tech asks you the question "What do you have on your screen now?" tell him what your wallpaer and icons look like. Please go through all the icons and spell out all the labels on them.
3.10 If you have a screen with the message "Click OK to Continue" or "Click Next" and those are the only available option ask your technician what you should do first.
3.11 Never write down error messages, a simple "does not work" statement is all the tech needs. Also remember that as in
3.1, a tech can see the same picture on your computer screen as you do.
3.12 If a tech asks you a question that can be answered by "yes" or "no," answer "OK" instead.
APPENDIX A
1. WHAT TECHS LIKE TO HEAR
1.1 A STATEMENT THAT "I'm not computer illiterate" is usually a very funny statement. Laugh every time you say it. A tech will have more compassion for you that way. Plus, that makes troubleshooting much easier.
1.2 For faster service please have a crying baby, yelling sister/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/cat/barking dog/bird or at least a TV with the volume all the way up in the background. We enjoy hearing those sounds.
1.3 If you cannot provide any of the following please use your cell by the radio or computer speakers so we can hear those nice feedback sounds.
1.4 Have no speakers or radio? That is not a problem! Drain your cell phone battery prior to the call and let us enjoy nice beeping sounds every three seconds.
1.5 Have no cell phone? Not a problem! Get a cordless phone from your neighbor across the street and turn the antenna to the opposite direction. No neighbor? Just yell at your kids randomly without covering the phone with your hand.
1.6 If you havve two phones at home call tech support with your spouse on the other phone so you can both get tech support at the same time. Plus, during the call you can discuss your own business if the tech is quiet enough. Talking at the same time is also useful; that gives the tech twice as much information in a shorter period of time.
1.7 To make sure that you are doing everything correctly ask tech support to repeat every sentence at least once. By doing that you will give him a chance to make sure that you are on the right track. Better yet, spell out everything that he asks you to type, no matter if it is your email address or your last name.
1.8 Ask "Are we there yet?" and "how much longer will this take?" every 20 to 30 seconds. A tech will be able to accelerate the troubleshooting process after hearing that.
1.9 During system reboot please ask the tech "Where are you guys located?", it is essential for further troubleshooting.
2.0 Life is short, don't waste it, you can eat dinner and talk to the tech at the same time.
2.1 If you are a lawyer, being "computer illiterate" doesn't matter. Reply to the tech with your professional jargon. It will be educational for the tech.
2.2 Our techs are all mature adults. Using profanity while on the phone is appreciated.
2.3 We are here not only to help you get connected but also to listen to your family problems, old jokes, personal preferences, your life and sex life.
2.4 Make sure that you hold the phone as close to your speakers as you can so the tech can hear the startup and shutdown sounds (please note that the volume should be all the way up).
2.5 Set up your sound scheme to Underwater so the tech can hear a toilet flush on every click.
APPENDIX B
1. BE AWARE
1.1 When you ask a tech for a good book on Windows98, the tech might reply "Windows98 for Dummies." Be aware! There are no such publications. The tech is simply insulting your intelligence.
1.2 If the tecch recommends "Learning Win98 Visually" hi implies you need a book with pictures because you are so stupid that you can't even read. Ask for a supervisor immediately!
1.3 Going through the Ctrl+Alt+Del and doing "End Task" will uninstall all those programs that you have there.
1.3.1 Ctrl+Alt+Del command will destroy your system. (FATBODY NOTE: no, with windows, your system was bought
already destroyed!)
1.4 Rebooting your computer means pressing the button on the TV-thingy and then turning it back on. Under no circumstances agree to turn off the big gray box, because hardbooting (cutting the power) will cause unrepairable damage to your hard drive.
1.5 Windows ME is the same as Windows 2000.
1.6 It is our duty as a tech support representative to listen to your complaints regarding billing and shipment issues.
1.7 It is our responsibility to reimburse you the $400 phone bill which is a result of browsing "pay by phone" porno sites.
1.8 Your desktop has a picture of hardcore porno close-up, your home page is set to http://www.humpmebaby.com, you have a comet cursor logo at the bottom of your screen and your mouse arrow looks like a penis with two eyes...This is the result of a Windows glitch, not your horny 13 year old son.
1.9 IF your system runs at 10% free resources one of the techs might suggest to take out any of the 31 icons from your
system tray and about 50 from the startup folder. Do not fall for this because you USE IT and your computer is top of the line and should be able to handle those fine.
2.0 Most of the times username/password problems are on our end. Leaving the CAPS LOCK on has nothing to do with it.
2.1 Your windows network username and password ARE THE SAME as your ISP username and password.
2.2 "@" is shorthand for typing in "at" in email addresses. Don't use @. Go ahead and type "at."
2.2.1 To send an email to the webmaster of the website put the full website address in the "TO" field (e.g. http://www.peoplepc.com).
2.2.1.1 When sending your family fresh scanned photos make sure that those have at least 600dpi resolution and the size is not below 640X480. To save yourself time send all 20 files together.
2.2.1.1.1 Your mail with attached pictures will go off your outbox in a couple of seconds. It should not take much time on your 28.8K dialup either.
2.2.2 Our incoming mail server is POP3 and outgoing is SMTP (as is clearly indicated in the Outlook Express Account
Creation Wizard).
2.3 Your computer has 2 phone outlets, you can use either one of them to connect to the internet.
2.4 All recent models of computers have wireless modems; there is no need to plug the telephone cord into them.
2.5 Modems will function normally even if the telephone line is down.
2.5.1 "No answer" error and random disconnections have nothing to do with the static on the phone line, even if you can barely hear the tech.
2.6 If you are getting "No Dialtone" errors while trying to connect to the Internet and you are speaking with tech support at the same time on the same line please let them troubleshoot this as a separate connectivity issue.
2.7 After deleting essential parts of the netstac or registry tell the tech "My 4 year old son did it." This will make a tech have more compassion for you.
2.8 We got a lot of questions where some keys are located on the keyboard. To make it easier to use we printed a scheme of the keyboard. On the reverse side of this manual you will find a chart with locations of some of the most popular buttons such as: close, next, back, return, space, maximize, minimize, Start, Cancel, OK, Yes, No, and the all-time favorite "any" key.
2.9 New generation printers are all "plug-n-play". There is no need to use a CD which came in the package labelled:
"Printer Setup Disk."
3.0 "Non-system Disk" or "Boot Disk Error" is a server problem. Do not attempt to fix this by yourself. The floppy inside does not have anything to do with it. DENY that you have a floppy in the drive for as long as possible.
3.1 DVD disk is a new version of CD disk and therefore will work in a regular CD-ROM.
3.2 There is a built in radio in your CPU (CPU is a fancy tech jargon word for big gray box modem thingy).
3.3 CD-ROM Drive is not a cup holder. It is too small for mugs and will only fit paper cups. This is actually an ashtray.
3.4 Your computer comes with built in voice recognition software and hardware, refer to it as if you are talking to your friend.
3.5 The correct position for your task bar is on the right side, vertical.
3.5.1 The task bar changes its location and size randomly by itself.
APPENDIX D
WARRANTY UPDATES
1.1 Based on the increasing demand of replacement parts the following is now covered by the warranty:
-- Spilled water/coffee/tea/vine/urine on the keyboard, as a replacement you will get a new waterproof keyboard.
-- Acts of God or other supreme power such as: your urge for distruction, your kids, pets, and co-workers.
-- Mouse cleaning: including ball exchange, dust-cleaning, hair removal, and vinegar dips.
HOW TO CALL TECH SUPPORT (Version 1.01)
author unknown
0. LIST OF WHAT YOUR ISP (WE) SUPPORT:
0.0 We support all kinds of connections such as Dialup, Cable, DSL, Satellite, Wireless
0.0.1 Operating Systems: Windows 3.x/9x/2x/NT.x/XP/CE, Solaris, Red Hat Linux, OS/2, Unix, MacOs x.x, MSDOS, Novell DOS, Netware, Linux, SVR4, Bestix, Motorola, PalmOS 4x, Microwave 98, Microscope Windows 98.
0.0.1.1 Note that our software IS compatible with all systems mentioned above.
0.1 Latest games from Microsoft, Epic, Sierra, LucasArts, Captain Crunch serial software, Symantec, Electronic Arts, MTVMedia, Fox Interactive.
0.2 Programs depending on your Internet connection and programs requiring Internet, such as MS Office (versions 1.0 to
to 2000), MS Encyclopedia Offline edition, Star Office, Photo Express, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, MS Front Page (versions from 1.0 to 2000), Hotmail, Yahoo, and Beer.com
0.3 Programs that are essential for Internet such as: BONZI Buddy, WebCelerator, Sonic, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, BackOrifice, McAfee firewall (change settings to "disallow all"), Zone Labs Alarm (make sure that it is set to "Engage Internet Lock" by default).
**be aware that use of the programs listed above will never result in any of your Internet related problems, such as "Page Cannot Be Displayed", "Server Not Found", "TAPISERV Performed Illegal Function", "Reinstall Dialup Networking", or change of a home page to www.bonzi.com or http://ultraxxx.com.nl/over18, http://hotparty18.cz/billonline/ccvisa45135632133551", etc. But for some unexplained reason techs like to blame those programs.
0.4 For the full list of supported titles please go to http://www.download.com
0.5 We DO support NAPSTER and we will be pleased to help you burn an illegal CD from stolen songs.
0.5.1 Please note that to burn a CD you do not need a CD-RW drive; a normal CDROM drive will do, note also that NAPSTER has a built-in CD burning software.
0.6 We are here (at ISP technical support) not to troubleshoot and fix your problems, but we are here to help you learn that new program you just downloaded.
0.7 Support coverage is easy; ISP means Internet Service Provider, which means that we support everything that came through the Internet.
0.8 Hardware support offered on all models of printers, scanners, digital cameras, cat scanners, tape drives, external CD drives, CD-RW drives, wireless mice, touch pads, motherboards, fans, Palm Pilots, Pocket PCs, surge protectors, vacuum cleaners and calculators.
0.9 We can also help you read your spouse's email while they are away.
1.0 BEFORE CALLING TECH SUPPORT
1.1 Make sure that your computer is off, because you CANNOT have your computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. If you just received your computer please leave it in the original packaging, do NOT take it out of the box before calling tech support.
1.2 If computer is on, make sure that the monitor is disconnected from the tower or at least turned off.
1.3 Make sure that the computer is in a different room and your cord is not long enough to reach the keyboard. Don't even think to plug in your phone in the computer's phone jack because (once again) you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time.
1.4 If your computer is on, please launch as many applications as possible (preferred to do that until you get the message "out of memory. Please quit one of the running applications and try again."). You never know where a tech will take you, so to save time have all possible windows open (e.g. My Computer, Control Panel, Dial-Up Networking, Drive C, Windows, Temp). Best case scenario would be to call tech support during the lock-up.
1.5 Computer and monitor color coding are usually deceptive; it has nothing to do with system setup; do not attempt to
go through the setup by yourself; please call tech support and verify what should go where.
1.6 Never restart the computer before calling tech support.
1.7 Make sure that there are no pen and paper within your reach. You should never have to write something down, because you have a computer -- it will do it for you.
2. CONTACTING TECH SUPPORT
2.0 When we ask you what your phone number is we need the phone number that your compuuter is on right now, if it's a laptop and you are travelling now, just give tech support your motel number then.
2.1 If you have a serious problem like system crashes, out of memory, system freeze, illegal functions and lock-ups, please wait for about 2 to 3 weeks before calling; maybe the problem will go away by itself. Keep installing programs
mentioned above without any fear, install or uninstall will never cause any problems at all. If not, a tech will be able to fix it without the help of some fancy SCANREG DOS function.
2.2 Make sure that you contact the correct tech support center and get the proper department. Please not that our call
options are responding to your brain waves, not the keypad, so just press buttons randomly and you will get connected to the correct department right away. If however you were connected to an incorrect department, ignore the greeting and start on explaining what your problem is to the first live person who picks up the phone.
2.2.1 It is a good idea to ask for a senior tech right away; don't waste your time on those level 1 techs. They are there only to get your information and pass you to the higher level tech.
2.3 If you have a simple first and last name, please spell those out to the tech. If your name is not of English or American origin, do not spell it out. Our techs are able to spell last names like Sczherchijski and Khaschic by themselves.
2.4 If you are a resident alien and call the USA for tech support, after greeting us in English you can go ahead and speak Malay, Tagalong, Visayan, Ilocano, Cebuano, Mandarin, Bantu, Japanese, French, German, Klingon, etc. Every tech is trained in all fo these languages for your convenience!
2.5 Contact tech support from your office/your car/friends house/friend's car, you should remember that as described in 1.1 and 1.3 you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. Please note that all problems that you have we can fix without your assistance. We have remote access to your computer and will be glad to fix everything for you.
2.6 While on hold feel free to visit the bathroom, eat crunchy stuff, talk dirty to your boy/girlfriend or yell at your kids.
2.7 Do not give your contact information to any of the techs right away. First probe them with technical questions to determine if they are really who they claim they are.
3. PROBLEM DEFINITION AND TROUBLESHOOTING
3.1 Be advised that a tech can see the same picture on the computer screen that you do. Therefore there is no need to
elaborate on the problem. A short sentence like "I would like to put the Internet on my computer", "I cannot get to
the Internet" or better yet "It is not working" are more than enough for a tech to fix the problem.
3.2 Problems such as described in 2.0 could never be fixed with ScanDisk or Defrag, don't waste your time going through
those programs.
3.3 When going through the troubleshooting with a tech do NOT follow his directions blindly; he might be making fun of you going through all those steps. Make sure to click randomly without the tech's advice.
3.4 Remember that RIGHT click is a click perfomed by the RIGHT hand on the mouse button (it does not matter which button). Sometimes a tech will tell you to do a right click, but that he might mean left click, so do the one that you
feel is right.
3.5 Modem is a big gray box with a power button on it. Monitor is a fancy tech jargon word for TV-thingy.
3.6 If you have a child in the house who is helping you with the computer DO NOT bother letting the child talk to us. Instead do it yourself, we will be more than delighted to help you learn the secret of double LEFT clicking.
3.7 If you are getting missing .dll or .vxd file errors, please do not tell tech support what programs you installed or uninstalled recently. WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER IS YOUR OWN BUSINESS. A tech does not have to know anything. If asked directly deny any allegations of installing or uninstalling any programs.
3.8 When following tech's directions please do not tell a tech what you just did. The tech knows that you already clicked
OK, or typed what was needed. Just relax, keep silent and wait for further instruction.
3.9 If a tech asks you the question "What do you have on your screen now?" tell him what your wallpaer and icons look like. Please go through all the icons and spell out all the labels on them.
3.10 If you have a screen with the message "Click OK to Continue" or "Click Next" and those are the only available option ask your technician what you should do first.
3.11 Never write down error messages, a simple "does not work" statement is all the tech needs. Also remember that as in
3.1, a tech can see the same picture on your computer screen as you do.
3.12 If a tech asks you a question that can be answered by "yes" or "no," answer "OK" instead.
APPENDIX A
1. WHAT TECHS LIKE TO HEAR
1.1 A STATEMENT THAT "I'm not computer illiterate" is usually a very funny statement. Laugh every time you say it. A tech will have more compassion for you that way. Plus, that makes troubleshooting much easier.
1.2 For faster service please have a crying baby, yelling sister/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/cat/barking dog/bird or at least a TV with the volume all the way up in the background. We enjoy hearing those sounds.
1.3 If you cannot provide any of the following please use your cell by the radio or computer speakers so we can hear those nice feedback sounds.
1.4 Have no speakers or radio? That is not a problem! Drain your cell phone battery prior to the call and let us enjoy nice beeping sounds every three seconds.
1.5 Have no cell phone? Not a problem! Get a cordless phone from your neighbor across the street and turn the antenna to the opposite direction. No neighbor? Just yell at your kids randomly without covering the phone with your hand.
1.6 If you havve two phones at home call tech support with your spouse on the other phone so you can both get tech support at the same time. Plus, during the call you can discuss your own business if the tech is quiet enough. Talking at the same time is also useful; that gives the tech twice as much information in a shorter period of time.
1.7 To make sure that you are doing everything correctly ask tech support to repeat every sentence at least once. By doing that you will give him a chance to make sure that you are on the right track. Better yet, spell out everything that he asks you to type, no matter if it is your email address or your last name.
1.8 Ask "Are we there yet?" and "how much longer will this take?" every 20 to 30 seconds. A tech will be able to accelerate the troubleshooting process after hearing that.
1.9 During system reboot please ask the tech "Where are you guys located?", it is essential for further troubleshooting.
2.0 Life is short, don't waste it, you can eat dinner and talk to the tech at the same time.
2.1 If you are a lawyer, being "computer illiterate" doesn't matter. Reply to the tech with your professional jargon. It will be educational for the tech.
2.2 Our techs are all mature adults. Using profanity while on the phone is appreciated.
2.3 We are here not only to help you get connected but also to listen to your family problems, old jokes, personal preferences, your life and sex life.
2.4 Make sure that you hold the phone as close to your speakers as you can so the tech can hear the startup and shutdown sounds (please note that the volume should be all the way up).
2.5 Set up your sound scheme to Underwater so the tech can hear a toilet flush on every click.
APPENDIX B
1. BE AWARE
1.1 When you ask a tech for a good book on Windows98, the tech might reply "Windows98 for Dummies." Be aware! There are no such publications. The tech is simply insulting your intelligence.
1.2 If the tecch recommends "Learning Win98 Visually" hi implies you need a book with pictures because you are so stupid that you can't even read. Ask for a supervisor immediately!
1.3 Going through the Ctrl+Alt+Del and doing "End Task" will uninstall all those programs that you have there.
1.3.1 Ctrl+Alt+Del command will destroy your system. (FATBODY NOTE: no, with windows, your system was bought
already destroyed!)
1.4 Rebooting your computer means pressing the button on the TV-thingy and then turning it back on. Under no circumstances agree to turn off the big gray box, because hardbooting (cutting the power) will cause unrepairable damage to your hard drive.
1.5 Windows ME is the same as Windows 2000.
1.6 It is our duty as a tech support representative to listen to your complaints regarding billing and shipment issues.
1.7 It is our responsibility to reimburse you the $400 phone bill which is a result of browsing "pay by phone" porno sites.
1.8 Your desktop has a picture of hardcore porno close-up, your home page is set to http://www.humpmebaby.com, you have a comet cursor logo at the bottom of your screen and your mouse arrow looks like a penis with two eyes...This is the result of a Windows glitch, not your horny 13 year old son.
1.9 IF your system runs at 10% free resources one of the techs might suggest to take out any of the 31 icons from your
system tray and about 50 from the startup folder. Do not fall for this because you USE IT and your computer is top of the line and should be able to handle those fine.
2.0 Most of the times username/password problems are on our end. Leaving the CAPS LOCK on has nothing to do with it.
2.1 Your windows network username and password ARE THE SAME as your ISP username and password.
2.2 "@" is shorthand for typing in "at" in email addresses. Don't use @. Go ahead and type "at."
2.2.1 To send an email to the webmaster of the website put the full website address in the "TO" field (e.g. http://www.peoplepc.com).
2.2.1.1 When sending your family fresh scanned photos make sure that those have at least 600dpi resolution and the size is not below 640X480. To save yourself time send all 20 files together.
2.2.1.1.1 Your mail with attached pictures will go off your outbox in a couple of seconds. It should not take much time on your 28.8K dialup either.
2.2.2 Our incoming mail server is POP3 and outgoing is SMTP (as is clearly indicated in the Outlook Express Account
Creation Wizard).
2.3 Your computer has 2 phone outlets, you can use either one of them to connect to the internet.
2.4 All recent models of computers have wireless modems; there is no need to plug the telephone cord into them.
2.5 Modems will function normally even if the telephone line is down.
2.5.1 "No answer" error and random disconnections have nothing to do with the static on the phone line, even if you can barely hear the tech.
2.6 If you are getting "No Dialtone" errors while trying to connect to the Internet and you are speaking with tech support at the same time on the same line please let them troubleshoot this as a separate connectivity issue.
2.7 After deleting essential parts of the netstac or registry tell the tech "My 4 year old son did it." This will make a tech have more compassion for you.
2.8 We got a lot of questions where some keys are located on the keyboard. To make it easier to use we printed a scheme of the keyboard. On the reverse side of this manual you will find a chart with locations of some of the most popular buttons such as: close, next, back, return, space, maximize, minimize, Start, Cancel, OK, Yes, No, and the all-time favorite "any" key.
2.9 New generation printers are all "plug-n-play". There is no need to use a CD which came in the package labelled:
"Printer Setup Disk."
3.0 "Non-system Disk" or "Boot Disk Error" is a server problem. Do not attempt to fix this by yourself. The floppy inside does not have anything to do with it. DENY that you have a floppy in the drive for as long as possible.
3.1 DVD disk is a new version of CD disk and therefore will work in a regular CD-ROM.
3.2 There is a built in radio in your CPU (CPU is a fancy tech jargon word for big gray box modem thingy).
3.3 CD-ROM Drive is not a cup holder. It is too small for mugs and will only fit paper cups. This is actually an ashtray.
3.4 Your computer comes with built in voice recognition software and hardware, refer to it as if you are talking to your friend.
3.5 The correct position for your task bar is on the right side, vertical.
3.5.1 The task bar changes its location and size randomly by itself.
APPENDIX D
WARRANTY UPDATES
1.1 Based on the increasing demand of replacement parts the following is now covered by the warranty:
-- Spilled water/coffee/tea/vine/urine on the keyboard, as a replacement you will get a new waterproof keyboard.
-- Acts of God or other supreme power such as: your urge for distruction, your kids, pets, and co-workers.
-- Mouse cleaning: including ball exchange, dust-cleaning, hair removal, and vinegar dips.
Good Times
For a few posts i'm going to reprint some things that i have carried with me for years. Please note that I personally composed none of these works; when I know the name of the author, I will include it. If YOU know the name of the author and I don't, comment the name so the author gets her proper notariety.
Monday, December 26, 2005
The Lie That Is Iraq
My brother has a good friend, an expatriot from Iraq, who has since gone back to his home country to help rebuild it after the toppling of Saddam. He has written back a lot, and what he says is quite different than what you see on TV. Don't die of a heart attack when you realize that what you see on TV isn't real. Didn't your momma teach you don't believe everything you see?
He's getting his US citizenship. He loves this country; all he has to do now is take the oath. Here is what he says about Iraq.
The people there love what we did for them. They do not protest. They do not complain. They are at peace. Sure there are hot spots where soldiers die. But they are only hot spots. The comparison was made that it closely resembles Los Angeles. White people don't go into Compton at night. They just don't. It's the same way in places in Iraq. But for the most part, the people are at peace.
Also when they say on the news "Yes, we want the U.S. to get out of our country" it isn't because they think they've been victimized or invaded. It's because they are ready to govern themselves again, or at least try to, and they're expressing their belief that the work of the U.S. is done.
After two successful elections, their government is quickly on the way to recovery. And hopefully this Iraqi friend can take both my brother and me to see the ruins of Babylon. We would like that. But for now, he says, white people don't walk the streets of Compton at night.
So Babylon is going to have to wait, for now.
And to Saddam's complaints that he doesn't have a park to walk in and exercise while he's in jail, tell that to the families of the people he gassed and threw into mass graves. He should be glad he's still alive.
He's getting his US citizenship. He loves this country; all he has to do now is take the oath. Here is what he says about Iraq.
The people there love what we did for them. They do not protest. They do not complain. They are at peace. Sure there are hot spots where soldiers die. But they are only hot spots. The comparison was made that it closely resembles Los Angeles. White people don't go into Compton at night. They just don't. It's the same way in places in Iraq. But for the most part, the people are at peace.
Also when they say on the news "Yes, we want the U.S. to get out of our country" it isn't because they think they've been victimized or invaded. It's because they are ready to govern themselves again, or at least try to, and they're expressing their belief that the work of the U.S. is done.
After two successful elections, their government is quickly on the way to recovery. And hopefully this Iraqi friend can take both my brother and me to see the ruins of Babylon. We would like that. But for now, he says, white people don't walk the streets of Compton at night.
So Babylon is going to have to wait, for now.
And to Saddam's complaints that he doesn't have a park to walk in and exercise while he's in jail, tell that to the families of the people he gassed and threw into mass graves. He should be glad he's still alive.
Miranda On A Milkbox
Ok i don't even know if that's how you properly spell miranda, but i don't really care. What I do care about is this government of mine continually eroding away my civil liberties because of a fart and a whim.
What is up with this new "law" by our wonderful president saying that wiretaps can be used without a warrant? Oh rest assured they'll only be used if there's reason to do so. HEY WAKE UP AMERICA! THATS THE WAY THE LAW ALREADY WAS! Ever hear of probable cause? Proving to a judge that you know someone might be up to something so you get a warrant to investigate further?
They claim that they don't have time to get a warrant. BULLSHIT. What they are saying is their intelligence sucks so bad they want to be able to stop a guy when they pick up an errant signal on a cell phone that says "OH MY GOD I"M READY, PUSH THE BUTTON!" People don't plan to bomb things then go and do it before the end of the commercial break. COME ON, GEORGE! GET YOUR CRONIES TO TELL BETTER LIES!
And scan this email. I dare you. Come give me problems. Give me MORE reasons to run my mouth. That diarrhea isn't stopping, and you ain't got enough immodium to shut me up. Try me.
What is up with this new "law" by our wonderful president saying that wiretaps can be used without a warrant? Oh rest assured they'll only be used if there's reason to do so. HEY WAKE UP AMERICA! THATS THE WAY THE LAW ALREADY WAS! Ever hear of probable cause? Proving to a judge that you know someone might be up to something so you get a warrant to investigate further?
They claim that they don't have time to get a warrant. BULLSHIT. What they are saying is their intelligence sucks so bad they want to be able to stop a guy when they pick up an errant signal on a cell phone that says "OH MY GOD I"M READY, PUSH THE BUTTON!" People don't plan to bomb things then go and do it before the end of the commercial break. COME ON, GEORGE! GET YOUR CRONIES TO TELL BETTER LIES!
And scan this email. I dare you. Come give me problems. Give me MORE reasons to run my mouth. That diarrhea isn't stopping, and you ain't got enough immodium to shut me up. Try me.
Conspiracy Theory #245, Version 2.1
Ok. Everybody gather 'round, cause i got something to say. We live in a world where corporate entities rule. They make their own laws, and do what they can to subjugate the populace into a state of mindless slavery, walking from point to point as sheep being led to shearing. Or cows to slaughter. Whatever is easier for you to imagine.
No, I'm not talking about enron, george bush, or drilling in alaska. I'm talking about comcast cable.
They, like every other internet, tv, phone, or similar service, are all in on this.
This is what they do. The first thing you get when you call in is "press 1 if you are an existing customer, press 2 if you are seeking to add services". This is where they get you. If you press 2, you go straight to a current queue where a csr will answer your call as soon as possible. Why? cause they want to look good enough for you to sign a contract, give them money, and get pushed into the limbo of being a subscriber.
Because what happens is simple. Once they have you hooked, and say you have a problem with your service, the minute you press 1 on that menu, you get thrown into the bottomless pit of calls on hold.
And you're on hold, for hours and hours.
And you can't cancel your service, because you have to press 1 to get that far, and then you're on hold. Because if you're on hold, you can't cancel, and you still have to pay.
That's the corporate service limbo trap.
I've seen it everywhere. Comcast does it. Bellsouth did it. Insight cable, who I used to work for, did it.
And then if you go to the only local paycenter (cause you don't want to call michigan) they tell you they only accept payments and can't add or delete service.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Snake Blisken were around to send us all into a technological dark age. POWER TO THE PEOPLE! Don't worry comcast, I got my two cups and string. It is more reliable than your service. Trust me.
No, I'm not talking about enron, george bush, or drilling in alaska. I'm talking about comcast cable.
They, like every other internet, tv, phone, or similar service, are all in on this.
This is what they do. The first thing you get when you call in is "press 1 if you are an existing customer, press 2 if you are seeking to add services". This is where they get you. If you press 2, you go straight to a current queue where a csr will answer your call as soon as possible. Why? cause they want to look good enough for you to sign a contract, give them money, and get pushed into the limbo of being a subscriber.
Because what happens is simple. Once they have you hooked, and say you have a problem with your service, the minute you press 1 on that menu, you get thrown into the bottomless pit of calls on hold.
And you're on hold, for hours and hours.
And you can't cancel your service, because you have to press 1 to get that far, and then you're on hold. Because if you're on hold, you can't cancel, and you still have to pay.
That's the corporate service limbo trap.
I've seen it everywhere. Comcast does it. Bellsouth did it. Insight cable, who I used to work for, did it.
And then if you go to the only local paycenter (cause you don't want to call michigan) they tell you they only accept payments and can't add or delete service.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Snake Blisken were around to send us all into a technological dark age. POWER TO THE PEOPLE! Don't worry comcast, I got my two cups and string. It is more reliable than your service. Trust me.
Carpenters' 759 Performs Brain Surgery
Ok. What is it with company outsourcing? I think that's what they call it. You know it looks like a good idea on paper, but in reality, THIS IDEA IS SHIT!
I am, to use a cliché, sick and tired of having to talk to some handjob in alabama or michigan to get something done in my own hometown. HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON 3000 MILES AWAY?
EXAMPLES:
We had fast access dsl by bellsouth installed when we first moved in. I think yes, we talked to some drooling retard (no offense to real retards) in alabama. A yes woman.
Sure... they can install it. Sure.. there's no problem. Sure, I can't find east tennessee on a map, but sure, we'll get it done.
They install it. We had the service for one week and the damn thing never worked. Now i like to consider myself somewhat technologically savvy in the internet category (seeing as it was my job) and i was taking it personally that i couldn't get the damn thing to work. So i called bellsouth, finally got through and someone did a netsniff and found the signal dying very badly in my neighborhood. So she scheduled a technician, from michigan. or alabama? Who knows.
So the technician came out, came right to my door, knocked, and said "i'm sorry sir but this service just isn't going to work here." He told me the way the infrastructure is lain, the main trunk is less than 100 yards from my house, but the branch goes 3000 out of the way before it comes back to me. So I guess drunk one eyed morons with no depth perception and sense of direction lay lines for bellsouth. I mean what kind of moron designs like that. And we say we are superior beings. Let me tell you, walking upright doesn't go very far when paired against designs like this.
Well i called bellsouth to cancel the service. The lady asks me, why sir, if i may ask, are you cancelling it? I said "cause the damn thing doesn't work." She asked how I knew that, and i told her the bellsouth technician told me so. She was surprised he had said that, and was feeling really guilty because she had no idea they had that problem in my area. I told her not to worry about it, because how could she know we had that line problem? SHE'S 2000 MILES AWAY!
I think they do this on purpose, that way they can give you shoddy workmanship, string you on for a few months payment, then not get you to disconnect because you can't even get through. More on this theory in the next post.
But anyways, I just wonder when my surgery is going to be subcontracted. I think it would be great to be spackled up by a carpenter instead of stitched up by a surgeon. Maybe I can get a catalytic converter installed instead of lungs. Who knows.
Things like this make me want to read old mary worth comics.
I am, to use a cliché, sick and tired of having to talk to some handjob in alabama or michigan to get something done in my own hometown. HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON 3000 MILES AWAY?
EXAMPLES:
We had fast access dsl by bellsouth installed when we first moved in. I think yes, we talked to some drooling retard (no offense to real retards) in alabama. A yes woman.
Sure... they can install it. Sure.. there's no problem. Sure, I can't find east tennessee on a map, but sure, we'll get it done.
They install it. We had the service for one week and the damn thing never worked. Now i like to consider myself somewhat technologically savvy in the internet category (seeing as it was my job) and i was taking it personally that i couldn't get the damn thing to work. So i called bellsouth, finally got through and someone did a netsniff and found the signal dying very badly in my neighborhood. So she scheduled a technician, from michigan. or alabama? Who knows.
So the technician came out, came right to my door, knocked, and said "i'm sorry sir but this service just isn't going to work here." He told me the way the infrastructure is lain, the main trunk is less than 100 yards from my house, but the branch goes 3000 out of the way before it comes back to me. So I guess drunk one eyed morons with no depth perception and sense of direction lay lines for bellsouth. I mean what kind of moron designs like that. And we say we are superior beings. Let me tell you, walking upright doesn't go very far when paired against designs like this.
Well i called bellsouth to cancel the service. The lady asks me, why sir, if i may ask, are you cancelling it? I said "cause the damn thing doesn't work." She asked how I knew that, and i told her the bellsouth technician told me so. She was surprised he had said that, and was feeling really guilty because she had no idea they had that problem in my area. I told her not to worry about it, because how could she know we had that line problem? SHE'S 2000 MILES AWAY!
I think they do this on purpose, that way they can give you shoddy workmanship, string you on for a few months payment, then not get you to disconnect because you can't even get through. More on this theory in the next post.
But anyways, I just wonder when my surgery is going to be subcontracted. I think it would be great to be spackled up by a carpenter instead of stitched up by a surgeon. Maybe I can get a catalytic converter installed instead of lungs. Who knows.
Things like this make me want to read old mary worth comics.
United Van Lines Sucks!
Ok. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever use United Van Lines to move your stuff. That is if you want to keep it. Let me elaborate.
First the packers come. They are supposed to arrive at 8 am. They arrive at 10. They pack up every thing in your house, including dirt you have not swept up and any dead bugs that might be in your garage or god forbid your cabinet. They don't know how to read. I had signs up that read "do not remove what is in this cabinet", and the packer would point to the sign and say... "stuff in here go?"
They take smoking breaks every ten minutes, turning a four hour packing job into 16. They take things they aren't supposed to take. I pointed to my circular saw, said clearly DO NOT TAKE THIS, and they packed it and put it on the truck. I told them, DO NOT PACK THE LAWNMOWER. We have an electric lawnmower. They left it, sure enough, but took the damn key out of it and packed and sent it, leaving me with an unuseable lawnmower. IDIOTS!
They took our futon. This is not a walmart special futon; this futon came from a furniture store, is made of solid oak, and cost upwards of 700 bucks. Well after they got away with it they decided to try to take it apart. The idiots didn't know what they were doing, and tore the wooden supports apart, breaking bolts in the wood, cracking the wood. It's like instead of doing a simple screw technique, they got some bodybuilder to rip the boards apart.
And get this. Because they FORCED ME to sign away that they would only pay 60 cents per pound for lost or damaged articles, and my homeowners SHOULD pay the rest, and my homeowners deductible is greater than 700 dollars, NO ONE WILL REPLACE THE FUTON. So they basically broke the shit out of my stuff, and I HAVE TO PAY to fix it.
And now so I will get this blog to come up when someone googles for united van lines, I will now type united van lines one hundred times! DONT USE UNITED VAN LINES!
united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines
ok not 100 times. Maybe that's enough.
Asshats.
First the packers come. They are supposed to arrive at 8 am. They arrive at 10. They pack up every thing in your house, including dirt you have not swept up and any dead bugs that might be in your garage or god forbid your cabinet. They don't know how to read. I had signs up that read "do not remove what is in this cabinet", and the packer would point to the sign and say... "stuff in here go?"
They take smoking breaks every ten minutes, turning a four hour packing job into 16. They take things they aren't supposed to take. I pointed to my circular saw, said clearly DO NOT TAKE THIS, and they packed it and put it on the truck. I told them, DO NOT PACK THE LAWNMOWER. We have an electric lawnmower. They left it, sure enough, but took the damn key out of it and packed and sent it, leaving me with an unuseable lawnmower. IDIOTS!
They took our futon. This is not a walmart special futon; this futon came from a furniture store, is made of solid oak, and cost upwards of 700 bucks. Well after they got away with it they decided to try to take it apart. The idiots didn't know what they were doing, and tore the wooden supports apart, breaking bolts in the wood, cracking the wood. It's like instead of doing a simple screw technique, they got some bodybuilder to rip the boards apart.
And get this. Because they FORCED ME to sign away that they would only pay 60 cents per pound for lost or damaged articles, and my homeowners SHOULD pay the rest, and my homeowners deductible is greater than 700 dollars, NO ONE WILL REPLACE THE FUTON. So they basically broke the shit out of my stuff, and I HAVE TO PAY to fix it.
And now so I will get this blog to come up when someone googles for united van lines, I will now type united van lines one hundred times! DONT USE UNITED VAN LINES!
united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines
ok not 100 times. Maybe that's enough.
Asshats.
Been Gone
Sorry about not posting lately, but I've been really busy. Now that I'm moved, I have lots of things to rant about. I'll put them in separate posts. Enjoy the venom.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Sacred Unity
Lately, because my wife and I are unfortunately separated while I fix our old house up for sale, people have been asking me, "so, do you miss her?"
What kind of idiotic self deserving redneck foolish dumbass question is that?
I guess people today live in such a world of dishonor and infidelity that they've forgotten that people still do marry because they actually like each other.
That's one reason why I'm for gay marriage. If we let gays marry, maybe then we can restore some sacred honor to the union.
Yeah. Choke on the irony.
What kind of idiotic self deserving redneck foolish dumbass question is that?
I guess people today live in such a world of dishonor and infidelity that they've forgotten that people still do marry because they actually like each other.
That's one reason why I'm for gay marriage. If we let gays marry, maybe then we can restore some sacred honor to the union.
Yeah. Choke on the irony.
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