This is a little note I have kept with myself for about thirteen or so years. I don't know who composed it. I have been an avid role player and game master for quite some time, and I always found this list humorous. If you're a game master, or player even, you're bound to find memories in that head of yours tied to the types on this list.
The 35 Types Of Players
author unknown
THE REAL MAN – “Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o’clock!! CHARGE!”
THE REAL ROLE PLAYER – “Don’t start yet! I need my two minutes to get properly into character.”
THE LOONY – “I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips.”
THE MUNCHKIN – “Five arch devils and two demigods? That’s ALL? I guess I’ll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter.”
THE COWARD – “Yikes! Three kobolds! Retreat! RETREAT!”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – “Just before the mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast “command – vomit” on him.”
THE NOVICE – “I just rolled a 2 on my “to-hit” roll. Did I want high or low?”
THE TACTICIAN – “The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage shall remain behind the door in preparation of a “sleep” spell, which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I shall…”
THE QUIET TYPE – “I dunno.. I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess.”
THE PUNSTER – “You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One… to cast “cure light.””
THE PC INFIGHTER – “Sinth’s been such a twit. I hit her in the face with my flail while she’s casting her “find familiar” spell.”
JOE-I-GOT-THE-RULES-DOWN-PAT – “No, if you look in the DMG, page 81, paragraph 5, you’ll find this spell won’t affect griffons.”
THE WHINER – “Three points? I take three points of damage?!”
THE BULLY – “Are you sure I don’t make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?”
Mr. GREEDY – “So it’s not evil? And it’s not attacking? So what! I want that xp!”
THE CHEATER – “I roll an… 18! It hits!” (quickly grabs dice)
THE CHASTISER – “And you didn’t see that trap coming? HAHA! Just how long did you say you’ve been playing this game?”
THE KAMIKAZE – “I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, I set off the ‘fire trap’ on all of my nine flasks of oil.”
THE GOOD ROLLER – “Oh looky here. An 03 percentile dice… If that door was trapped, I just found something.”
THE BAD ROLLER – “Oh, damn it all! Another critical fumble!”
THE BRAGGART – “The thought of you attacking me isn’t even interesting. I could get off a sleep spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath.”
THE REMINISCER – “Say, y’know, this is kind of like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lockpick an unlocked door.”
GOODY TWO SHOES – “Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can’t kill them when they’re asleep and can’t defend themselves.”
THE OVEROPTIMISTIC DAYDREAMER – “After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine or ten levels, I’m going to buy me the finest battle axe that money can buy.”
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN MAN – “Hmm? What? Oh, are we attacking now?”
THERMONUCLEAR MAN – “Alright, I swing at the orc with my bastard sword. (rolls) That’s a 2… +2 for strength… +3 for specialization, +2 for (and on and on). So that’s a 27. (sarcastic grin) Does it hit?”
THE GM HATER – the person who comes into the game and does his best to think of ways to react to a situation that the GM hasn’t. Having a pc who is slightly schizophrenic is a good excuse for this. NOTE: mixes really badly with the “storytelling” style of GM.
THE MINDLESS PLAYER – GM: “The gaping chasm stretches out before you. It is too far to jump across.” PLAYER: “I jump the chasm.”
THE CRYBABY – “you mean the big rock crushed me? My character’s dead? Really really dead? NOOOOOO!”
THE COWBOY – “II walk proudly up to the King and challenge him to a duel to the death. Oh yeah, I make sure to call him a wimp.”
THE WORRY WORT – “Okay, my mage is invisible, levitating thirty meters above the party, has a phantom armor and a stoneskin on him, a ring of fire resistance owrn, a minor globe of invulnerability up, (and on and on). Damn! I have a bad feeling about this!.” DM: Suddenly, a spellcaster appears in the hallway before you. Quickly gesturing in the direction of the invisible mage, he casts a spell…
THE PSYCHO KILLER – DM: “okay, you open the door and you see –“ PK: “KILL KILL KILL!! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD! RAAAAAAAGHHH!”
THE CAVERN SHYSTER – “Oh, so the illusionary medusa I cast at the Archdemon Orcus doesn’t turn him to stone, does it? Well if you look at the spell description, it says right here that he gets no save, has no chance to disbelieve, and I made my magic resistance roll! What do you say to that?” DM: “Orcus is a demon lord. He eats medusae for breakfast. Amidst a hearty chuckle of laughter at your feeble attempt at illusion, he throws a thirty die lightning bolt at you. What do you say to that?”
THE PIG-EYED GLUTTON – “Now how do we go about carting off this 800 copper pieces? We’re already loaded down with the four suits of leather armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..”
THE MASOCHIST – “I stop running, turn around, slap the minotaur, and tell him to stop breathing down my neck."
1 comment:
I originally saw this list back in about 1990 or '91 on Steve Jackson's Illuminati bulletin board system based out of Austin, TX. The original list only had 25 types of players on it. The last ten must've been added over the years. You can tell someone else wrote them, as they aren't quite as funny and are somewhat redundant. This brought back some memories for me though. :)
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