Monday, December 26, 2005

The Lie That Is Iraq

My brother has a good friend, an expatriot from Iraq, who has since gone back to his home country to help rebuild it after the toppling of Saddam. He has written back a lot, and what he says is quite different than what you see on TV. Don't die of a heart attack when you realize that what you see on TV isn't real. Didn't your momma teach you don't believe everything you see?

He's getting his US citizenship. He loves this country; all he has to do now is take the oath. Here is what he says about Iraq.

The people there love what we did for them. They do not protest. They do not complain. They are at peace. Sure there are hot spots where soldiers die. But they are only hot spots. The comparison was made that it closely resembles Los Angeles. White people don't go into Compton at night. They just don't. It's the same way in places in Iraq. But for the most part, the people are at peace.

Also when they say on the news "Yes, we want the U.S. to get out of our country" it isn't because they think they've been victimized or invaded. It's because they are ready to govern themselves again, or at least try to, and they're expressing their belief that the work of the U.S. is done.

After two successful elections, their government is quickly on the way to recovery. And hopefully this Iraqi friend can take both my brother and me to see the ruins of Babylon. We would like that. But for now, he says, white people don't walk the streets of Compton at night.

So Babylon is going to have to wait, for now.

And to Saddam's complaints that he doesn't have a park to walk in and exercise while he's in jail, tell that to the families of the people he gassed and threw into mass graves. He should be glad he's still alive.

Miranda On A Milkbox

Ok i don't even know if that's how you properly spell miranda, but i don't really care. What I do care about is this government of mine continually eroding away my civil liberties because of a fart and a whim.

What is up with this new "law" by our wonderful president saying that wiretaps can be used without a warrant? Oh rest assured they'll only be used if there's reason to do so. HEY WAKE UP AMERICA! THATS THE WAY THE LAW ALREADY WAS! Ever hear of probable cause? Proving to a judge that you know someone might be up to something so you get a warrant to investigate further?

They claim that they don't have time to get a warrant. BULLSHIT. What they are saying is their intelligence sucks so bad they want to be able to stop a guy when they pick up an errant signal on a cell phone that says "OH MY GOD I"M READY, PUSH THE BUTTON!" People don't plan to bomb things then go and do it before the end of the commercial break. COME ON, GEORGE! GET YOUR CRONIES TO TELL BETTER LIES!

And scan this email. I dare you. Come give me problems. Give me MORE reasons to run my mouth. That diarrhea isn't stopping, and you ain't got enough immodium to shut me up. Try me.

Conspiracy Theory #245, Version 2.1

Ok. Everybody gather 'round, cause i got something to say. We live in a world where corporate entities rule. They make their own laws, and do what they can to subjugate the populace into a state of mindless slavery, walking from point to point as sheep being led to shearing. Or cows to slaughter. Whatever is easier for you to imagine.

No, I'm not talking about enron, george bush, or drilling in alaska. I'm talking about comcast cable.

They, like every other internet, tv, phone, or similar service, are all in on this.

This is what they do. The first thing you get when you call in is "press 1 if you are an existing customer, press 2 if you are seeking to add services". This is where they get you. If you press 2, you go straight to a current queue where a csr will answer your call as soon as possible. Why? cause they want to look good enough for you to sign a contract, give them money, and get pushed into the limbo of being a subscriber.

Because what happens is simple. Once they have you hooked, and say you have a problem with your service, the minute you press 1 on that menu, you get thrown into the bottomless pit of calls on hold.

And you're on hold, for hours and hours.

And you can't cancel your service, because you have to press 1 to get that far, and then you're on hold. Because if you're on hold, you can't cancel, and you still have to pay.

That's the corporate service limbo trap.

I've seen it everywhere. Comcast does it. Bellsouth did it. Insight cable, who I used to work for, did it.

And then if you go to the only local paycenter (cause you don't want to call michigan) they tell you they only accept payments and can't add or delete service.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Snake Blisken were around to send us all into a technological dark age. POWER TO THE PEOPLE! Don't worry comcast, I got my two cups and string. It is more reliable than your service. Trust me.

Carpenters' 759 Performs Brain Surgery

Ok. What is it with company outsourcing? I think that's what they call it. You know it looks like a good idea on paper, but in reality, THIS IDEA IS SHIT!

I am, to use a cliché, sick and tired of having to talk to some handjob in alabama or michigan to get something done in my own hometown. HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON 3000 MILES AWAY?


We had fast access dsl by bellsouth installed when we first moved in. I think yes, we talked to some drooling retard (no offense to real retards) in alabama. A yes woman.

Sure... they can install it. Sure.. there's no problem. Sure, I can't find east tennessee on a map, but sure, we'll get it done.

They install it. We had the service for one week and the damn thing never worked. Now i like to consider myself somewhat technologically savvy in the internet category (seeing as it was my job) and i was taking it personally that i couldn't get the damn thing to work. So i called bellsouth, finally got through and someone did a netsniff and found the signal dying very badly in my neighborhood. So she scheduled a technician, from michigan. or alabama? Who knows.

So the technician came out, came right to my door, knocked, and said "i'm sorry sir but this service just isn't going to work here." He told me the way the infrastructure is lain, the main trunk is less than 100 yards from my house, but the branch goes 3000 out of the way before it comes back to me. So I guess drunk one eyed morons with no depth perception and sense of direction lay lines for bellsouth. I mean what kind of moron designs like that. And we say we are superior beings. Let me tell you, walking upright doesn't go very far when paired against designs like this.

Well i called bellsouth to cancel the service. The lady asks me, why sir, if i may ask, are you cancelling it? I said "cause the damn thing doesn't work." She asked how I knew that, and i told her the bellsouth technician told me so. She was surprised he had said that, and was feeling really guilty because she had no idea they had that problem in my area. I told her not to worry about it, because how could she know we had that line problem? SHE'S 2000 MILES AWAY!

I think they do this on purpose, that way they can give you shoddy workmanship, string you on for a few months payment, then not get you to disconnect because you can't even get through. More on this theory in the next post.

But anyways, I just wonder when my surgery is going to be subcontracted. I think it would be great to be spackled up by a carpenter instead of stitched up by a surgeon. Maybe I can get a catalytic converter installed instead of lungs. Who knows.

Things like this make me want to read old mary worth comics.

United Van Lines Sucks!

Ok. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever use United Van Lines to move your stuff. That is if you want to keep it. Let me elaborate.

First the packers come. They are supposed to arrive at 8 am. They arrive at 10. They pack up every thing in your house, including dirt you have not swept up and any dead bugs that might be in your garage or god forbid your cabinet. They don't know how to read. I had signs up that read "do not remove what is in this cabinet", and the packer would point to the sign and say... "stuff in here go?"

They take smoking breaks every ten minutes, turning a four hour packing job into 16. They take things they aren't supposed to take. I pointed to my circular saw, said clearly DO NOT TAKE THIS, and they packed it and put it on the truck. I told them, DO NOT PACK THE LAWNMOWER. We have an electric lawnmower. They left it, sure enough, but took the damn key out of it and packed and sent it, leaving me with an unuseable lawnmower. IDIOTS!

They took our futon. This is not a walmart special futon; this futon came from a furniture store, is made of solid oak, and cost upwards of 700 bucks. Well after they got away with it they decided to try to take it apart. The idiots didn't know what they were doing, and tore the wooden supports apart, breaking bolts in the wood, cracking the wood. It's like instead of doing a simple screw technique, they got some bodybuilder to rip the boards apart.

And get this. Because they FORCED ME to sign away that they would only pay 60 cents per pound for lost or damaged articles, and my homeowners SHOULD pay the rest, and my homeowners deductible is greater than 700 dollars, NO ONE WILL REPLACE THE FUTON. So they basically broke the shit out of my stuff, and I HAVE TO PAY to fix it.

And now so I will get this blog to come up when someone googles for united van lines, I will now type united van lines one hundred times! DONT USE UNITED VAN LINES!

united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines united van lines

ok not 100 times. Maybe that's enough.


Been Gone

Sorry about not posting lately, but I've been really busy. Now that I'm moved, I have lots of things to rant about. I'll put them in separate posts. Enjoy the venom.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Sacred Unity

Lately, because my wife and I are unfortunately separated while I fix our old house up for sale, people have been asking me, "so, do you miss her?"

What kind of idiotic self deserving redneck foolish dumbass question is that?

I guess people today live in such a world of dishonor and infidelity that they've forgotten that people still do marry because they actually like each other.

That's one reason why I'm for gay marriage. If we let gays marry, maybe then we can restore some sacred honor to the union.

Yeah. Choke on the irony.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Misplaced Agression

Something has been bothering me lately.

See, recently i know of some peeps that got a divorce. These peeps were very close to me. Seems person A in the divorce was unhappy with person B, and said that after all their years of marriage person A never was happy, hated person B, told everyone about how bad person B was, destroyed person B's reputation with many of person B's friends in town irrevocably, and continues to complain about person B's role in person A's marital disatisfaction and blames person B for the disunion.

Now here's the kicker. Person A and B also have a child, who I will name Clara. Clara is a very dear friend of mine, and Clara tried her best to help person A and person B work out their differences (yeah that was wrong but Clara thought it was her duty at the time). Now listen to this: Person A gets all wigged out over Clara's need to talk about the pain and try to work things out, so person A and Clara have a big emotional fight and sever their communications.

Time passes. Person A and Clara tried once to work things out, but it failed. After that, there was no communication. NOTHING. NADA. NO WORDS. NO ACTS.

Now here's what I just don't get. After a couple years, person A has many times trespassed on person B's property (person A has given up all rights and privileges to the property in the settlement) and person B clearly does NOT want person A there. Yet person A continues to try to make amends: person A leaves gifts for person B, person A calls person B on the telephone. Person B has since remarried and has a new family.


Wouldn't you think that after several decades of an unhappy marriage where you just totally hated your spouse, never was happy, had NO GOOD MEMORIES (direct from the horse's mouth), and totally demonized and destroyed someone's reputation... wouldn't you think this person (person A) would just leave person B THE HELL ALONE?

And further, why would person A continue to bait and taunt Clara by telling her person A can only allot 30 minutes on a freaking phone call to try to make amends because person A has been HURT too much by CLARA? And even then, to tell Clara that person A has spent 2,000 dollars on therapy "just cause person A loves Clara?"

GIVE ME A #*%KING break!


and lets not forget the close to 10k CLARA and CLARA's spouse spent on therapy to get through her parent's problems, not counting the missed paychecks from work leave because of the emotional turmoil this crap caused.

in this day and age 2,000 dollars, in the world of therapy, is NOTHING. that's like a month of sessions. That is, unless you're paying 10 bucks a session to some half-wit half-rate "empath" who gives you a license to do whatever the hell you want just to keep you coming in and giving money. Is there a formal degree on that counselor's wall? I doubt it.

And why even be so hesitant to make amends with your own child, when AFTER YOUR LIFE WAS DESTROYED by your spouse you're so hot and bothered to set things right with him/her?


Why isn't person A trespassing on Clara's property to make amends? Where's the phone calls? Are two conversations where you tried to make amends more hurtful and destructive than ~four freaking decades of marriage with a "MONSTER"?

Can anyone explain this to me?

Monday, September 12, 2005

The God That Failed

Seems that old bonehead Abu Musab al-Zarqawi posted an audio message on an Islamic (terrorist) website stating that the hurricane Katrina disaster on the gulf coast was an answer to the prayers of Iraqis and Afghans who have suffered under U.S. occupation...

all I've got to say is...

Is that the best your god can do? I mean come on! No fireballs from heaven? No earthquakes? No plagues? No visions of avatars striking our citizens blind?

I guess when their way of life is destroyed, their god only cares enough to push around a few poor people on the coast and wipe out the Big Easy? Wouldn't you think their fanatical crazy half wit "bring death to all infidels" dashboard Allah would rain holy fire down upon all of us?

Don't get me wrong here. There are good muslims everywhere. I'm only pointing booger-coated fingers at the crazy nutjobs. And yes, before anybody wastes their breath and spit flaming I know there are nutjobs in every religion. But this is one of the nasty-muslim posts. Nasty-christian, nasty-buddhist, nasty-hindu, nasty-druid, and nasty-whatever posts will come later. But with all decent Allah fearing muslims aside, seems if that's all that Zarqawi's god can do then I want a refund. I was looking forward to my 70 virgins in the afterlife. But if he can't pay for a good miracle, how can he pay for 70 clean virgins?

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Rosemary Is For Rememberance

Well we all know what day this is. We all know we have to remember it. We all know why. Maybe starting a blog for myself on this day might help me cope. What? I still need to cope? Four years and I still need to cope? Of course I do. How can I go on when my gov't keeps telling me to be afraid. Yeah go out and have fun, just duck when you see the flash or hear the siren. Give me a break.

Lots of people dead, and what have we got to show for it? A bunch of dented armor and beat-up humvees, and blackhawk helicopters that you couldn't get half price for at a farm auction. The bodies might not be piling up as quickly, but really, how do we know? We only know what they tell us. But for those of us with a brain, this war looks all too familiar. Too damn familiar.

That's what happens when you throw your food off the high chair just cause you're mad. It hits the floor, and you can't eat it. So what do you do? You scream. You scream and hope mommy or daddy will give you new food. But there's no mommy or daddy here, and our food is attracting flies.

And all this for those brave souls who died at the WTC. I don't know about you, but after I'm dead, I hope my president doesn't destroy a country because of it. Well he wouldn't anyway since I don't own an oil field, but I'm just saying, even though it sounds cool and all, 1,000 people to my one death just ain't worth it. I don't care if they DID crap all over me and set me on fire.

Well, how many people died on 9/11/01? I'm not trivializing it: it was a tragedy. But what about the next tragedy? 1,500 plus american troops dead? Isn't that a tragedy? OH NO, people say. THAT'S THEIR JOB. Actually, no it isn't. Last time I checked, they were not defending the borders of their respective states. The unfortunate thing is half of them are so afraid to stand up and say anything about it, or are too brainwashed to do anything about it. Just like the rest of the corn-fed populace in the stable.

What about these poor folks on the Gulf Coast? Isn't that a tragedy? Probably not, since they were non-whites (yes, I agree with the New Orleans mayor). President Bush in his operation do-over tried to make it look like he cared, but what could he do? Well what would you expect? Twin towers got attacked and he sat and read a book about a goat, upside down I might add, to kids. What more can we expect?

At least Al Gore paid out of his own pocket to fly peeps out of there. Good for him. I guess Bush couldn't do that though, cause after running three or more companies into bankruptcy your credit just ain't that good. Well, what credit the man has. I mean, I'd trust him to ruin something, or tear down something, but to be creative? Not unless it's finding new creative ways to fail.

I was expecting Pat Robertson to get on his high horse and say that New Orleans asked for what it got because of the sins of Mardi Gras. I guess he knew better, after he got in trouble for asking people to pray that our liberal judges on the Supreme Court died. Yeah yeah he said later that he didn't mean that, but give me a break. How else can you replace judges? Sure they can retire, but do they? Historically? Come on pat, just own up to the responsibility. Get some balls and support your argument. Be like your other buddy, the other Pat. Pat Buchanan. At least he's got the nerve to make a stand.

I was glad to see the Onion report that the Louisiana National Guard was helping in the rescue of people by calling in 911 from Iraq. When Bush said he was sending in "regulars" to help in disaster relief, I thought, REGULARS? Shouldn't they be the ones dodging bullets and disarming mines in the fertile crescent? Well what more can I expect? I'm not trying to insult the National Guard, but when it comes to conquering a country, wouldn't you send your regular army, and not the people who just do it 2 weeks out of the year so they can get a good college fund and benefits? Hmmm... maybe that's why we've taken so many losses in that war. But then I don't really know. Are we losing that war, you think? What is the price for an election going to be?

Freedom Of Ranting and Raving

Some people call it Freedom of Speech, but it seems in today's society the freedom doesn't really exist. Well, here it does. This is my blog so I can say whatever the hell I want, and if nobody likes the diatribes of Captain Fatbody, then they can simply click away, or as I like to say, CLICK OFF. Anyone can reply or comment on posts, but if you flame, just know that I'll simply flame you back, and probably make you cry. Please direct all verbal assaults toward me, not to other people simply commenting on posts.

Again, if you don't like this, just leave. Chances are I wouldn't have liked you anyway.