Ok so those lackeys in the white house have decided to subpoena google for data, saying they are searching to see if anyone used their search engine to find kiddy porn. This is pathetic. This reflects the current state of our intelligence. What kind of moron doesn't know how to use the internet? I'm not saying that people won't use google to search for child porn. What I'm saying is that this kind of thing is a smokescreen.
What I mean is it doesn't take a rocket scientist to find kiddie porn on the internet. You don't need to subpoena google. Hell just type in www.iwantsex.com or the equivalent and browse the links. If you're lucky, THERE WILL EVEN BE A BANNER.
Get off it george. If you really want a list of people who masturbate, just use the phone book. I hate to tell you and your fellow right-wing nutjob fundamentalist friends this, but you do have these parts between your legs, and it does feel good when you touch them.
Feels better than drinking, snorting cocaine, and dodging Viet Nam even. Don't tell us you're looking for child porn when it's already right in front of your damn face. Be honest about it. You just want to know what everyone's looking at, cause you can't stand people having their own brain waves.
Oh and one more thing. George, I know you have a government email address. George, I know other people that do. George, they get spam every day about porn, whether it's lengthening penis size or whatnot. George, often times theres also kiddie porn there. Why don't you start your investigation there instead of stretching the laws as you see fit?
Wait, I forgot. You can't read. Nevermind. At least you can look at the pictures though, even if it makes your gonads tingle.
More on this later.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
The 41 Types of Game Masters
In case you were interested in the 35 types of role players list, click here to read it. Otherwise, enjoy the post!
To counter the 35 types of players, this list came out at the same time. It is the 41 types of gamemasters. I'm sure all of you players out there encountered one or more of these guys in the past. Again, the author is unknown. My favorite has always been MR. FLOWERY.
The 41 Types of Game Masters
author unknown
THE MUNCHKIN – “Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even unleashing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half gray-elven/ half gold-dragon 50th level paladin/wizard/cleric/monk/bard gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulu who grovels at his feet…”
MONTY HAUL – “You are each granted one wish.”
“I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna.”
“I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless.”
“I wish to have…”
“Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?”
KILLER – “As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from behind it, killing you. No, there is no “to hit” roll, or saving throw allowed.”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes, which read, “Don’t let anyone know there is nothing on this note.”
THE CHEATER – “I don’t care if you hit on an 18 last time, THIS time you missed, and I don’t want to hear another thing about it.”
MR. DON’T-QUESTION-ME – “A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with that?”
THE NOVICE – “you rolled a 2 on your “to hit” roll. Did you want high or low?”
VERBOSE – “The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly polished, smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass. It’s kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast iron and you see… (sounds of snoring from the party members).
WITH A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her..”
WITHOUT A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued (hee hee) courteously accepts your offer (snort) to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her (haha) boy are you gonna get it now (giggle)."
MR. TIMID – “The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that’s OK with you, Steve. Really, you’ve got 17 hit points left and he has only 2. So you’ll be okay, OK?”
DEPALMA SCHOOL OF BLOOD AND GORE – “Your magic drill cleaves the demon’s skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement.”
GIBSON SCHOOL OF WRITING GRADUATES – “The view in the crystal ball was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel.”
VENGEFUL – “You won’t go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack Christine.”
AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your part.”
ANTI AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You die an ignoble death.”
THE STICKLER FOR DETAIL – “Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast, … and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive this fall.”
NO ORIGINALITY – “It’s a quest, see, you’re trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest II thought of this campaign myself.”
LEADING AND OVERBEARING – “You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red dragon’s lair to the west.”
“Too risky, we go to hear rumors somewhere else.”
“A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon’s lair for him.”
“We say no thank you and leave for the next village.”
“On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon’s lair…”
THE DUNGEON BUILDER – “The first door in the hallway opens onto a 20’x20’ room containing a griffon. The next room contains a party of orcs. The next contains a gelatinous cube. The next contains a couple giants…”
THE SCHMUCK – “Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I’ll let you have a 50% chance. Oh, Okay. 75% then.”
THE EXECUTIONER – “A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through his head.”
THE GHOUL – “That’s the 17th character you’ve rolled tonight? MWUHAHAHA.”
THE ABSOLUTE MONARCH – “The huge red dragon CAN fit through the little hole, because I SAID SO!”
THE GENEROUS MUNCHKIN – “Okay, now that you’ve killed that kobold, you open the treasure chests and find 100,000 gold pieces, 50,000 platinum pieces, and two hundred gems worth a million gold each. Oh, and a +20 vorpal sword. And before I forget, a Rod of Seven Parts, too.”
THE KILLER MUNCHKIN – “You guys are dead.”
THE WHINING MUNCHKIN – “But, but, you guys CAN’T do that! It’s my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaiiiiiil.”
THE DIE MODIFIER – “Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers you know.”
THE UNIMAGINITIVE TYPE – “You walk into the bar and see 30 mercenaries all wearing scale mail and carrying longswords. They all sit at separate tables.”
THE DESIGN ZEALOT – “I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to populate.”
THE STORYTELLER / SCRIPTER – He has the plot for the adventure all figured out, and you’re going to follow it come hell or high water.
THE PLANNER – He has everything for the adventure carefully planned and written out ahead of time. He has all the NPC stats and backgrounds, details, who will tell what, and so forth.
THE MAKE-IT-UP-AS-WE-GO – He comes in with a vague idea of what the PCs will run into today, and fills in the details as he goes along.
THE LITERAL TYPE – Player: “I wish joe had more lives.” GM: “Joe, you are now a schizophrenic.” Player: “What is the air speed of a swallow?” GM: “ African or European?”
THE SADIST – “Just then, 80 ancient huge red dragons descend on your party. They all breathe on you at once. What do you do now?”
THE SADIST WITH MASOCHISTIC PLAYERS – “Realizing that you are adventurers the 80 ancient huge red dragons kill themselves to prevent you from getting the experience for them (pre 2nd edition).”
GRADUATE OF THE BOB NEWHART SCHOOL OF DRY HUMOR – “okay, the sun goes nova and you are caught in the explosion. Everybody takes (rolls) nine thousand seven hundred and forty-eight points of fire damage from the plasma…. Save for half… What’d you roll? Oh, too bad.”
THE NICE TYPE – “Well, Bill, I don’t know how to tell you this. Your character is dead. Just like that. I’m really sorry, but you know, these things happen. ‘Man hath but a short time to live, and that full of sorrow.’ Look man, I know you’re hurting. If you want to tlak about it, we can take a break.”
MONTY PYTHON-ESQUE – “Oh no! The mutated potato monster sprays the party with a stream of Red-Hot Wolf Nipple Chips ™! Everybody takes zero damage, save vs. the heebie-jeebies or become frightened and explode!”
MR. FORGETFUL – “Okay you walk into the room. The orcs look up from their card game, much surprised to see anybody at this hour, and grab their …. What? You’ve already been through here and killed the orcs? Damn. Okay let’s try that again. You notice seven slaughtered orcs.”
MR. FLOWERY – “Oho! Methinks that the Purple Mage has waxed sorely pissed at they attempt to engulf him they vomitous Stinking Cloud dweomer! By my trow, he has, in his wroth, flung a Power Word Kill at thee, with a shout of ‘Have at thee vile knave!’ What dost thou doest now, brave adventurer?”
THE CHAOS KING – “Ok, the gnome got off his confusion spell. Everyone roll their actions as the 4 leprechauns chase 3 rust monsters into the camp. By the way, the two hobbits who you found tied to a tree earlier take this moment to change into doppelgangers and attack the princess you’re supposed to be guarding. You see all this clearly because the wagons in the caravan are burning from the arrows the orcs have fired at them. Who’s wearing armor, as you were all asleep?”
To counter the 35 types of players, this list came out at the same time. It is the 41 types of gamemasters. I'm sure all of you players out there encountered one or more of these guys in the past. Again, the author is unknown. My favorite has always been MR. FLOWERY.
The 41 Types of Game Masters
author unknown
THE MUNCHKIN – “Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly, without even unleashing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half gray-elven/ half gold-dragon 50th level paladin/wizard/cleric/monk/bard gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulu who grovels at his feet…”
MONTY HAUL – “You are each granted one wish.”
“I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna.”
“I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless.”
“I wish to have…”
“Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?”
KILLER – “As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon you from behind it, killing you. No, there is no “to hit” roll, or saving throw allowed.”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – singles out one player and continually hands him/her notes, which read, “Don’t let anyone know there is nothing on this note.”
THE CHEATER – “I don’t care if you hit on an 18 last time, THIS time you missed, and I don’t want to hear another thing about it.”
MR. DON’T-QUESTION-ME – “A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with that?”
THE NOVICE – “you rolled a 2 on your “to hit” roll. Did you want high or low?”
VERBOSE – “The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of roughly polished, smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass. It’s kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely cast iron and you see… (sounds of snoring from the party members).
WITH A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued courteously accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her..”
WITHOUT A POKER FACE – “The slave you rescued (hee hee) courteously accepts your offer (snort) to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her (haha) boy are you gonna get it now (giggle)."
MR. TIMID – “The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that’s OK with you, Steve. Really, you’ve got 17 hit points left and he has only 2. So you’ll be okay, OK?”
DEPALMA SCHOOL OF BLOOD AND GORE – “Your magic drill cleaves the demon’s skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement.”
GIBSON SCHOOL OF WRITING GRADUATES – “The view in the crystal ball was the color of a television, tuned to a dead channel.”
VENGEFUL – “You won’t go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the were-rats attack Christine.”
AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic effort on your part.”
ANTI AD&D’er – “The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a lobster. You die an ignoble death.”
THE STICKLER FOR DETAIL – “Taking into account atmospheric conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast, … and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive this fall.”
NO ORIGINALITY – “It’s a quest, see, you’re trying to take this ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest II thought of this campaign myself.”
LEADING AND OVERBEARING – “You pump the bartender for information and he tells you about a red dragon’s lair to the west.”
“Too risky, we go to hear rumors somewhere else.”
“A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon’s lair for him.”
“We say no thank you and leave for the next village.”
“On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon’s lair…”
THE DUNGEON BUILDER – “The first door in the hallway opens onto a 20’x20’ room containing a griffon. The next room contains a party of orcs. The next contains a gelatinous cube. The next contains a couple giants…”
THE SCHMUCK – “Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I’ll let you have a 50% chance. Oh, Okay. 75% then.”
THE EXECUTIONER – “A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a hole through his head.”
THE GHOUL – “That’s the 17th character you’ve rolled tonight? MWUHAHAHA.”
THE ABSOLUTE MONARCH – “The huge red dragon CAN fit through the little hole, because I SAID SO!”
THE GENEROUS MUNCHKIN – “Okay, now that you’ve killed that kobold, you open the treasure chests and find 100,000 gold pieces, 50,000 platinum pieces, and two hundred gems worth a million gold each. Oh, and a +20 vorpal sword. And before I forget, a Rod of Seven Parts, too.”
THE KILLER MUNCHKIN – “You guys are dead.”
THE WHINING MUNCHKIN – “But, but, you guys CAN’T do that! It’s my only dungeon! Waaaaaaaiiiiiil.”
THE DIE MODIFIER – “Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers you know.”
THE UNIMAGINITIVE TYPE – “You walk into the bar and see 30 mercenaries all wearing scale mail and carrying longswords. They all sit at separate tables.”
THE DESIGN ZEALOT – “I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3 more levels to populate.”
THE STORYTELLER / SCRIPTER – He has the plot for the adventure all figured out, and you’re going to follow it come hell or high water.
THE PLANNER – He has everything for the adventure carefully planned and written out ahead of time. He has all the NPC stats and backgrounds, details, who will tell what, and so forth.
THE MAKE-IT-UP-AS-WE-GO – He comes in with a vague idea of what the PCs will run into today, and fills in the details as he goes along.
THE LITERAL TYPE – Player: “I wish joe had more lives.” GM: “Joe, you are now a schizophrenic.” Player: “What is the air speed of a swallow?” GM: “ African or European?”
THE SADIST – “Just then, 80 ancient huge red dragons descend on your party. They all breathe on you at once. What do you do now?”
THE SADIST WITH MASOCHISTIC PLAYERS – “Realizing that you are adventurers the 80 ancient huge red dragons kill themselves to prevent you from getting the experience for them (pre 2nd edition).”
GRADUATE OF THE BOB NEWHART SCHOOL OF DRY HUMOR – “okay, the sun goes nova and you are caught in the explosion. Everybody takes (rolls) nine thousand seven hundred and forty-eight points of fire damage from the plasma…. Save for half… What’d you roll? Oh, too bad.”
THE NICE TYPE – “Well, Bill, I don’t know how to tell you this. Your character is dead. Just like that. I’m really sorry, but you know, these things happen. ‘Man hath but a short time to live, and that full of sorrow.’ Look man, I know you’re hurting. If you want to tlak about it, we can take a break.”
MONTY PYTHON-ESQUE – “Oh no! The mutated potato monster sprays the party with a stream of Red-Hot Wolf Nipple Chips ™! Everybody takes zero damage, save vs. the heebie-jeebies or become frightened and explode!”
MR. FORGETFUL – “Okay you walk into the room. The orcs look up from their card game, much surprised to see anybody at this hour, and grab their …. What? You’ve already been through here and killed the orcs? Damn. Okay let’s try that again. You notice seven slaughtered orcs.”
MR. FLOWERY – “Oho! Methinks that the Purple Mage has waxed sorely pissed at they attempt to engulf him they vomitous Stinking Cloud dweomer! By my trow, he has, in his wroth, flung a Power Word Kill at thee, with a shout of ‘Have at thee vile knave!’ What dost thou doest now, brave adventurer?”
THE CHAOS KING – “Ok, the gnome got off his confusion spell. Everyone roll their actions as the 4 leprechauns chase 3 rust monsters into the camp. By the way, the two hobbits who you found tied to a tree earlier take this moment to change into doppelgangers and attack the princess you’re supposed to be guarding. You see all this clearly because the wagons in the caravan are burning from the arrows the orcs have fired at them. Who’s wearing armor, as you were all asleep?”
The 35 Types of Role Players
This page gets a lot of traffic, so much that I thought I'd leave a link directing you to the types of Game Masters. Enjoy! Click here for the list of Game Masters.
This is a little note I have kept with myself for about thirteen or so years. I don't know who composed it. I have been an avid role player and game master for quite some time, and I always found this list humorous. If you're a game master, or player even, you're bound to find memories in that head of yours tied to the types on this list.
The 35 Types Of Players
author unknown
THE REAL MAN – “Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o’clock!! CHARGE!”
THE REAL ROLE PLAYER – “Don’t start yet! I need my two minutes to get properly into character.”
THE LOONY – “I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips.”
THE MUNCHKIN – “Five arch devils and two demigods? That’s ALL? I guess I’ll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter.”
THE COWARD – “Yikes! Three kobolds! Retreat! RETREAT!”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – “Just before the mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast “command – vomit” on him.”
THE NOVICE – “I just rolled a 2 on my “to-hit” roll. Did I want high or low?”
THE TACTICIAN – “The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage shall remain behind the door in preparation of a “sleep” spell, which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I shall…”
THE QUIET TYPE – “I dunno.. I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess.”
THE PUNSTER – “You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One… to cast “cure light.””
THE PC INFIGHTER – “Sinth’s been such a twit. I hit her in the face with my flail while she’s casting her “find familiar” spell.”
JOE-I-GOT-THE-RULES-DOWN-PAT – “No, if you look in the DMG, page 81, paragraph 5, you’ll find this spell won’t affect griffons.”
THE WHINER – “Three points? I take three points of damage?!”
THE BULLY – “Are you sure I don’t make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?”
Mr. GREEDY – “So it’s not evil? And it’s not attacking? So what! I want that xp!”
THE CHEATER – “I roll an… 18! It hits!” (quickly grabs dice)
THE CHASTISER – “And you didn’t see that trap coming? HAHA! Just how long did you say you’ve been playing this game?”
THE KAMIKAZE – “I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, I set off the ‘fire trap’ on all of my nine flasks of oil.”
THE GOOD ROLLER – “Oh looky here. An 03 percentile dice… If that door was trapped, I just found something.”
THE BAD ROLLER – “Oh, damn it all! Another critical fumble!”
THE BRAGGART – “The thought of you attacking me isn’t even interesting. I could get off a sleep spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath.”
THE REMINISCER – “Say, y’know, this is kind of like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lockpick an unlocked door.”
GOODY TWO SHOES – “Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can’t kill them when they’re asleep and can’t defend themselves.”
THE OVEROPTIMISTIC DAYDREAMER – “After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine or ten levels, I’m going to buy me the finest battle axe that money can buy.”
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN MAN – “Hmm? What? Oh, are we attacking now?”
THERMONUCLEAR MAN – “Alright, I swing at the orc with my bastard sword. (rolls) That’s a 2… +2 for strength… +3 for specialization, +2 for (and on and on). So that’s a 27. (sarcastic grin) Does it hit?”
THE GM HATER – the person who comes into the game and does his best to think of ways to react to a situation that the GM hasn’t. Having a pc who is slightly schizophrenic is a good excuse for this. NOTE: mixes really badly with the “storytelling” style of GM.
THE MINDLESS PLAYER – GM: “The gaping chasm stretches out before you. It is too far to jump across.” PLAYER: “I jump the chasm.”
THE CRYBABY – “you mean the big rock crushed me? My character’s dead? Really really dead? NOOOOOO!”
THE COWBOY – “II walk proudly up to the King and challenge him to a duel to the death. Oh yeah, I make sure to call him a wimp.”
THE WORRY WORT – “Okay, my mage is invisible, levitating thirty meters above the party, has a phantom armor and a stoneskin on him, a ring of fire resistance owrn, a minor globe of invulnerability up, (and on and on). Damn! I have a bad feeling about this!.” DM: Suddenly, a spellcaster appears in the hallway before you. Quickly gesturing in the direction of the invisible mage, he casts a spell…. Oh, my! Mr. worry wort has just plummeted thirty meters to the ground, to his death.
THE PSYCHO KILLER – DM: “okay, you open the door and you see –“ PK: “KILL KILL KILL!! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD! RAAAAAAAGHHH!”
THE CAVERN SHYSTER – “Oh, so the illusionary medusa I cast at the Archdemon Orcus doesn’t turn him to stone, does it? Well if you look at the spell description, it says right here that he gets no save, has no chance to disbelieve, and I made my magic resistance roll! What do you say to that?” DM: “Orcus is a demon lord. He eats medusae for breakfast. Amidst a hearty chuckle of laughter at your feeble attempt at illusion, he throws a thirty die lightning bolt at you. What do you say to that?”
THE PIG-EYED GLUTTON – “Now how do we go about carting off this 800 copper pieces? We’re already loaded down with the four suits of leather armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..”
THE MASOCHIST – “I stop running, turn around, slap the minotaur, and tell him to stop breathing down my neck."
This is a little note I have kept with myself for about thirteen or so years. I don't know who composed it. I have been an avid role player and game master for quite some time, and I always found this list humorous. If you're a game master, or player even, you're bound to find memories in that head of yours tied to the types on this list.
The 35 Types Of Players
author unknown
THE REAL MAN – “Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o’clock!! CHARGE!”
THE REAL ROLE PLAYER – “Don’t start yet! I need my two minutes to get properly into character.”
THE LOONY – “I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips.”
THE MUNCHKIN – “Five arch devils and two demigods? That’s ALL? I guess I’ll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter.”
THE COWARD – “Yikes! Three kobolds! Retreat! RETREAT!”
THE TROUBLEMAKER – “Just before the mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast “command – vomit” on him.”
THE NOVICE – “I just rolled a 2 on my “to-hit” roll. Did I want high or low?”
THE TACTICIAN – “The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage shall remain behind the door in preparation of a “sleep” spell, which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I shall…”
THE QUIET TYPE – “I dunno.. I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess.”
THE PUNSTER – “You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One… to cast “cure light.””
THE PC INFIGHTER – “Sinth’s been such a twit. I hit her in the face with my flail while she’s casting her “find familiar” spell.”
JOE-I-GOT-THE-RULES-DOWN-PAT – “No, if you look in the DMG, page 81, paragraph 5, you’ll find this spell won’t affect griffons.”
THE WHINER – “Three points? I take three points of damage?!”
THE BULLY – “Are you sure I don’t make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure? Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?”
Mr. GREEDY – “So it’s not evil? And it’s not attacking? So what! I want that xp!”
THE CHEATER – “I roll an… 18! It hits!” (quickly grabs dice)
THE CHASTISER – “And you didn’t see that trap coming? HAHA! Just how long did you say you’ve been playing this game?”
THE KAMIKAZE – “I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol. Just before I hit the ground, I set off the ‘fire trap’ on all of my nine flasks of oil.”
THE GOOD ROLLER – “Oh looky here. An 03 percentile dice… If that door was trapped, I just found something.”
THE BAD ROLLER – “Oh, damn it all! Another critical fumble!”
THE BRAGGART – “The thought of you attacking me isn’t even interesting. I could get off a sleep spell and slit your unconscious throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath.”
THE REMINISCER – “Say, y’know, this is kind of like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lockpick an unlocked door.”
GOODY TWO SHOES – “Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can’t kill them when they’re asleep and can’t defend themselves.”
THE OVEROPTIMISTIC DAYDREAMER – “After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine or ten levels, I’m going to buy me the finest battle axe that money can buy.”
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN MAN – “Hmm? What? Oh, are we attacking now?”
THERMONUCLEAR MAN – “Alright, I swing at the orc with my bastard sword. (rolls) That’s a 2… +2 for strength… +3 for specialization, +2 for (and on and on). So that’s a 27. (sarcastic grin) Does it hit?”
THE GM HATER – the person who comes into the game and does his best to think of ways to react to a situation that the GM hasn’t. Having a pc who is slightly schizophrenic is a good excuse for this. NOTE: mixes really badly with the “storytelling” style of GM.
THE MINDLESS PLAYER – GM: “The gaping chasm stretches out before you. It is too far to jump across.” PLAYER: “I jump the chasm.”
THE CRYBABY – “you mean the big rock crushed me? My character’s dead? Really really dead? NOOOOOO!”
THE COWBOY – “II walk proudly up to the King and challenge him to a duel to the death. Oh yeah, I make sure to call him a wimp.”
THE WORRY WORT – “Okay, my mage is invisible, levitating thirty meters above the party, has a phantom armor and a stoneskin on him, a ring of fire resistance owrn, a minor globe of invulnerability up, (and on and on). Damn! I have a bad feeling about this!.” DM: Suddenly, a spellcaster appears in the hallway before you. Quickly gesturing in the direction of the invisible mage, he casts a spell…
THE PSYCHO KILLER – DM: “okay, you open the door and you see –“ PK: “KILL KILL KILL!! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD! RAAAAAAAGHHH!”
THE CAVERN SHYSTER – “Oh, so the illusionary medusa I cast at the Archdemon Orcus doesn’t turn him to stone, does it? Well if you look at the spell description, it says right here that he gets no save, has no chance to disbelieve, and I made my magic resistance roll! What do you say to that?” DM: “Orcus is a demon lord. He eats medusae for breakfast. Amidst a hearty chuckle of laughter at your feeble attempt at illusion, he throws a thirty die lightning bolt at you. What do you say to that?”
THE PIG-EYED GLUTTON – “Now how do we go about carting off this 800 copper pieces? We’re already loaded down with the four suits of leather armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..”
THE MASOCHIST – “I stop running, turn around, slap the minotaur, and tell him to stop breathing down my neck."
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
How To Call Tech Support (Version 1.01)
I don't know who wrote this, but I was given it back in 2001 when I worked for tier 1 and tier 2 tech support for internet cable. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and for all of you with similar jobs who know these questions and situations actually occur, I hope you don't burst your spleen laughing.
HOW TO CALL TECH SUPPORT (Version 1.01)
author unknown
0. LIST OF WHAT YOUR ISP (WE) SUPPORT:
0.0 We support all kinds of connections such as Dialup, Cable, DSL, Satellite, Wireless
0.0.1 Operating Systems: Windows 3.x/9x/2x/NT.x/XP/CE, Solaris, Red Hat Linux, OS/2, Unix, MacOs x.x, MSDOS, Novell DOS, Netware, Linux, SVR4, Bestix, Motorola, PalmOS 4x, Microwave 98, Microscope Windows 98.
0.0.1.1 Note that our software IS compatible with all systems mentioned above.
0.1 Latest games from Microsoft, Epic, Sierra, LucasArts, Captain Crunch serial software, Symantec, Electronic Arts, MTVMedia, Fox Interactive.
0.2 Programs depending on your Internet connection and programs requiring Internet, such as MS Office (versions 1.0 to
to 2000), MS Encyclopedia Offline edition, Star Office, Photo Express, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, MS Front Page (versions from 1.0 to 2000), Hotmail, Yahoo, and Beer.com
0.3 Programs that are essential for Internet such as: BONZI Buddy, WebCelerator, Sonic, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, BackOrifice, McAfee firewall (change settings to "disallow all"), Zone Labs Alarm (make sure that it is set to "Engage Internet Lock" by default).
**be aware that use of the programs listed above will never result in any of your Internet related problems, such as "Page Cannot Be Displayed", "Server Not Found", "TAPISERV Performed Illegal Function", "Reinstall Dialup Networking", or change of a home page to www.bonzi.com or http://ultraxxx.com.nl/over18, http://hotparty18.cz/billonline/ccvisa45135632133551", etc. But for some unexplained reason techs like to blame those programs.
0.4 For the full list of supported titles please go to http://www.download.com
0.5 We DO support NAPSTER and we will be pleased to help you burn an illegal CD from stolen songs.
0.5.1 Please note that to burn a CD you do not need a CD-RW drive; a normal CDROM drive will do, note also that NAPSTER has a built-in CD burning software.
0.6 We are here (at ISP technical support) not to troubleshoot and fix your problems, but we are here to help you learn that new program you just downloaded.
0.7 Support coverage is easy; ISP means Internet Service Provider, which means that we support everything that came through the Internet.
0.8 Hardware support offered on all models of printers, scanners, digital cameras, cat scanners, tape drives, external CD drives, CD-RW drives, wireless mice, touch pads, motherboards, fans, Palm Pilots, Pocket PCs, surge protectors, vacuum cleaners and calculators.
0.9 We can also help you read your spouse's email while they are away.
1.0 BEFORE CALLING TECH SUPPORT
1.1 Make sure that your computer is off, because you CANNOT have your computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. If you just received your computer please leave it in the original packaging, do NOT take it out of the box before calling tech support.
1.2 If computer is on, make sure that the monitor is disconnected from the tower or at least turned off.
1.3 Make sure that the computer is in a different room and your cord is not long enough to reach the keyboard. Don't even think to plug in your phone in the computer's phone jack because (once again) you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time.
1.4 If your computer is on, please launch as many applications as possible (preferred to do that until you get the message "out of memory. Please quit one of the running applications and try again."). You never know where a tech will take you, so to save time have all possible windows open (e.g. My Computer, Control Panel, Dial-Up Networking, Drive C, Windows, Temp). Best case scenario would be to call tech support during the lock-up.
1.5 Computer and monitor color coding are usually deceptive; it has nothing to do with system setup; do not attempt to
go through the setup by yourself; please call tech support and verify what should go where.
1.6 Never restart the computer before calling tech support.
1.7 Make sure that there are no pen and paper within your reach. You should never have to write something down, because you have a computer -- it will do it for you.
2. CONTACTING TECH SUPPORT
2.0 When we ask you what your phone number is we need the phone number that your compuuter is on right now, if it's a laptop and you are travelling now, just give tech support your motel number then.
2.1 If you have a serious problem like system crashes, out of memory, system freeze, illegal functions and lock-ups, please wait for about 2 to 3 weeks before calling; maybe the problem will go away by itself. Keep installing programs
mentioned above without any fear, install or uninstall will never cause any problems at all. If not, a tech will be able to fix it without the help of some fancy SCANREG DOS function.
2.2 Make sure that you contact the correct tech support center and get the proper department. Please not that our call
options are responding to your brain waves, not the keypad, so just press buttons randomly and you will get connected to the correct department right away. If however you were connected to an incorrect department, ignore the greeting and start on explaining what your problem is to the first live person who picks up the phone.
2.2.1 It is a good idea to ask for a senior tech right away; don't waste your time on those level 1 techs. They are there only to get your information and pass you to the higher level tech.
2.3 If you have a simple first and last name, please spell those out to the tech. If your name is not of English or American origin, do not spell it out. Our techs are able to spell last names like Sczherchijski and Khaschic by themselves.
2.4 If you are a resident alien and call the USA for tech support, after greeting us in English you can go ahead and speak Malay, Tagalong, Visayan, Ilocano, Cebuano, Mandarin, Bantu, Japanese, French, German, Klingon, etc. Every tech is trained in all fo these languages for your convenience!
2.5 Contact tech support from your office/your car/friends house/friend's car, you should remember that as described in 1.1 and 1.3 you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. Please note that all problems that you have we can fix without your assistance. We have remote access to your computer and will be glad to fix everything for you.
2.6 While on hold feel free to visit the bathroom, eat crunchy stuff, talk dirty to your boy/girlfriend or yell at your kids.
2.7 Do not give your contact information to any of the techs right away. First probe them with technical questions to determine if they are really who they claim they are.
3. PROBLEM DEFINITION AND TROUBLESHOOTING
3.1 Be advised that a tech can see the same picture on the computer screen that you do. Therefore there is no need to
elaborate on the problem. A short sentence like "I would like to put the Internet on my computer", "I cannot get to
the Internet" or better yet "It is not working" are more than enough for a tech to fix the problem.
3.2 Problems such as described in 2.0 could never be fixed with ScanDisk or Defrag, don't waste your time going through
those programs.
3.3 When going through the troubleshooting with a tech do NOT follow his directions blindly; he might be making fun of you going through all those steps. Make sure to click randomly without the tech's advice.
3.4 Remember that RIGHT click is a click perfomed by the RIGHT hand on the mouse button (it does not matter which button). Sometimes a tech will tell you to do a right click, but that he might mean left click, so do the one that you
feel is right.
3.5 Modem is a big gray box with a power button on it. Monitor is a fancy tech jargon word for TV-thingy.
3.6 If you have a child in the house who is helping you with the computer DO NOT bother letting the child talk to us. Instead do it yourself, we will be more than delighted to help you learn the secret of double LEFT clicking.
3.7 If you are getting missing .dll or .vxd file errors, please do not tell tech support what programs you installed or uninstalled recently. WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER IS YOUR OWN BUSINESS. A tech does not have to know anything. If asked directly deny any allegations of installing or uninstalling any programs.
3.8 When following tech's directions please do not tell a tech what you just did. The tech knows that you already clicked
OK, or typed what was needed. Just relax, keep silent and wait for further instruction.
3.9 If a tech asks you the question "What do you have on your screen now?" tell him what your wallpaer and icons look like. Please go through all the icons and spell out all the labels on them.
3.10 If you have a screen with the message "Click OK to Continue" or "Click Next" and those are the only available option ask your technician what you should do first.
3.11 Never write down error messages, a simple "does not work" statement is all the tech needs. Also remember that as in
3.1, a tech can see the same picture on your computer screen as you do.
3.12 If a tech asks you a question that can be answered by "yes" or "no," answer "OK" instead.
APPENDIX A
1. WHAT TECHS LIKE TO HEAR
1.1 A STATEMENT THAT "I'm not computer illiterate" is usually a very funny statement. Laugh every time you say it. A tech will have more compassion for you that way. Plus, that makes troubleshooting much easier.
1.2 For faster service please have a crying baby, yelling sister/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/cat/barking dog/bird or at least a TV with the volume all the way up in the background. We enjoy hearing those sounds.
1.3 If you cannot provide any of the following please use your cell by the radio or computer speakers so we can hear those nice feedback sounds.
1.4 Have no speakers or radio? That is not a problem! Drain your cell phone battery prior to the call and let us enjoy nice beeping sounds every three seconds.
1.5 Have no cell phone? Not a problem! Get a cordless phone from your neighbor across the street and turn the antenna to the opposite direction. No neighbor? Just yell at your kids randomly without covering the phone with your hand.
1.6 If you havve two phones at home call tech support with your spouse on the other phone so you can both get tech support at the same time. Plus, during the call you can discuss your own business if the tech is quiet enough. Talking at the same time is also useful; that gives the tech twice as much information in a shorter period of time.
1.7 To make sure that you are doing everything correctly ask tech support to repeat every sentence at least once. By doing that you will give him a chance to make sure that you are on the right track. Better yet, spell out everything that he asks you to type, no matter if it is your email address or your last name.
1.8 Ask "Are we there yet?" and "how much longer will this take?" every 20 to 30 seconds. A tech will be able to accelerate the troubleshooting process after hearing that.
1.9 During system reboot please ask the tech "Where are you guys located?", it is essential for further troubleshooting.
2.0 Life is short, don't waste it, you can eat dinner and talk to the tech at the same time.
2.1 If you are a lawyer, being "computer illiterate" doesn't matter. Reply to the tech with your professional jargon. It will be educational for the tech.
2.2 Our techs are all mature adults. Using profanity while on the phone is appreciated.
2.3 We are here not only to help you get connected but also to listen to your family problems, old jokes, personal preferences, your life and sex life.
2.4 Make sure that you hold the phone as close to your speakers as you can so the tech can hear the startup and shutdown sounds (please note that the volume should be all the way up).
2.5 Set up your sound scheme to Underwater so the tech can hear a toilet flush on every click.
APPENDIX B
1. BE AWARE
1.1 When you ask a tech for a good book on Windows98, the tech might reply "Windows98 for Dummies." Be aware! There are no such publications. The tech is simply insulting your intelligence.
1.2 If the tecch recommends "Learning Win98 Visually" hi implies you need a book with pictures because you are so stupid that you can't even read. Ask for a supervisor immediately!
1.3 Going through the Ctrl+Alt+Del and doing "End Task" will uninstall all those programs that you have there.
1.3.1 Ctrl+Alt+Del command will destroy your system. (FATBODY NOTE: no, with windows, your system was bought
already destroyed!)
1.4 Rebooting your computer means pressing the button on the TV-thingy and then turning it back on. Under no circumstances agree to turn off the big gray box, because hardbooting (cutting the power) will cause unrepairable damage to your hard drive.
1.5 Windows ME is the same as Windows 2000.
1.6 It is our duty as a tech support representative to listen to your complaints regarding billing and shipment issues.
1.7 It is our responsibility to reimburse you the $400 phone bill which is a result of browsing "pay by phone" porno sites.
1.8 Your desktop has a picture of hardcore porno close-up, your home page is set to http://www.humpmebaby.com, you have a comet cursor logo at the bottom of your screen and your mouse arrow looks like a penis with two eyes...This is the result of a Windows glitch, not your horny 13 year old son.
1.9 IF your system runs at 10% free resources one of the techs might suggest to take out any of the 31 icons from your
system tray and about 50 from the startup folder. Do not fall for this because you USE IT and your computer is top of the line and should be able to handle those fine.
2.0 Most of the times username/password problems are on our end. Leaving the CAPS LOCK on has nothing to do with it.
2.1 Your windows network username and password ARE THE SAME as your ISP username and password.
2.2 "@" is shorthand for typing in "at" in email addresses. Don't use @. Go ahead and type "at."
2.2.1 To send an email to the webmaster of the website put the full website address in the "TO" field (e.g. http://www.peoplepc.com).
2.2.1.1 When sending your family fresh scanned photos make sure that those have at least 600dpi resolution and the size is not below 640X480. To save yourself time send all 20 files together.
2.2.1.1.1 Your mail with attached pictures will go off your outbox in a couple of seconds. It should not take much time on your 28.8K dialup either.
2.2.2 Our incoming mail server is POP3 and outgoing is SMTP (as is clearly indicated in the Outlook Express Account
Creation Wizard).
2.3 Your computer has 2 phone outlets, you can use either one of them to connect to the internet.
2.4 All recent models of computers have wireless modems; there is no need to plug the telephone cord into them.
2.5 Modems will function normally even if the telephone line is down.
2.5.1 "No answer" error and random disconnections have nothing to do with the static on the phone line, even if you can barely hear the tech.
2.6 If you are getting "No Dialtone" errors while trying to connect to the Internet and you are speaking with tech support at the same time on the same line please let them troubleshoot this as a separate connectivity issue.
2.7 After deleting essential parts of the netstac or registry tell the tech "My 4 year old son did it." This will make a tech have more compassion for you.
2.8 We got a lot of questions where some keys are located on the keyboard. To make it easier to use we printed a scheme of the keyboard. On the reverse side of this manual you will find a chart with locations of some of the most popular buttons such as: close, next, back, return, space, maximize, minimize, Start, Cancel, OK, Yes, No, and the all-time favorite "any" key.
2.9 New generation printers are all "plug-n-play". There is no need to use a CD which came in the package labelled:
"Printer Setup Disk."
3.0 "Non-system Disk" or "Boot Disk Error" is a server problem. Do not attempt to fix this by yourself. The floppy inside does not have anything to do with it. DENY that you have a floppy in the drive for as long as possible.
3.1 DVD disk is a new version of CD disk and therefore will work in a regular CD-ROM.
3.2 There is a built in radio in your CPU (CPU is a fancy tech jargon word for big gray box modem thingy).
3.3 CD-ROM Drive is not a cup holder. It is too small for mugs and will only fit paper cups. This is actually an ashtray.
3.4 Your computer comes with built in voice recognition software and hardware, refer to it as if you are talking to your friend.
3.5 The correct position for your task bar is on the right side, vertical.
3.5.1 The task bar changes its location and size randomly by itself.
APPENDIX D
WARRANTY UPDATES
1.1 Based on the increasing demand of replacement parts the following is now covered by the warranty:
-- Spilled water/coffee/tea/vine/urine on the keyboard, as a replacement you will get a new waterproof keyboard.
-- Acts of God or other supreme power such as: your urge for distruction, your kids, pets, and co-workers.
-- Mouse cleaning: including ball exchange, dust-cleaning, hair removal, and vinegar dips.
HOW TO CALL TECH SUPPORT (Version 1.01)
author unknown
0. LIST OF WHAT YOUR ISP (WE) SUPPORT:
0.0 We support all kinds of connections such as Dialup, Cable, DSL, Satellite, Wireless
0.0.1 Operating Systems: Windows 3.x/9x/2x/NT.x/XP/CE, Solaris, Red Hat Linux, OS/2, Unix, MacOs x.x, MSDOS, Novell DOS, Netware, Linux, SVR4, Bestix, Motorola, PalmOS 4x, Microwave 98, Microscope Windows 98.
0.0.1.1 Note that our software IS compatible with all systems mentioned above.
0.1 Latest games from Microsoft, Epic, Sierra, LucasArts, Captain Crunch serial software, Symantec, Electronic Arts, MTVMedia, Fox Interactive.
0.2 Programs depending on your Internet connection and programs requiring Internet, such as MS Office (versions 1.0 to
to 2000), MS Encyclopedia Offline edition, Star Office, Photo Express, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, MS Front Page (versions from 1.0 to 2000), Hotmail, Yahoo, and Beer.com
0.3 Programs that are essential for Internet such as: BONZI Buddy, WebCelerator, Sonic, Hot Party 18, IAMOVER18, sexydial, hottichat, Pornosearcher 1.0, BackOrifice, McAfee firewall (change settings to "disallow all"), Zone Labs Alarm (make sure that it is set to "Engage Internet Lock" by default).
**be aware that use of the programs listed above will never result in any of your Internet related problems, such as "Page Cannot Be Displayed", "Server Not Found", "TAPISERV Performed Illegal Function", "Reinstall Dialup Networking", or change of a home page to www.bonzi.com or http://ultraxxx.com.nl/over18, http://hotparty18.cz/billonline/ccvisa45135632133551", etc. But for some unexplained reason techs like to blame those programs.
0.4 For the full list of supported titles please go to http://www.download.com
0.5 We DO support NAPSTER and we will be pleased to help you burn an illegal CD from stolen songs.
0.5.1 Please note that to burn a CD you do not need a CD-RW drive; a normal CDROM drive will do, note also that NAPSTER has a built-in CD burning software.
0.6 We are here (at ISP technical support) not to troubleshoot and fix your problems, but we are here to help you learn that new program you just downloaded.
0.7 Support coverage is easy; ISP means Internet Service Provider, which means that we support everything that came through the Internet.
0.8 Hardware support offered on all models of printers, scanners, digital cameras, cat scanners, tape drives, external CD drives, CD-RW drives, wireless mice, touch pads, motherboards, fans, Palm Pilots, Pocket PCs, surge protectors, vacuum cleaners and calculators.
0.9 We can also help you read your spouse's email while they are away.
1.0 BEFORE CALLING TECH SUPPORT
1.1 Make sure that your computer is off, because you CANNOT have your computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. If you just received your computer please leave it in the original packaging, do NOT take it out of the box before calling tech support.
1.2 If computer is on, make sure that the monitor is disconnected from the tower or at least turned off.
1.3 Make sure that the computer is in a different room and your cord is not long enough to reach the keyboard. Don't even think to plug in your phone in the computer's phone jack because (once again) you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time.
1.4 If your computer is on, please launch as many applications as possible (preferred to do that until you get the message "out of memory. Please quit one of the running applications and try again."). You never know where a tech will take you, so to save time have all possible windows open (e.g. My Computer, Control Panel, Dial-Up Networking, Drive C, Windows, Temp). Best case scenario would be to call tech support during the lock-up.
1.5 Computer and monitor color coding are usually deceptive; it has nothing to do with system setup; do not attempt to
go through the setup by yourself; please call tech support and verify what should go where.
1.6 Never restart the computer before calling tech support.
1.7 Make sure that there are no pen and paper within your reach. You should never have to write something down, because you have a computer -- it will do it for you.
2. CONTACTING TECH SUPPORT
2.0 When we ask you what your phone number is we need the phone number that your compuuter is on right now, if it's a laptop and you are travelling now, just give tech support your motel number then.
2.1 If you have a serious problem like system crashes, out of memory, system freeze, illegal functions and lock-ups, please wait for about 2 to 3 weeks before calling; maybe the problem will go away by itself. Keep installing programs
mentioned above without any fear, install or uninstall will never cause any problems at all. If not, a tech will be able to fix it without the help of some fancy SCANREG DOS function.
2.2 Make sure that you contact the correct tech support center and get the proper department. Please not that our call
options are responding to your brain waves, not the keypad, so just press buttons randomly and you will get connected to the correct department right away. If however you were connected to an incorrect department, ignore the greeting and start on explaining what your problem is to the first live person who picks up the phone.
2.2.1 It is a good idea to ask for a senior tech right away; don't waste your time on those level 1 techs. They are there only to get your information and pass you to the higher level tech.
2.3 If you have a simple first and last name, please spell those out to the tech. If your name is not of English or American origin, do not spell it out. Our techs are able to spell last names like Sczherchijski and Khaschic by themselves.
2.4 If you are a resident alien and call the USA for tech support, after greeting us in English you can go ahead and speak Malay, Tagalong, Visayan, Ilocano, Cebuano, Mandarin, Bantu, Japanese, French, German, Klingon, etc. Every tech is trained in all fo these languages for your convenience!
2.5 Contact tech support from your office/your car/friends house/friend's car, you should remember that as described in 1.1 and 1.3 you cannot have the computer turned on and talk to tech support at the same time. Please note that all problems that you have we can fix without your assistance. We have remote access to your computer and will be glad to fix everything for you.
2.6 While on hold feel free to visit the bathroom, eat crunchy stuff, talk dirty to your boy/girlfriend or yell at your kids.
2.7 Do not give your contact information to any of the techs right away. First probe them with technical questions to determine if they are really who they claim they are.
3. PROBLEM DEFINITION AND TROUBLESHOOTING
3.1 Be advised that a tech can see the same picture on the computer screen that you do. Therefore there is no need to
elaborate on the problem. A short sentence like "I would like to put the Internet on my computer", "I cannot get to
the Internet" or better yet "It is not working" are more than enough for a tech to fix the problem.
3.2 Problems such as described in 2.0 could never be fixed with ScanDisk or Defrag, don't waste your time going through
those programs.
3.3 When going through the troubleshooting with a tech do NOT follow his directions blindly; he might be making fun of you going through all those steps. Make sure to click randomly without the tech's advice.
3.4 Remember that RIGHT click is a click perfomed by the RIGHT hand on the mouse button (it does not matter which button). Sometimes a tech will tell you to do a right click, but that he might mean left click, so do the one that you
feel is right.
3.5 Modem is a big gray box with a power button on it. Monitor is a fancy tech jargon word for TV-thingy.
3.6 If you have a child in the house who is helping you with the computer DO NOT bother letting the child talk to us. Instead do it yourself, we will be more than delighted to help you learn the secret of double LEFT clicking.
3.7 If you are getting missing .dll or .vxd file errors, please do not tell tech support what programs you installed or uninstalled recently. WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER IS YOUR OWN BUSINESS. A tech does not have to know anything. If asked directly deny any allegations of installing or uninstalling any programs.
3.8 When following tech's directions please do not tell a tech what you just did. The tech knows that you already clicked
OK, or typed what was needed. Just relax, keep silent and wait for further instruction.
3.9 If a tech asks you the question "What do you have on your screen now?" tell him what your wallpaer and icons look like. Please go through all the icons and spell out all the labels on them.
3.10 If you have a screen with the message "Click OK to Continue" or "Click Next" and those are the only available option ask your technician what you should do first.
3.11 Never write down error messages, a simple "does not work" statement is all the tech needs. Also remember that as in
3.1, a tech can see the same picture on your computer screen as you do.
3.12 If a tech asks you a question that can be answered by "yes" or "no," answer "OK" instead.
APPENDIX A
1. WHAT TECHS LIKE TO HEAR
1.1 A STATEMENT THAT "I'm not computer illiterate" is usually a very funny statement. Laugh every time you say it. A tech will have more compassion for you that way. Plus, that makes troubleshooting much easier.
1.2 For faster service please have a crying baby, yelling sister/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/cat/barking dog/bird or at least a TV with the volume all the way up in the background. We enjoy hearing those sounds.
1.3 If you cannot provide any of the following please use your cell by the radio or computer speakers so we can hear those nice feedback sounds.
1.4 Have no speakers or radio? That is not a problem! Drain your cell phone battery prior to the call and let us enjoy nice beeping sounds every three seconds.
1.5 Have no cell phone? Not a problem! Get a cordless phone from your neighbor across the street and turn the antenna to the opposite direction. No neighbor? Just yell at your kids randomly without covering the phone with your hand.
1.6 If you havve two phones at home call tech support with your spouse on the other phone so you can both get tech support at the same time. Plus, during the call you can discuss your own business if the tech is quiet enough. Talking at the same time is also useful; that gives the tech twice as much information in a shorter period of time.
1.7 To make sure that you are doing everything correctly ask tech support to repeat every sentence at least once. By doing that you will give him a chance to make sure that you are on the right track. Better yet, spell out everything that he asks you to type, no matter if it is your email address or your last name.
1.8 Ask "Are we there yet?" and "how much longer will this take?" every 20 to 30 seconds. A tech will be able to accelerate the troubleshooting process after hearing that.
1.9 During system reboot please ask the tech "Where are you guys located?", it is essential for further troubleshooting.
2.0 Life is short, don't waste it, you can eat dinner and talk to the tech at the same time.
2.1 If you are a lawyer, being "computer illiterate" doesn't matter. Reply to the tech with your professional jargon. It will be educational for the tech.
2.2 Our techs are all mature adults. Using profanity while on the phone is appreciated.
2.3 We are here not only to help you get connected but also to listen to your family problems, old jokes, personal preferences, your life and sex life.
2.4 Make sure that you hold the phone as close to your speakers as you can so the tech can hear the startup and shutdown sounds (please note that the volume should be all the way up).
2.5 Set up your sound scheme to Underwater so the tech can hear a toilet flush on every click.
APPENDIX B
1. BE AWARE
1.1 When you ask a tech for a good book on Windows98, the tech might reply "Windows98 for Dummies." Be aware! There are no such publications. The tech is simply insulting your intelligence.
1.2 If the tecch recommends "Learning Win98 Visually" hi implies you need a book with pictures because you are so stupid that you can't even read. Ask for a supervisor immediately!
1.3 Going through the Ctrl+Alt+Del and doing "End Task" will uninstall all those programs that you have there.
1.3.1 Ctrl+Alt+Del command will destroy your system. (FATBODY NOTE: no, with windows, your system was bought
already destroyed!)
1.4 Rebooting your computer means pressing the button on the TV-thingy and then turning it back on. Under no circumstances agree to turn off the big gray box, because hardbooting (cutting the power) will cause unrepairable damage to your hard drive.
1.5 Windows ME is the same as Windows 2000.
1.6 It is our duty as a tech support representative to listen to your complaints regarding billing and shipment issues.
1.7 It is our responsibility to reimburse you the $400 phone bill which is a result of browsing "pay by phone" porno sites.
1.8 Your desktop has a picture of hardcore porno close-up, your home page is set to http://www.humpmebaby.com, you have a comet cursor logo at the bottom of your screen and your mouse arrow looks like a penis with two eyes...This is the result of a Windows glitch, not your horny 13 year old son.
1.9 IF your system runs at 10% free resources one of the techs might suggest to take out any of the 31 icons from your
system tray and about 50 from the startup folder. Do not fall for this because you USE IT and your computer is top of the line and should be able to handle those fine.
2.0 Most of the times username/password problems are on our end. Leaving the CAPS LOCK on has nothing to do with it.
2.1 Your windows network username and password ARE THE SAME as your ISP username and password.
2.2 "@" is shorthand for typing in "at" in email addresses. Don't use @. Go ahead and type "at."
2.2.1 To send an email to the webmaster of the website put the full website address in the "TO" field (e.g. http://www.peoplepc.com).
2.2.1.1 When sending your family fresh scanned photos make sure that those have at least 600dpi resolution and the size is not below 640X480. To save yourself time send all 20 files together.
2.2.1.1.1 Your mail with attached pictures will go off your outbox in a couple of seconds. It should not take much time on your 28.8K dialup either.
2.2.2 Our incoming mail server is POP3 and outgoing is SMTP (as is clearly indicated in the Outlook Express Account
Creation Wizard).
2.3 Your computer has 2 phone outlets, you can use either one of them to connect to the internet.
2.4 All recent models of computers have wireless modems; there is no need to plug the telephone cord into them.
2.5 Modems will function normally even if the telephone line is down.
2.5.1 "No answer" error and random disconnections have nothing to do with the static on the phone line, even if you can barely hear the tech.
2.6 If you are getting "No Dialtone" errors while trying to connect to the Internet and you are speaking with tech support at the same time on the same line please let them troubleshoot this as a separate connectivity issue.
2.7 After deleting essential parts of the netstac or registry tell the tech "My 4 year old son did it." This will make a tech have more compassion for you.
2.8 We got a lot of questions where some keys are located on the keyboard. To make it easier to use we printed a scheme of the keyboard. On the reverse side of this manual you will find a chart with locations of some of the most popular buttons such as: close, next, back, return, space, maximize, minimize, Start, Cancel, OK, Yes, No, and the all-time favorite "any" key.
2.9 New generation printers are all "plug-n-play". There is no need to use a CD which came in the package labelled:
"Printer Setup Disk."
3.0 "Non-system Disk" or "Boot Disk Error" is a server problem. Do not attempt to fix this by yourself. The floppy inside does not have anything to do with it. DENY that you have a floppy in the drive for as long as possible.
3.1 DVD disk is a new version of CD disk and therefore will work in a regular CD-ROM.
3.2 There is a built in radio in your CPU (CPU is a fancy tech jargon word for big gray box modem thingy).
3.3 CD-ROM Drive is not a cup holder. It is too small for mugs and will only fit paper cups. This is actually an ashtray.
3.4 Your computer comes with built in voice recognition software and hardware, refer to it as if you are talking to your friend.
3.5 The correct position for your task bar is on the right side, vertical.
3.5.1 The task bar changes its location and size randomly by itself.
APPENDIX D
WARRANTY UPDATES
1.1 Based on the increasing demand of replacement parts the following is now covered by the warranty:
-- Spilled water/coffee/tea/vine/urine on the keyboard, as a replacement you will get a new waterproof keyboard.
-- Acts of God or other supreme power such as: your urge for distruction, your kids, pets, and co-workers.
-- Mouse cleaning: including ball exchange, dust-cleaning, hair removal, and vinegar dips.
Good Times
For a few posts i'm going to reprint some things that i have carried with me for years. Please note that I personally composed none of these works; when I know the name of the author, I will include it. If YOU know the name of the author and I don't, comment the name so the author gets her proper notariety.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
